first quarter obligatory report

       Isn't it funny that for the entirety of my first quarter of college I haven't made a single post, yet the moment I come home I commence ranting about my parents again? I think it's because I don't really know what to write about when I'm at school. Everything is so new that it's not noteworthy that any of it is new. My roommate is really really messy and has a few disorders that I found out partially by snooping and partially by accident. I've tried to initiate conversation with her about it, mostly by opening up a little about my own problems, but all I got her to admit was that she had a therapist back home and is seeing one in Hyde Park. She doesn't seem to have that many people close to her at school, and I hate to think that maybe she feels isolated. I think I've made it clear to her that I'm very open to talk about anything she need to though. Any more would be suspicious.

        During O-Week I partied every night for a week. It was fun. I felt really outcasted from my dorm, since I live in the weird quirky  nerd dorm. One day I met a girl, and upon giving her my name, she told me that I had a reputation for making out with all the girls. I went out with people from this one dorm every night, and I thought that these people might be my friends, but in the back of my head I knew that I would be too lazy and too much of a sociopath to make any effort to keep in touch with them, even though they lived only a block away. The night before the first day of classes was the first time the single glow-in-the-dark star on my ceiling wasn't shifting and swirling. I ended up making a few close friends in my dorm. Like, 3 or 4. I don't really talk to most of the people who live in my building. I'm that pansexual girl who drinks a lot and got voted to be in charge of the communal condoms. 

        My classes were hard, but I don't know, I always think that. I don't know what it is compared to other people's. I probably could have worked harder. I could always have worked harder. It was harder than high school, but there was also more distraction. When grades come out I expect to have two A's and two B's. I learned that I absolutely suck at math. I don't know if I can continue being a math major. I should give back my math scholarship. But I have too much pride so I'll keep being a math major. The thing about honors classes in college is that they are hard as all hell but they will not give you bad grades if you put forth any sort of effort. My social sciences class has been my favorite. We learned to analyze social science studies, talked about the heuristics and shortcuts in thinking that people use, and we're going to learn basic statistics next quarter. I'm a better essay writer. 

        I planned on joining all these clubs and volunteering so much, but I found it hard to will myself to go to the single volunteer tutoring position I had. I feel as if all my extracurriculars need to be relevant to my future career now. Employers are not going to care about my art or teaching or singing or any of that, so it would be a waste of time to do. I spent way more money than I thought I would. I applied to a lot of jobs and research positions. I got one for next quarter, and it's a stupid one consisting of caring for transgenic zebra fish in a lab, but it'll be money. I hope I get an internship this summer. I don't even really know how to find one. I'm sure I won't get anything. 

        I barely talk to my family. I never spoke to my mom on the phone and that was very okay with me. I was supposed to call my uncle and grandma once in a while but I didn't. Sometimes I was "too busy" to answer their calls. I wrote them Christmas cards though so hopefully that'll suffice.

        I've been disillusioned. Almost everyone who is close to me is secretly depressed. But maybe that's just because I'm me and everyone I am friends with ever is depressed, but it makes me suspect that it is more prevalent than what I know about. College is just school. I wish I went into the city more often. I love the CTA though. I love it so much. I'm still adjusting. No one understand who I really am yet. I'm slowly starting to "come out" to people about cutting, about my parents, about being generally fucked up and stupid. People at school don't understand that when I don't proactively make that coffee date with them, it doesn't mean I dislike them. That's part of why it's been hard to make friends I don't live around. I don't mind it much, except that  I feel like I might be missing out on people that are just within reach and could be awesome to be friends with. But I know that new friendships where we have to proactively contact each other are just not sustainable for me, so it's not worth it to try really. I always need to go study instead anyway. The only person who I don't live by and who talks to me a lot is this girl who thought she was straight and then secretly had a crush on me. 

        My campus is beautiful and conveniently located for travel between the city and my permanent address. When I'm there, I have more responsibilities and more independence, which I love. I can pretend my family doesn't exist. At the same time, I can no longer blame them for my problems. Any shit I feel is of my own creation. No one is dictating my life any longer. When I can't control my emotions and have no blame for them, that worries me. There were nights when I couldn't stop crying for no reason and I needed to call LE in order to calm me down. I am so lucky to have him. He visited me a lot and spent all of my campus food dollars. He's the best. RS also visited me twice. That was fun. Fun, but I always had things hanging over me that I needed to do. I have to accept that college will be chunks of 10 continuous weeks of stress and work forever never being caught up on. 

        I feel like people are defined by their major. I don't know if I feel so in touch with what is supposed to be my major, Math with specialization in Econ. If I could do Math and Sociology, I would feel good about that, but my parents say I need to do Econ and then I can't fit in Sociology. So I'll do a Gender and Sexuality Studies minor I think. But do I want to do be defined by that? I want to major in everything, so effectively nothing. Why is college so much, but still not enough? 

-T.

snarky email followup

My mom's reply was a rant about how it still was a lot of money that they were paying, (which I did not and will never disagree with,) in addition to the oft-spouted stories of how she worked so hard through college to pay for her own tuition  of $40,000 and how she is so thrifty. $40,000??????? I asked my dad about this and he said her tuition was $11,000 and he paid for it one year.
Just a bit ago she told me that I need to learn more about "accounting things" because I just don't understand interest and something about retirement benefits and so her initial figures about tuition were correct. Maybe she is right and I have a gross misperception of the world and finances!!!! When UChicago tells me $30,000 it is all really a trick and it is actually $70,000 somehow and I am just too stupid and uneducated to understand!!!!
I don't even know why I continue trying to be sassy to her. She thinks she has proven herself to be in the right because I literally said "okay bye" and walked away from her. Every time I try to make her see the light, it only becomes more justification for her to be "disappointed" in me and think of me as a disobedient, disrespectful monster.Why am I so hung up on this? She is obviously an idiot, either that or I'm the biggest ignorant buttwipe who knows nothing about money and either way no amount of me sassing her is going to change that. Everyone who knows her can see that she's beyond hope. My sister is learning to never give any merit to what she says, and her own parents know that she's an idiot. So much of what she so sickening that it's almost comical.

At least I get to go to college though. At least I get to move out and be away from her and never speak to her again if I choose to do so. My dad, on the other hand, has to live with her presumably until one of them dies. He's given up. I told him about the incident and he told me to stop correcting her, and that when it comes to numbers, she is always wrong, and always exaggerating. He'll never be rid of her because it would hurt his pride too much to divorce her. My mom has yelled threats of divorce so many times, but she's never serious. He is such a logical person whose only sensitivities involve classical music. I don't know how he sleeps in the same bed as she does. My dad has told me that love and companionship are not real. Status and money are concrete and they are what will make a marriage last. I hope he honestly believes this, even though most people would say the exact opposite. I wonder when he started thinking this way. It's sad, but I hope it helps him cope with his life. I just wish he would stop making it apply to mine.

I think I've found good companionship and maybe even "love," whatever that is. I hope it lasts. My worst fear in the world would be to end up like my parents. Psychology says I will. I'm scared. I'm too passive to break the cycle.

What a stupid and unorganized post.

-T.

an email to mommy dearest

Hi 

I don't mind it if you are misinformed about the tuition situation, because I understand that you are blind to facts, but please stop spreading false information to others, especially very gullible people with no access to reliable information. 

For this school year, my financial aid package and national merit scholarship make my tuition, including housing, as $9,525 per quarter. This does NOT include my $3000 math scholarship that was factored into the Autumn Quarter bill.

The tuition, housing, and other official expense are, by quarter:
Autumn - $7,061
Winter - $9,575
Spring - $9,575
TOTAL: $26,211 

Please notice that this is nowhere near the $20,000+ per quarter that you have been saying, and especially not the $70,000 annual cost. In fact, your numbers are completely made up and more than double what the actual costs are. The actual tuition and fees WITHOUT any financial aid is $62,425, direct from the UChicago website. This is still well under your purported $70,000.  

Even if our financial aid quotes change for the next academic years, this does not make the facts weaker, nor does it make your fallacious arguments stronger, so please do not bring this up. 

If you are trying to make me feel guilty about my life, at least use accurate information. If you are not sure about something, do not stand so firm on it if you are challenged. These are numbers with records; there is no way that I am making this up. In any case, it is very hard to take you seriously when you insult me and belittle me using outlandish statements and falsified numbers. 

Enjoy your humble pie, even though you will barely taste it and you will certainly not digest it.

Your dearest daughter, 

T 

P.S. This message will have upset you and completely humiliated you, but it was necessary because eventually you need to be confronted with the facts rather than being treated like the three-year old you act like. I tell you all of this out of an attempt to respect you. Thank you.

It sure is a good thing she will probably have trouble understanding a lot of the subtle (or not-so-subtle) insults.  In any case, I'm gonna get it tomorrow.

23

I am so not a numerologist but the number 23 is consuming me this year. It's very weird and inexplicable but everything important is 23. 23 is bouncing in my cranium and etching the insides of my eyes. 23 is UChicago x 2, so does that make UChicago 11 and a half? 23 is BHS ending and beginning. 23 started in March, maybe earlier. Every 23 is a sentiment and intimation of the future. 23 is all my doubts and expectations and the demarcations of my life. There should be more 23 but there is already too much. I think it will end this month.

life is like the stock market.

        Some days I just want to die. Not because I hate life, not because it's even particularly bland. I'm in a weird limbo phase between high school and college, and all of my friends have already left except for LE and a few in high school. I should really be living semi-independently now, studying and meeting new people, but I'm at home trying to avoid my family and then getting guilt-tripped for not talking to my grandma more. (She's okay but I just really don't have anything to say to her??)
        I don't know what two weeks from now is going to be like, and for some reason I have this stupid perception that college is going to determine a lot and be a huge new chapter in my life. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm scared that I made all the wrong decisions and I'm going to hate college like some of my friends already do. What if I can't manage my money, or find a job, or keep up with the school work? What if I can't control myself at parties? Moving out is going to take a toll on my relationship with LE. There are so many things that could go wrong.
        Dying would just make everything secure. I would never know what college was like, but I would never let it ruin itself. My love for LE would never falter. I would never come to the realization that I need to depend on others to live.
        At the same time, life is like the stock market. I don't really want it to end because despite all my worries, there is the small possibility that things are going to get even better. Not just as good as I think they will get, but astronomically better. There are a lot of possible risks of venturing into the future, but the possible rewards taunt me into staying. The future could be like nothing I've ever thought, and I'm curious.
-T.

"omg boys only want to get in yur pants, they see even simple kissing as a path to sex!!!!!!!"

but w8 so do i

From Play-Doh to Plato

Here is the main essay that I wrote for my UChicago application. It is very cheesy and uses too many rhetorical questions, but I think it somewhat describes my outlook on life. It was very inspiring to write at the time, and I've stolen ideas and sections from a prior personal writing.

Prompt:"What does Play-Doh™ have to do with Plato?" - The 2011 University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt ListEvery May, the University of Chicago hosts the world's largest scavenger hunt. As part of this year's hunt, students raced to find the shortest path between two seemingly unrelated things by traveling through Wikipedia articles.
Wikipedia is so passé. Without the help of everyone's favorite collaborative internet encyclopedia, show us your own unique path from Play-Doh™ to Plato.
---------------

            Play-doh. Playdo. Playto. Plato! Only a few letter tweaks stand between Play-doh and Plato. The clearest link between the two words must be their spoken sounds. Nearly homophonic, Play-doh and Plato could each be easily mistaken for the other in conversation. The minute change of a consonant can completely transform the meaning of a word.

            Such is the peculiarity of language. Language is grammar, syntax, diction. Language is the stringing together of words to convey an idea. Words are arbitrarily designated sets of lines on a page. Words are simple vibrations from a human larynx.

            Why then, do we ascribe so much importance to the words that we use, and the words that others use towards us? The answer seems to be of course, that they are our only manner of communicating abstractions and complexities to our fellow human beings. But do they really communicate the things we wish to communicate? Words hold no innate meaning. When we choose a word, we do not choose what it means to ourselves, but rather what it has meant to the reader or the listener as well as anyone else who has ever used that word.

  Consider the color red for instance; when I use that word I know what I am describing. Surely though, I cannot be the only one who has wondered whether everyone sees the same colors that I do. We may call them the same names and associate them with the same things, but how can we know when someone else sees red, whether they view the same color? We can define red as light wave of about 650 nanometers, or the color of the blood in our vessels, but what do we actually see? Furthermore, what we see is not only constructed of what is in front of us, but how our brains decide to muddle it with the rest of the information that is already filed.

These contemplations demonstrate the subjectivity of the world. When we take this into consideration, the facts that we take for granted begin to falter in their conviction. Reality is something that wavers, if it exists at all, and I am sure that Plato would concur. Of course, I cannot mention Plato without referencing his allegory of the cave. We know not what truth is. After all, there is no way of knowing whether we see reality, or its mere shadows. One who believes himself to know truth must be mistaken and, on the contrary, knows very little. For all we know, we could be merely brains responding to chance stimuli in glass jars.

With this insight, there are some questions raised. There are always questions raised. If nearly everything conceivable in this world is potentially false, then what is there that we can believe in? What is even the point of believing? As with most things, we have a few options here. We may: 1) ignore this revelation; 2) decide that there is nothing real in life worth living for; or 3) take it in stride and attempt to find something that is real. Plato philosophized comprehensively on the topic of the apparent nature of our reality.  

In Plato’s Book X of The Republic, he gives the example of “bedhood,” the essence of the ideal bed. Once that bed is actually created, it is impossible for it to be a true bed because of the limitations of the physical world. A painting of that bed would unavoidably be filled with an artist’s preconceptions and interpretations. A child who attempts to mold Play-doh into a bed fumbles in futility. Let the child dream of his perfect bed, let him decide what it means for himself, but the physical world would never let him shape it. The only truth can be found in the child’s own idea of the bed, the intangible “bedhood.” Truth is found in the intangible. It appears to me that there is indeed something that remains when material and outside input are stripped away. The human experience is filled with emotions and sensations. These are the truest and most essential components of being alive.

I have dabbled in many different activities, arts, and classes during high school. When I play badminton, I feel the rush of endorphins and the closeness of my team around me. When I paint, I feel an overwhelming flow of energy depositing onto the canvas from the brush from my fingers. When a student I’m tutoring has an epiphany about combining like terms, I feel a surge of pride and contentment. I’m finding that the more I experience, the more I want to experience. We only live once, and I want to use my life to learn everything I can. Each time I am enlightened with something new, I feel something new.

The change to jump from Plato and Play-doh is small and insignificant. The world is so much more. What is true are our sensations and feelings. I expose myself to more and I feel more. I want to think more, to see things beyond face value. I want to see from all perspectives and delve deeper. I want to let go of the words, I want to let go of my preconceptions. The truest parts of life are found in those fleeting time-stopping moments. It is the rush of endorphins and the stillness of breath and the tingle of fingertips. It is what Play-doh or any other medium will never pin down. It is what I felt when visiting the University of Chicago, and what I could feel over and over again if I might be lucky enough to attend. Plato might say that a true college cannot exist in the material world, but I beg to differ. I have found little pieces of truth in so many places, and I cannot wait to find even more. 

sasha grey on the tyra show

The annotations on these are horrible and ridiculously annoying, but if you want to get the full experience and hate life to the extreme you should leave them on. 

I'm very much personally offended by a lot of what they say here partially because of my own sexuality. I knew I would hate this but I had to watch it because I need to break out of the bubble that I sometimes am in that most people are truly open-minded and reasonable. I just can't live under that illusion when shit like this is on mainstream television. I almost can't quite believe that this is real and have to laugh through the episode to keep myself sane.

This show is disguised as progressive and open-minded and Tyra is definitely marketed as a role-model figure for girls, and I think it's worse than blatant anti-feminist stuff. At least the latter is easily identifiable and obviously destructive, while this show is marketed as helpful and woman-empowering. I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to look up to Tyra too, and would watch her show every day when I came home from middle school. I'd hate for anyone, especially a young girl who already has so much subliminal oppression in her life, to feel like certain sexual desires she has are wrong. The annotations proclaim that Sasha's videos promote pedophilia, which is ridiculous. If she and her fans are into group sex and age play that's great for them as long as no one is getting hurt when they don't want to be. Consensual sex experimentation truly is empowering, and I find it horrendous that people who don't understand it cast such judgment on it and condemn it. No one seems to acknowledge that these fetishes actually exist and can be acted upon in safe and fulfilling manners.

I really respect Sasha for her courage and her intelligence and ownership of her career choices. The prostitute on the show did not enjoy her time in the sex industry, and that's fine, but she shouldn't assume that everyone else's journey is the same. If you want to truly try to eradicate misogyny and garner respect for women, you should do it by respecting people's choices as long as they don't hurt anyone, and acknowledging that porn is not realistic.

Notice also that the assumption is that porn viewers are perverse dirty men who like to watch women being disrespected. It says nothing of men in the porn industry, or even women who watch porn. God forbid we allow for the possibility that women have sexual desires! Categorize me as a humorless self-victimizing femi-Nazi, but as long as people whose thoughts are consistent with this show exist, I can't not be one.

-T.

I was going to work out a lot today but I masturbated instead.

money money money

       This summer I actually have a social life. It's weird and somewhat exhausting. Last summer I remember going to RS's house in early August, and having that be my first "hangout" instance of that summer. Granted, I was in Canada for two weeks and then in China for a month, but it's still quite different from this year. I might have dinner at home once or twice a week now. I don't dislike it but I'm just not very used to it.
        The main issue with it is that it drains so much money. I made a little bit of money SAT tutoring and got my own checking account, but then my dad was like noep you can't touch your own money!! It's so irritating to me because my parents don't let me drive, they don't give me money, give me the shittiest phone plan, yell at me if I'm awake at 1AM, are pissed when I sleep on the couch, hate it when I take naps ever, and don't let me hang out with LE for long periods of time. I am forced to lie to them about where I am and what I'm doing and I don't even really care but it just goes to show that their parenting is so ineffective. It also make LE's mom so uncomfortable when I lie on the phone to my parents, and I love her she does so much for me and I hate to do anything that makes her feel weird, but I just have to do it. I can't even get a real job and make my own money because of lack of transportation. They throw the biggest fits and give me multiple hour-long lectures about how wasteful I am when I ask for even $5, and so I just usually don't ask them. Instead I just flake out on plans because I don't have any money. It's hard to tell people the real reason why I flake because then they might feel obligated to pay for me. I can't even count the number of people I could have hung out with but just didn't and acted really stupid and evasively with when they tried to plan something, all because of money. They are probably left feeling like I don't really want to spend time with them but most of the time that isn't even true. A lot of the time my close friends will just cover me and I hate it. Not only do they have to pay for my shit sometimes they almost always need to drive me everywhere. It is like everyone that I am close with has to be penalized for the idiocy of my parents. 
        But maybe their parenting does work. Look how they've got me trained; I'd rather stay home and do nothing than do something fun that spends money. And if I ever actually need anything important, they'll pay for it in the blink of an eye. Most of my college applications cost like $80, more than a prom ticket, but they didn't want to pay for prom. I guess I have my priorities straight, but that's because I have to convince myself that I don't care about the things that I'm sacrificing, or else I'd probably go crazy. Sometimes I steal money from my parents' wallets. It is horrible and there's no getting around that, but I almost feel entitled to at least a little of their money. They don't give me anything, I'm forced to live under their authority, and I don't even enjoy their company. I'm an awful person; entitlement is I think the number one worst trait a person can have. I'm such a hypocrite, but what can I do when money seems to limit the very little joy and freedom that I get out of life?
Kill me.


-T.

i wrote this at 4am and it's not worth reading

sometimes i am the clingiest idiot i don't know i just feel so removed from everyone and everything in the world right now and i feel as if LE is made up in my head or as if he's left me even though he hasn't oh god he's going to realize what a dunce i am how he has so much more in common with his ex that's fine that's fine he has always been too good for me why is he still with me i give him nothing i am a receptacle for his talking that's all i am i contribute nothing i am brainless everyone on the planet is sleeping i feel 

why can't i stop my thoughts i want to stop breathing i can't breathe i need i need i don't need anything i'll be okay whatever happens he's going to be fine without me and i will be too maybe i'm not allowed to be this happy for this long this is not allowed does he even exist but if i doubt him then he really won't exist god fucking solipsist me 

why am i writing this i'm not upset everything is fine nothing's happening sometimes i am just so self-absorbed this doesn't make any sense at all nothing has happened

what am i doing i need to stop i'm only perpetuating something that never existed in the first place what am i perpetuating exactly 

what

our relationship is perfect too perfect here is exactly what i feel: i feel as if i am a stranger looking in on my life and our life our happy laughing kissing sleeping fucking life as if it is the past even though it is the present 

oh god even the feeling of it being the past is unbearable i need to be pulled back in time to right now

yes the possibility of this being the future and the present being the past is what has brought this about but how why

i am insane is what

I am stupid.

        I am not eloquent and I don't think critically. If a decent thought does ever cross my mind, self-doubt and despair won't ever let me act on it. I'll never be an entrepreneur or make break-through discoveries. All I know how to do is prepare myself for tests on a path that others have set. I won't know how to take risks and set up my own tests. I am curious person, but I don't have the drive to do anything of significance. Maybe I have the ability to do things, in fact I probably do, but I'll always give up if the task appears daunting.
         I've been called "naturally smart," a "genius," etc. I am none of these. Maybe there is potential in me somewhere but I won't let myself ever actually be successful. I can't help but to see all the places something could go wrong. My current internship is marketing-based, and the tasks are simple enough but sometimes involve interacting with people. I can type up emails and letters and send them out but I can't stand the thought of actually meeting with people and pitching the company. I am culturally and socially inept. If I ever come up with a great idea, I'll freeze up when it comes time to present it to others and convince them of my merit. I am the worst at persuasion and small talk.
         I like LE. He lets me just sit there stupidly in silence while he talks for hours on end. I just like sitting in his presence, but I fear that he is going to tire of me if he hasn't already. I never have anything insightful or interesting to share. All I do is say stupid awkward stuff that amuses him, but never anything of substance. He'll tell me about history and ethics and involved strategies and music while I just nod and stare. It's not that I wish he would talk less. I appreciate that he talks so much, because if he didn't our hang-out times would be silent and boring. I just wish that I had the ability to share half as much novel and interesting information as he does.
        Sometimes I watch him talk to other people, DC in particular, and I just sit there dumbfounded. Maybe I am feeling left out, but I just want to be DC in that regard. She knows all the things ever and can talk about anything. She can actually uphold her end of a conversation with LE. He needs someone like her. I wish so much that I could measure up to LE and all his smarts. It is atrocious that people walk around thinking that I'm smart when really I'm just so stupid, especially compared to people like LE who will rarely be recognized for who they are. I'm so not good enough for him. I want more than anything to be as perfect for him as he is for me. I want to not want to smoke weed because LE doesn't like that. I want to not kiss other people. I want to be smarter and skinnier and funnier and nicer and also less pessimistic about myself.
-T.

BDSM I guess

        Sweet, vanilla love-making can be fun, but it gets old. Why would you want to restrict yourself to that, or to any particular way of having sex? People are too ready to demonize the idea of BDSM, or worse yet, some others are ashamed of themselves. It is too sad to me when people feel the need to shroud away their sexuality. By its very nature BDSM is thrilling and dehumanizing, but in a good way. Our sexuality is possibly the most deeply rooted component in our evolutionary history. Sex is carnal and pure and cathartic and one of the most animalistic things we do, so what is so wrong about bringing out those characteristics? By establishing and adhering to hard boundaries and safe-words, a sub still has control of the situation, so long as the top is trustworthy. If these boundaries are violated, then trust is destroyed. Partners who choose to dabble in BDSM normally have a great degree of trust in each other, and I think that being able to express the most taboo desires is a great measure of a strong relationship. BDSM tendencies don't have to stem from a history of abuse or mental issues, but even if they then engaging in BDSM activities can be seen as a way of gaining some good from a terrible thing. If a little pain or role-playing is consensual and not life-threatening and even pleasurable, then I really can't see much wrong with that. BDSM should be something that people are open to, and if it is really not personally interesting, then that's fine, but it is not something worth being ashamed of or hated on either.

-T.

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

        I think I cheated on LE. I hooked up with CM. I can't say that it was an accident at all, even though I was tipsy. Maybe I needed to experiment a little, but the fact of the matter was that for a few moments my thoughts were focused on another person and wanting her sexually. I hate myself a little, but it needed to happen and I don't regret it. It won't happen again and if for some reason it does then I'll probably just kill myself. LE just said that I shouldn't do it again, but I'm not sure whether or not it actually hurt him or upset him and he wouldn't tell me.
         I almost a little bit wish that I had had a little time to experiment and hook up with randos, especially girls, just for the experience before starting another rather serious relationship. But now I'm with LE and that's going to be the case I hope for a very very long time and I wouldn't do anything to change that. Except I wonder if this is another manifestation of me trying to ruin a good thing for myself. Sometimes I can feel myself being really irritating and doing stupid things just to try to get a rise out of him. I don't think I've ever seen him genuinely angry and that's so weird. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do just to make things chaotic just because chaos is normal and comforting to me. He really should be with someone who isn't actively trying to mess up his life.
         If I think really hard I know that he's not actually angry with me but I'm just going to pretend like he is and feel like it because I like the torture I guess.
rnt i dumm
-T.

I'm so nervous nervous nervous nervous. The things I have to do are so simple I know I can do them. But my heart is racing and my head is pounding. I don't even know what I'm really nervous for. I'm afraid to fail afraid to make a fool of myself. I know I'll be fine but these palpitations perpetuate my anxiety. LE LE LE he always makes me feel better but he is in Minnesota and all I have is weed it will do it always helps even just the act of doing it helps.

funny parents

        I guess it recently occurred to my parents that I might want to have sex. I just got an extended anti-sex talk from them. It started with, "you're still a virgin, right?" and me laughing while nodding. Apart from demonizing sex, they also marginalized my relationship with LE, and assumed my rashness and immaturity. My mom made it seem like having sex with one person means you plan on basically marrying them and are going to be committed in some way to that person for life. She also assumed that I wasn't the type of girl who would just go around and have casual hookups. In all honesty, if LE weren't in the picture, I would plan on having a lot of random sex just because. He is perfect for me and I don't want sex from anyone else, and it's more convenient to just fuck him whenever I want anyway. Alas, we are young and so obviously we are not in love with each other so of course I wouldn't fuck him. So many things wrong with the previous sentence. They also think that I'd regret whatever sexual decisions I make. If I've learned anything from just residing in this body, it's that in the long run I don't regret anything I do. Of course, I am not sure how much of my views stem from resolving cognitive dissonance from doing immoral things, but nonetheless any actions I take have been thought about and are unregrettable simply by the fact of me doing them.
        Once again it is appalling and whimsical how little my parents know about me. My dad knows that LE's birthday is coming up and he is REALLY WORRIED about it and is on the verge of making my sister stay home from school that day. As if we hadn't already had sex in this house. As if they can keep me from doing whatever I want. Actually I think they know that they have little to no control over me when I am not in their direct presence. It frightens them, especially my dad, but if that's the case then wouldn't it make more sense for them to at least pretend to trust me so that I feel some moral obligations to them? That won't make sense probably, but it doesn't matter because I'm having sex whenever and however and with whomever I want. This summer is going to be awesome. They are just so unbelievably laughably ignorant of me and all that I stand for.
-T.

Also I ate so fucking much yesterday. I shouldn't even blame it on the munchies I wasn't even that high because my resistance went back up. YI is so great. She's like a better version of me. What is the point of this post.

camping

        LE is out in Minnesota with his cute family camping and doing whatever. They are just so cute I can't believe they all exist. Non-poisonous family structures perplex me, even if it's just his Dad's side of the family. Above all, I miss him a lot. I made him take my iPod with him because he'll be driving seven hours alone both ways and I don't want him to be so bored, and also because I don't want to enjoy myself when he's gone. I am not allowed to feel happiness without him because I feel it so much when I'm with him.
        I don't know what I ever did that warrants life giving him to me. One day I am certain that he'll realize what a nut I am and see how much better he can do. He is the kindest, smartest, most understanding, overall greatest person ever and I honestly don't understand why he chose me. He could be in a great relationship with a lot of people. Anyone would be lucky to have him. So many people don't find this sort of a match for decades, if ever. I'm so young and I already know that if I only stay with him then I can be happy. I feel like I call or text him constantly, and I don't like it. But I almost need to because otherwise I am paralyzed by the terrible thought that he's just a figment of my imagination. It's highly likely, because something so perfect is simply not supposed happen in this ridiculous world.
        I was never supposed to be successful when it comes to dating. Look at my family. Psychology says that I'm going to end up with a spiteful controlling person and I'm going to hate my life forever. I'm going to hate myself later for saying this, but I've found success beyond my wildest dreams and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep it this way. He's physically far away from me now, but the thought of him existing and thinking of me gives me so much energy and will to live. When the world is crazy and entropic his simple presence anywhere at all makes everything okay. He's the Howard Roark to me if I'm Dominique Francon. (Haha, me as Dominique... wishful thinking much?) We complete each other in every way. Even sexually we're just so incredibly compatible and sex is only going to get better and better as we get more comfortable pushing boundaries together.
        I'm just so worried that life won't allow me to have such prolonged happiness. The more resolute I become that I won't let myself ruin things, the more I'm sure that he's going to be taken away in a freak accident. I'm a literal nut.
-T.

I told DC what happened at U of I with BD. After hearing of BD's recent dire condition, she told me, "I didn't know that people could win at breakups, but you just did."
I laughed forever because she described it so perfectly and she's so right. I have a new perfect boyfriend and he is moping around getting fat and not making any friends and playing WoW. I win.
Aren't I insensitive :P
-T.

the last math team meet.

        Math team state was yesterday. Nine of us went down to U of I. I called up SJ, AJ, and BD, hoping to get to see them. SJ and AJ came out to meet me, while BD is still ignoring me. SJ had tried to convince him to come hang out with us for half an hour, to no avail. I made SJ take us to his dorm anyway, which was a devastatingly hot 20 minute walk from the quad. SJ and AJ went into his room first. A few seconds later I walked in and BD made almost a squealing noise, and hid under the covers. We futilely poked and prodded at him for about fifteen minutes before giving up and leaving.
        I feel awful. It was so bad of me to start seeing someone else within two weeks of breaking up with him. He hasn't been doing well at all. He got even fatter, and is now back into World of Warcraft so basically his life is being sucked away. He has made no new friends. SJ tells me that he doesn't even know his dorm neighbors. I am assuming he hasn't been talking to any girls, except to ask random ones if they want to hookup (I still have his Facebook password oops.) He is still tweeting about me and making Facebook statuses about me, even though he has removed me on both social networking sites. I sent him a Facebook message, to which I know he won't respond.
        Does he not remember when ZJ shut him out of his life? How could he do this to me now? He was the one who always said that exes should still be at least civil to each other. Actually I'm such an insensitive person. I can't blame him. Strong emotions lead to such irrationality and that's why I hate them and that's also why I love them. I've hurt him so much and he doesn't mean that much to me anymore. Except that I will always still care about him and want him to do well in life. It kills me to see him lazing away and wallowing in self-pity. Nothing I'm typing makes sense because emotions don't make sense. Everything changed at the drop of a hat. How much of our efforts in these matters actually count? I couldn't keep BD and I together no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't keep me and LE from happening no matter how in denial I was. My life and where its headed is so promising right now. I don't want any of it to change, except I want BD to talk to me again. I want to help him. I could get all of what I want, or all of what I don't want.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just so inarticulate so I'm just going to stop.
-T.

sexual orientation

        I'm not heterosexual. I don't know what that word means because to be honest it doesn't make any sense. People are generally defined as being gay or bi or straight or whatever, but I don't think that any  of those is an accurate description of what you want in a partner at all. For example, heterosexual person is interested in people of the opposite gender, but not all people of the opposite gender. We all have a list of characteristics that attract us to certain people, and gender might just be one trait on that list. It might be true that someone is exclusively attracted to people of one gender, but that is far from the whole story.
         I guess I could be described as pan-sexual, but that word doesn't exactly cover it either. I don't lust for absolutely everything. I feel as if sexual orientation is an important part of one's identity, but I wish it weren't. I'm a little confused about who I am and this is a silly thing to create that confusion. I know exactly what I want and what I'm attracted to. Why do I need a word to categorize that? For simplicity's sake I'll assert that I'm pan, but its implications are not as I want them. I am attracted to intelligence, humor, sass, empathy, and a hint of something edgy. I might have a preference for men, or perhaps am just accustomed to them, but if something else piques my interest then that's perfectly fine too.
        When my friends want me to make out with them, they are perplexed by my lack of interest and general apathy. They are curious about girl-kisses, but I'm not. I don't see how it could be any different from any other kiss. They say it's strangely platonic, but then what's the point? You could kiss anyone that you are not attracted to and have it be platonic, I've done that before and it shouldn't depend on gender. I'm not curious. Anyway, I don't like for my kisses to be meaningless and that's just my preference.
        I suppose for now I just have to be okay with the label of pan, simply because I am expected to have some sort of label and I'll need to know how to answer that defining question of sexual orientation. Maybe later I'll decide to obliterate that label entirely.
-T.

irrational

I can't stand living here it's like poison. But I'm so scared that I'm wrong about everything and they're right. I wish so much that I were emotionally unaffectable. I wish that I were like NS, who never questions authority and follows the rules. I want societal constructs to comprise my moral compass. I would give up so much to have a simple happy life.

Lately so much bad stuff has been happening at home and it's so blurry and stupid that I don't even want to talk about exactly what has been transpiring. I've been happy for too long. I should have known I would find a way to ruin everything again. All I know is that I want to be out of here and literally the only person who can calm me down even when I am being evasive and awful is LE. Literally why does he put up with me.

Oops so many emotions right now. I'm such a stupid irrational female no matter how intellectual I think I am I will always be held back by the irrationality attached to my second X-chromosome. I'm just a stereotype of everything I hate and I hate myself.

-T.

i hate drama

I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to think and I don't want to believe certain things and I don't know motivations or rationale behind one of my friends. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I need to speak to her directly. EE's going to talk incessantly about it and be really extreme and alarmist and think the worst of it because that's just her, but it really makes me uncomfortable when she does that. I want to form my own opinions and I don't exactly trust hers, especially with her analysis of me. I don't think SM and EE are a good pair. They support each other and are good friends but they exacerbate each other's notions, even if their initial notions are correct and sound and then everything just blows up out of proportion. But it's likely that I'm just wrong about everything because that's who I am. I don't want to be in the middle of everything I just want to shut everything out but I still want to know. I want everything to be right in the world I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK.

I'm thinking about what would happen if someone random at my school got a hold of my blog and honestly I don't even think I'd care but that's just me. I have some secrets but those I will never ever talk or post or write about anywhere, if only because it makes them concrete and real. I have successful avoided all friend drama basically since freshman year. Now that I have close-ish friends I get entangled in all their drama and it makes me anxious.

I hope VK comes to school tomorrow I want to talk to her in person I want to hear everything she has to say texting and chats are stupid.
-T.

I have not been posting much at all lately because I have been so busy but I just had to stop in and post that I got accepted to UChicago!
I learned of this after a splendid day in the city and at the Art Institute with LE. My life is so wonderful and filled with great people. I feel so validated and complete.
-T.

INFJ

I've been thinking about my Myers-Briggs type a lot lately, especially since I found that two of the people that I love the most and have the best conversations with are INFJ as well. I think that's remarkable, considering it is the most rare type and consists of about 1-3% of the population. YI and VK are so cool and funny and intellectual and great and I'm really glad to be categorized with them. I have to ask SC what her type is, because I have a suspicion that she could be as well. She's someone who I can not talk to for months or probably even years, and still get along with and feel close to.

Read all about me here.

I don't think that I have an especially strong intuition the point of being psychic, but here are some things that really stand out to me:

• "INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life."
• "Growing out of their distrust of first-blush appearances, INFJs are reluctant to trust majority opinion. They are often the last to read a bestseller, feeling that if everyone else (i.e., the majority of whom are prone to being fooled by appearances) thinks it is good, it probably is not worth their time. Like INTs, however, INFJs can be suckers for a good conspiracy theory, appealing to their sense that “most things are not what they seem.”"
• "They rival and resemble INTs in their level of openness and hunger for new ideas and perspectives. In some regards, they may actually eclipse INTs with regard to intellectual openness, readily appreciating both science and literature, fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose."
• "The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring." --LE is ENFP and this is so true. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this is exactly what makes us so compatible. He brings out a lot of the things that I am inclined keep in my head.
• There is also a reference to INFJs loving shoes. This is so strange and perfect.
• "Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. They may, for instance, get depressed when they feel their creative inspiration has left them. Or, because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood. Depression may also stem from feeling dissatisfied in their careers or relationships. They may dream of having a beautiful home adorned with beautiful things, but feel stuck in a low-paying job that they are reluctant to quit because of a poor economy."
• "Perhaps more than anything, INFJs love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation. Because of their verbosity and enjoyment of others’ company, they can easily be mistaken for Extraverts."
• "They often feel more like recipients than they do creators of their ingenious ideas"
• "Fe plays a role in perceiving and empathizing with others’ emotions. It helps INFJs intuitively recreate another’s emotion state within themselves. This allows them to know from within what another person is experiencing. This ability to profoundly empathize with others allows INFJs to understand and counsel people more effectively than any other type."
• "In many cases, INFJs do not know fully understand what their Ni is telling them until they are given the opportunity to verbalize it. They may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition remains somewhat nebulous until it is expressed via their Fe."
• "They can also seem quite intense in their communication since their words are infused with the emotion of their Fe. Consequently, their expressions may seem exaggerated, dramatic, or irrational, especially to Thinking types. INFJs can also be susceptible to self-pity and self-loathing, seeing themselves as victims. They may curse the fact that life isn’t fair, feeling that they always end up with the short end of the stick."
• "INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJs can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life."
• "Those who are especially precocious may be disposed to questioning the veracity of what the teacher or other students are saying. They may also feel compelled to criticize what they see as ineffective methods of instruction or discipline. At the same time, however, INFJs want to please the teacher and to maintain external harmony. This again leaves them feeling torn between allegiance to their Ni penchant for truth versus their Fe people-pleasing."
•  "With time, INFJs settle into a healthy balance between their Ni and Ti, intuitively knowing how to apply their Ti without spoiling the delicious insights proffered by their Intuition."
• "INFJs commonly find that the world can seem indifferent and recalcitrant toward their idealistic visions. The disparity between their inner ideal (Ni) and the challenges of its outward implementation can be deeply disappointing and disheartening for INFJs. Because of the strength of their idealism, many INFJs struggle to feel satisfied with anything less than a perfect replica of their initial vision. What others view as a success, an INFJ may consider an abject failure."
•  "INFJs know they have been entrusted with much, so they expect much more from themselves than they do from others."
• "Despite their love for the material treasures and pleasures the world has to offer, INFJs have a commensurate need to discount or downplay the importance of “things” in their lives. After all, INFJs tell themselves that they are supposed to be concerned with the metaphysical (Ni) rather than the physical (Se). They are quick to criticize Sensing types for their materialism while surreptitiously envying them for having it." - this is extremely relevant to recent thoughts.
•  "INFJs’ need to see themselves as unique and unconventional also plays into this struggle. Some may balk at the idea of marriage and children, for instance, seeing this as the path for less reflective S types. At the same time, INFJs envy S types who seem happy and generally content with their lot in life."
• "In their weaker moments, INFJs can get caught up in the grip of their Se. Like INTJs, even the most responsible INFJs may suddenly throw caution to the wind and turn to thrill seeking. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, extravagant vacations, or shopping binges to indulge their Se."
•  "When it comes to people and humanitarian issues, INFJs typically feel they have answers, or at least have the capacity to generate one. INFJs feel that in order to solve the myriad humanitarian crises facing the world, we must first gain a better foothold on the fundamentals of human nature and human behavior. We need to better understand ourselves—our motives, behaviors, and personality...They also enjoy receiving new insights into people as they going about helping them. INFJs are least content when they become too caught up in themselves and their own personal grievances."
• "When engrossed in creative flow, they experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance, an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy...When engrossed in a creative stint, they may write for hours, occasionally even days, without rest. They may feel that, should they stop, they will lose out on the wealth of insights that are effortlessly flowing through them."

Oopsie I am so very sorry if you felt the need to read all of that, but it was a very long article and I really felt like nothing has pinned me so well. The fact that it's an extremely rare type makes me stupidly glad. Everyone should tell me their types so that I can read about them and get to know them better. I'm reading about ENFP now bye.
-T.

Update: SC is INFP. Close enough! 

Lookism.

        It's a topic that has been on my mind increasingly. It's impossible to avoid because everyone is a lookist, including myself. I don't like that about myself. What would I think of people if I were blind? I couldn't judge people based on their looks, but I would still hear about the concept of beauty and wonder if I was beautiful. Then maybe I would judge people by their voices, and that would be almost the same thing. It's awful but everyone will always be lookist, because appearances are sensory information that the brain processes, and everything that the brain processes gets a judgment.
        The other day my parents were tuning in to their favorite Chinese TV dating show, and there was a special episode in which all the participants were handicapped. My parents couldn't watch it, saying that it was disgusting, handicapped people shouldn't expect to be able to find love, and why would they ever put that on TV. It disappoints me greatly that they think this way, and it worries me a lot that my sister has to listen to this kind of stuff. She doesn't have her own mindset yet, and all of these awful remarks will undoubtedly affect her.
        I grew up obsessed with my appearance, and not really being able to stand it. In hindsight, it was abnormal and unhealthy how much I worried about how I looked. I still think about my looks a lot, though certainly not as much. I want to erase my judgments, but I can't. Even while I'm painting, I wonder to myself, why do I like these colors better, why am I trying to make it all beautiful? When I see beautiful women on Tumblr, I can't help but to marvel at them. Their hips and breasts and collarbones and lips and lashes entrance me. I only reblog the most beautiful of the beautiful, and why? Why do I love shoes? I love art and I have a profound appreciation for beauty, and while I relish in all of the beautiful things it also disturbs me and I don't know how to avoid it.
       I try my best not to comment on people's appearances, even compliments, because any reaction at all to one's looks reinforces their importance. When my friends talk about how gorgeous someone is, I just stay quiet and nod uncomfortably, because I'd rather talk about that person's personality. That's not to say that I haven't noticed how pretty that person is, but I try not to give it too much weight. When DC tells me about how much she hates her looks I don't know what to say. I give her the appropriate positive feedback and tell her how pretty I think she is, because she is, but I wish I didn't have to at all. I wish it wasn't important to her and I know that whatever I say won't change her self-image anyway. When LE looks at me naked and I look at him and we both marvel at how perfect the other is, it feels awesome. But why? Visual stimulus is incredibly pertinent to sexual arousal, it's built into our evolutionary code, and I love being able to enjoy it. At the same time it still bothers me. It especially makes me squeamish when people talk about how beautiful JD is. She is beautiful, there is no denying that, but it's not glamorous because I know how she got there. All of her starving and the isolation and the deception amounted to these petty compliments.
       The only way I can come to terms and be okay with my own lookism is if I am conscious of it. I'll allow myself to appreciate beauty, but I also need to make sure that I am not making any judgments on a person's worth based upon his or her looks. I have to appreciate beauty for what it is, and nothing more.
-T.

Big 5 personality test

I'm on my once a year personality test rampage. I took my favorite one again, the Big 5 Personality test.
I think this one is the best categorization of traits, and I like that it has a scale rather than definitively putting you into one or the other. Like in the Myers-Briggs test if you answer one extra question more introvertedly you're automatically completely an introvert, and I don't think that's entirely accurate. I just took it today and got INFJ, though I've been ISTP and INTJ in the past. The description of INFJ seems to fit me well though. LE is an ENFP.

As for the Big 5, you can score yourself against the personality of another person in your life, so LE and I did it for each other as well.
Click here for mine.
Click here for his. 

We mostly got pretty similar results for ourselves and each other, except for the conscientiousness. He thinks he's a slacker possibly because of his past, but I think that when he really focuses and puts his mind to something, he follows through really well. When we hang out he is extremely punctual, which is refreshing and is just one way he shows how conscientious he can be.
Personality tests are just good fun. They don't tell you much about yourself so much as make you more aware of certain things, but also if they are incorrect about you you can think about why you think you are different from the description. It's also kind of awesome win they seem to pin you down just right.

-T.

a real family

        I slept over at RS's house yesterday with DC and EE. It was overall a quite dykey night, no other way to describe it. But I won't get into that, at least not right now. Every time I go to her house my world is shaken a little because of the kinds of interactions she has with her parents. It was really strange for EE too, especially since she isn't used to being at RS's house as much. RS's mom was so human and approachable and joked around and at one point even said the word "sexy." EE said it was so weird to her that RS asked her mom about her day and they actually talked about it, and I agree. I never even talk to my parents and honestly it's better that way. This morning her dad was going to Target and asked if she needed anything and we just ended up all going. It was so weird that her dad waited for us to get ready and then RS bought a few things and there were no questions or guilt-tripping about spending money. She didn't spend that much at all I guess but even if my parents let me get like a $1 thing they act like they're the nicest ever and that I'm really wasteful and they are doing me a huge favor and giving me a special treat letting me spend their money.
        RS has had such a great setting to grow up in but also I can't imagine having family relationships like hers. I know that if I grew up like she did I would appreciate it and be okay with how things were, but as I am now I don't even think I want it. Why would I want to feel so close and attached to people? Do I really need that obligation to ask people about their day and talk about things? I'm more than fine with being by myself and in my own head. That's an odd thing to say but family closeness honestly weirds me out a lot and I always forget that until I see it in my face. I feel like I just made the exact same post as EE but I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who feels like these situations are so foreign. It's hard to believe that that's what normality is supposed to be. Also whenever I go to people's houses I eat all their yogurt and it's actually getting to be a problem, but it's so crazy to me that people are allowed to eat things in the house at will and maybe that's just me trying to get a hint of what it's like.
        Another note, RS told me a few days ago that her mom said all these nice wonderful things about me and that's such a huge compliment. But she also said that even when I'm happy and smiling she can tell that I have a lot of sadness in me. That's not the first time I've heard it, but it is the first time coming from an adult who I haven't even really talked to that much. It scares me that that's written all over my face, and I wonder what it is. Her mom is probably just extremely perceptive and attentive to people, especially being a doctor, but suddenly I feel very vulnerable and I wonder who else has noticed.

-T.

platonic friendship fail :]

        It happened just as I thought it would. Except I wasn't sure that it would happen. I'm never sure until it hits me in the face, maybe because it's terribly silly to be wrong on these kinds of things. On Tuesday LE and I went to Oberweis, then to his house. We chatted for a while and then watched some TV. There's something about the space and the air that shifts when both people know they want to kiss each other. Everything becomes amplified and suddenly your mouth is sticky and you can't quite breathe gracefully enough and you can't control your eyebrows. It's the most peculiar feeling. I still didn't think anything was going to happen though. I sure as heck wasn't going to make the first move. The credits for the Simpson's episode we were watching came on when he asked sheepishly, "soo.. would you ever consider doing stuff as more than friends?" Once my response seemed positive enough to that, he continued with, "so if I kissed you right now would that be okay?" I said yes and then we made out for the next hour or more and I was almost late to badminton tryouts again.
         LE and I recently started hanging out recently in a purely Platonic fashion. If we liked each other then, we didn't know it. He's just always been someone I can talk to easily, and I think I was that for him too. We just started liking each other randomly at the same time, even if I wouldn't admit it, not even to myself. He told me that sometimes it's okay to just go with the flow, and that he likes me a lot. I wouldn't have been happy constantly forcing myself to not like him, and I just feel so happy and relaxed with him. There needn't be any barriers. While he was driving me to school for badminton afterwords, he told me a few secrets. I knew more secrets than most people did anyway, but I still feel like he has a lot. They might not be secrets, but just things about his life that he isn't entirely open about or that just don't come up. I'm excited to get to know him even better. I can't wait until we are completely comfortable with each other. The first session was great, gosh it was wonderful, and once that initial unease wears off everything will be even more perfect. I won't let it become a purely physical relationship though. Neither will LE. We are too mentally connected for it to become only physical. The sexual component is only a happy supplement to the great companionship and whatever that we already had. Us being like this is still surreal. I guess maybe we just need to do it a few more times before it finally sinks in.
-T.

feets.

        Last night I was talking to LE, as per usual, and some interesting topics came up. He was super embarrassed about it, but admitted to me that part of the reason he like Quentin Tarantino movies so much is that he has a minor foot fetish. It's odd, but also insanely endearing. It's nothing creepy or anything, but just a point of interest for him. Because of this, he is also kind of into shoes, and we have the same taste in shoes.
        Why is he perfect? We like all the same things and we love to learn and we could talk for days on end and never run out of things to say and now he likes shoes and things that boys aren't supposed to like. He even sees lipstick as a means of expression and likes random colored lipstick. Boys don't like lipstick!! I wonder if he feels as comfortable with me as I do with him, and I think he does. He says that he really appreciates that I listen to his rants and can actually converse with him. What's not to love about his rants though? He is so passionate about so many things, and those things are important to him and he doesn't let society get in the way. He did awfully during high school, but he doesn't regret the grades. He regrets only that he didn't get to take all the amazing and interesting classes available, like AP Chemistry. LE is just so great sometimes I just want to scream and kiss him but oops only in a friendly way of course.
        His only flaw, which is his awful high school record, is actually something I appreciate a lot. Other than my geometry class, it's the only real look I get into that other side of the school stratosphere. There are a lot of things wrong with our education system, and I don't know what the solutions should be. I want everyone to love school and love learning but it really might just be something you have to find for yourself. Students in lower level classes are treated like criminals and imbeciles, and I hate that. In higher level courses we can joke around with teachers and be pretty much equal, the teachers take us seriously, and we aren't sent to the dean's office for sassiness. Our preconceptions of people really change how we act, and change the people as well. I love talking to LE, about this, about everything. I don't shroud away any parts of myself, at least not consciously, and he tells me things that he tells no one. We talk about each other, we talk about the world.
        I need to keep myself from liking him though. I'm not allowed to like him. I'd ruin everything. I'm not mature enough for him and I know I'd mess up and he'd never be my friend again. He's so much that I've dreamed of, so much that other boys lack, and now that I'm single I can see it right in front of me. But I can't. I'd just ruin everything and I can't let myself do that. I think that he might like me a little bit too, or just get the beginning feelings of it. I need to not hang out with him as often. I want this to be one of those things where we go to different colleges and see other people and grow into the best selves we can be, and then when we're both in our late twenties we'll meet up for coffee one day and then realize that we had been perfect for each other all along. Oh my god I'm embarrassing. I can't date him now because I can't lose him. I'm scared and I wish I wouldn't get attached, but I also know in my heart that, at least at this point in my life, he is my perfect counterpart. Having LE in my life forever would make sure that I am a lifelong learner, and that I never forget about what's important.
-T.

physics clique failure

        I don't think I can be friends with SY. It's unfortunate, because I really do think that she is a great and hilarious person with a kind heart. The only thing I wasn't so fond of about her is that she has a small scope on the world, but that can change. Except I won't be there to see her change, because she's shut me out. I've apologized and tried to talk to her about it numerous times, but to no avail. We're acting normal now I guess, but there is still something tense and uncomfortable. I want to just be done with it now though, it's such a bother. I've been through friendship drama before, and the last time was freshman year. I wronged RS, and then I apologized sincerely, and then it was done and we became closer than ever. That time I actually did something legitimately bad, but we still got over it. SY's reaction to something that I didn't even see as an issue kind of blows my mind.
        I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
        The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
        All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.

-T.

moved.

        The blog has been moved. Someone who was close to me was hurt and took things I said personally, and I am deeply sorry. I wasn't complaining about her, but the institution of friendship. She doesn't understand, but that's okay. It was wrong of me to believe that I could keep posting whatever I wanted without worrying people or offending them. I try my best to be both honest and respectful, but those two things are at times mutually exclusive. Too many people in my life knew about this blog, and I just couldn't be totally honest anymore. Friendships make everything complicated, and this is a perfect example. While it was my own doing and ironically my fear of friendship caused an actual rift, it's one more example of why I can't get terribly close to people. I've told everyone that this blog was deleted, so hopefully they won't go looking for it. I've given this new link to one person, and maybe I'll give it to one more. It's likely that I'll get careless again and consequences will come again,  but this will do for now.
        I know I need to get over myself and get over my irrational avoidance of friendships, but that will take time, and this conflict that in my mind shouldn't even be an issue has arisen and doesn't help. Frankly it seems silly to me. It's not that I don't like girls and that's why I've turned to LE. No, I don't think it's that because I do feel the panic a bit with LE. The difference is that everything I know about LE leads me to believe that a connection to him would be largely drama-free, and that's what I need. He's so relaxed and I feel so at ease. Any anxiety around him is quelled for the most part. I'm still afraid to get too close though. I don't want to be "liking" him, because I know I'd ruin everything and I never want to lose him. My life's complications are both laughable and my own doing.
        Why don't I just journal in a real notebook like a rational person would? It's silly but I have to pretend like someone is reading and waiting on my thoughts, even if it's make-believe random internet people, otherwise I won't have the impetus to write for myself. I've tried in the past, and this blog has been the only thing of this nature that I have stuck with. This blog has been good for me. I've grown as a writer and a thinker, and have even been able to occasionally capture my thoughts with writing. I think I'd choose this blog over my friends, maybe because it's the closest any object or entity has come to fully representing me. And I like me.

-T.

stake & sheak

        It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
        Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
        While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
        After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.

-T.

2/15/12

I'm too stupid to even think of a title for this post so it's just the date.
I'm insensitive, more insensitive than D, and I say mean things without thinking about any of it and then regret it so much later.
I'm trying to accept the fact that I am simply too dim to ever comprehend DC.
I need to cut my hair sometime soon it has zero style as of now but I'm too lazy.
I don't run anymore because I spend too much time crying for no reason or otherwise wasting life.
I've taken to popping random pills I find around the house several times a day just for the placebo affect.
I annoy everyone in all my classes.
My favorite student in my geometry class is mad at me and refuses to ask me questions even though I know he has them and stopped caring and so he is going to fall behind. I shouldn't have favorites anyway I'm the worst TA.
I mooch off of all my friends and can't pay them back.
I never start my homework until 8PM and then I complain about lack of sleep.
I'm the fattest and the ugliest in the physics clique.
I'm the worst in the world at linear algebra and I've stopped trying to understand what's going on in class.
I force everyone around me to put up with my stupid sad face even though they actually can't do anything about it. Somehow the only person who knows how to actually cheer me up is LE.
I can't help anyone in return for everything they've helped me with.
I cry for literally zero reasons so often and my asinine emotions are a real problem.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm the most pathetic person on the planet?
People should stop comforting and talking to me because it is only going to encourage my pathetic behavior. 

-T.

valentine's day

        I was really expecting today to be kind of bad, but I also realized that it couldn't have gotten much worse than yesterday, so I remained hopeful. In the morning I tried out a pretty new makeup item that I have been coveting, and so that was nice. I wore a purple velvet shirt and my favorite shoes (extremely expensive ones that D bought, let's not forget how doting he was on me.) Before school I was tutoring and a girl that I tutor came in and gave me a Valentine as a thank you for helping her so often. That was so sweet. In physics we got our tests back, and I got a good grade so I was happy about that. We didn't do much during class so we just got to mingle again. In geometry the teacher came back and she said that she forgot to specify which parts of the chapter I was supposed to fill them in on, so the class was actually ahead rather than dreadfully lost and behind as I had feared. Then I went to English, and we finally had a real discussion that wasn't, "analyze this poem." It was engaging and reminded me of why I picked to be in the English class for yet another semester. I could tell that my teacher was glad I was talking again. The only bad part was that DC was very obviously not talking on purpose because she didn't want me to feel intimidated. At the very end of class she finally spoke up, and it was a very developed and advanced idea and everyone was kind of quiet because it was so deep and nobody had even thought that far at all. She worried for the rest of the day that everyone hated her and she spoke stupidly when in actuality she was fine and her contribution was genius. Spanish was easy and then tutoring again seventh hour was fine and I got to finish all my homework. I'm glad I saw no sign of singing valentines, as I was hidden away in the tutoring center. Finally, in Econ I gave a short casual presentation. I was really incoherent but it doesn't matter so that was fine. In the middle of the period I got a note from my counselor wishing me a happy Valentine's Day, and that she loved my paintings (she was presumably working on typing up the fake recommendation I wrote myself for the Presidential Scholars Program.)
       By far the best part was when after school LE picked me up. I gave him a little Valentine that I had lying around (the kind that elementary schoolers give to their classmates) and a little tube of my prescription acne cream lol. I hung out at his house for a few hours. We have the best conversations and I learn so much and I laugh so much. He has a wall in his kitchen where people in his family and his friends have marked their heights and labeled them with the names of basketball players, and I was Jeremy Lin. We played with his guitars and his cat and did funny random stuff like look for a hat to put the cat in. We watched TV and the weather man was just HILARIOUS I just could not stop laughing. He showed me a lot of the video game notes that he took when he was a kid and usually hides away when girls come over, but I made him show me. He gets really into geeky things, but he also knows what's important and never takes himself too seriously. We went out for dinner and got seated in the middle of everyone. They must have thought we were drunk, we were laughing so much. We had the best conversations and talked about politics and the Ottoman Empire and the concept of the Uncanny Valley. It wasn't a real date, and it wasn't a pity date either as we had this Valentine's day outing planned for at least a week. It was seriously the best Valentine's day ever, even though it's my least favorite holiday. I'm so appreciative that it turned out this way because yesterday was awful I needed so much for today to be okay. I spent a lot of money on dinner (oops) but the fried pickles appetizer and the delicious burger and the hilarious time with LE was totally worth it. I don't make very many happy posts because I don't usually feel the need to "vent" about them but today was just so good. It was so good that I'm not showering before school tomorrow because I don't want to wash this day away, and I never skip showers. I am feeling a little guilty because it seems like D's day wasn't nearly as good as mine, but oh well. Hopefully his wasn't miserable.

-T.

i'm a crybaby.

         I couldn't fall asleep until very late last night. Then D woke me up with a text saying that he missed me. It killed me. It took me a long while to fall asleep again. I wore all non-waterproof makeup to school today so that I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. That was one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made. First and second hour my physics teacher wasn't there so I was disappointed but we didn't do anything so the first two hours were fine. DC had wanted to ask me about some of my deeper beliefs, for lack of a better term, but then said she couldn't ask me because my current state of mind would alter the answer. I made her ask anyway, and she asked whether or not I thought love exists or not, since it's not chemical and therefore must be tied to something higher like perhaps a deity or something. I said I think it exists, but that it's all chemical reactions. She seemed delighted and agreed with me. I like to think that I can be rational even when I'm emotionally fragile. Third hour we got our math tests from two weeks ago back. I did awful, worse than I thought I did, and the worst I've ever done in that class. I ended up crying quietly at my desk. I think my math teacher saw, and then SY felt bad because she thought it was something she said when actually I don't even remember what she said. Everyone probably thought I was only crying over a stupid math test, but that's fine they can think whatever they want.
        I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
        I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
        I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
        Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
        I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
        It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.
-T.

P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.