I'm so nervous nervous nervous nervous. The things I have to do are so simple I know I can do them. But my heart is racing and my head is pounding. I don't even know what I'm really nervous for. I'm afraid to fail afraid to make a fool of myself. I know I'll be fine but these palpitations perpetuate my anxiety. LE LE LE he always makes me feel better but he is in Minnesota and all I have is weed it will do it always helps even just the act of doing it helps.


funny parents

        I guess it recently occurred to my parents that I might want to have sex. I just got an extended anti-sex talk from them. It started with, "you're still a virgin, right?" and me laughing while nodding. Apart from demonizing sex, they also marginalized my relationship with LE, and assumed my rashness and immaturity. My mom made it seem like having sex with one person means you plan on basically marrying them and are going to be committed in some way to that person for life. She also assumed that I wasn't the type of girl who would just go around and have casual hookups. In all honesty, if LE weren't in the picture, I would plan on having a lot of random sex just because. He is perfect for me and I don't want sex from anyone else, and it's more convenient to just fuck him whenever I want anyway. Alas, we are young and so obviously we are not in love with each other so of course I wouldn't fuck him. So many things wrong with the previous sentence. They also think that I'd regret whatever sexual decisions I make. If I've learned anything from just residing in this body, it's that in the long run I don't regret anything I do. Of course, I am not sure how much of my views stem from resolving cognitive dissonance from doing immoral things, but nonetheless any actions I take have been thought about and are unregrettable simply by the fact of me doing them.
        Once again it is appalling and whimsical how little my parents know about me. My dad knows that LE's birthday is coming up and he is REALLY WORRIED about it and is on the verge of making my sister stay home from school that day. As if we hadn't already had sex in this house. As if they can keep me from doing whatever I want. Actually I think they know that they have little to no control over me when I am not in their direct presence. It frightens them, especially my dad, but if that's the case then wouldn't it make more sense for them to at least pretend to trust me so that I feel some moral obligations to them? That won't make sense probably, but it doesn't matter because I'm having sex whenever and however and with whomever I want. This summer is going to be awesome. They are just so unbelievably laughably ignorant of me and all that I stand for.


Also I ate so fucking much yesterday. I shouldn't even blame it on the munchies I wasn't even that high because my resistance went back up. YI is so great. She's like a better version of me. What is the point of this post.



        LE is out in Minnesota with his cute family camping and doing whatever. They are just so cute I can't believe they all exist. Non-poisonous family structures perplex me, even if it's just his Dad's side of the family. Above all, I miss him a lot. I made him take my iPod with him because he'll be driving seven hours alone both ways and I don't want him to be so bored, and also because I don't want to enjoy myself when he's gone. I am not allowed to feel happiness without him because I feel it so much when I'm with him.
        I don't know what I ever did that warrants life giving him to me. One day I am certain that he'll realize what a nut I am and see how much better he can do. He is the kindest, smartest, most understanding, overall greatest person ever and I honestly don't understand why he chose me. He could be in a great relationship with a lot of people. Anyone would be lucky to have him. So many people don't find this sort of a match for decades, if ever. I'm so young and I already know that if I only stay with him then I can be happy. I feel like I call or text him constantly, and I don't like it. But I almost need to because otherwise I am paralyzed by the terrible thought that he's just a figment of my imagination. It's highly likely, because something so perfect is simply not supposed happen in this ridiculous world.
        I was never supposed to be successful when it comes to dating. Look at my family. Psychology says that I'm going to end up with a spiteful controlling person and I'm going to hate my life forever. I'm going to hate myself later for saying this, but I've found success beyond my wildest dreams and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep it this way. He's physically far away from me now, but the thought of him existing and thinking of me gives me so much energy and will to live. When the world is crazy and entropic his simple presence anywhere at all makes everything okay. He's the Howard Roark to me if I'm Dominique Francon. (Haha, me as Dominique... wishful thinking much?) We complete each other in every way. Even sexually we're just so incredibly compatible and sex is only going to get better and better as we get more comfortable pushing boundaries together.
        I'm just so worried that life won't allow me to have such prolonged happiness. The more resolute I become that I won't let myself ruin things, the more I'm sure that he's going to be taken away in a freak accident. I'm a literal nut.


I told DC what happened at U of I with BD. After hearing of BD's recent dire condition, she told me, "I didn't know that people could win at breakups, but you just did."
I laughed forever because she described it so perfectly and she's so right. I have a new perfect boyfriend and he is moping around getting fat and not making any friends and playing WoW. I win.
Aren't I insensitive :P


the last math team meet.

        Math team state was yesterday. Nine of us went down to U of I. I called up SJ, AJ, and BD, hoping to get to see them. SJ and AJ came out to meet me, while BD is still ignoring me. SJ had tried to convince him to come hang out with us for half an hour, to no avail. I made SJ take us to his dorm anyway, which was a devastatingly hot 20 minute walk from the quad. SJ and AJ went into his room first. A few seconds later I walked in and BD made almost a squealing noise, and hid under the covers. We futilely poked and prodded at him for about fifteen minutes before giving up and leaving.
        I feel awful. It was so bad of me to start seeing someone else within two weeks of breaking up with him. He hasn't been doing well at all. He got even fatter, and is now back into World of Warcraft so basically his life is being sucked away. He has made no new friends. SJ tells me that he doesn't even know his dorm neighbors. I am assuming he hasn't been talking to any girls, except to ask random ones if they want to hookup (I still have his Facebook password oops.) He is still tweeting about me and making Facebook statuses about me, even though he has removed me on both social networking sites. I sent him a Facebook message, to which I know he won't respond.
        Does he not remember when ZJ shut him out of his life? How could he do this to me now? He was the one who always said that exes should still be at least civil to each other. Actually I'm such an insensitive person. I can't blame him. Strong emotions lead to such irrationality and that's why I hate them and that's also why I love them. I've hurt him so much and he doesn't mean that much to me anymore. Except that I will always still care about him and want him to do well in life. It kills me to see him lazing away and wallowing in self-pity. Nothing I'm typing makes sense because emotions don't make sense. Everything changed at the drop of a hat. How much of our efforts in these matters actually count? I couldn't keep BD and I together no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't keep me and LE from happening no matter how in denial I was. My life and where its headed is so promising right now. I don't want any of it to change, except I want BD to talk to me again. I want to help him. I could get all of what I want, or all of what I don't want.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just so inarticulate so I'm just going to stop.