i lost a friend.

        I guess this really isn't anything new. It's not new in the sense that he's been lost for quite a while, and it's not new in the sense that people lose friends all the time. I am still in the process of accepting my latest loss. Near the end of my relationship with D, I asked ZJ if he would still be my friend if we broke up. His response: "Yes. You know, if I didn't want to be friends with you I could have done that a long time ago." At a point when I needed to hear them most, these were some of the most comforting words of my life.
        There is no good reason that we are not friends anymore, other than that I screwed up and pushed him away. While I did that, I guess I never really believed that I would need him again, or maybe I never really believed that he would actually leave me for good. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. What's lost is lost. He won't speak to me. In person if I approach him he will acknowledge me, but he has told people that I seem to give him this big fake smile whenever I see him. I try to chat him up on skype, but he just ignores me. I don't know what's happening anymore. I cannot even speak to him about this. EG's existence doesn't help at all either. Our schism is simply stuck, and I suppose I did it to myself. I have no choice in the matter now.
        Losing a friend is kind of like a breakup, but I really do think it is worse. Maybe you weren't so deeply and emotionally intertwined with a friend, but it is still a heartbreak all the same. It's worse because friends are not supposed to leave you. Boyfriends come and go. They are supposed to, especially at my age. I knew in the back of my mind all along that D would leave me and that he would cut me ever so deeply. That's just how the vast majority of relationships end up. On the contrary, friendship is supposed to last past all of these hot romantic relationships. Friendship goes deeper. There is no need to say sweet nothings to your friends because they know them already and you aren't really afraid to lose them. A great friendship should be stable and comforting.
        ZJ was more than just a friend to me. He was the brother I never had. I really looked up to him. His grades weren't that great and he wasn't that good looking, but he knew what was important in life. He knew the right things to say and everyone loved him. He always got his point across, and his messages were concise and insightful. While my mind frantically tried to find comfort in a state of perpetual confusion, he was a voice of reason. Later his role came to be fulfilled even better by LE, but that didn't make me value ZJ less. As of last year, and even the beginning of this school year, ZJ was the only person from high school who I just knew I would keep in contact with. We were supposed to invite each other to dinner parties and have our kids over for play dates and have every Christmas and Thanksgiving together and laugh about all the silly things we did when we were teenagers. I couldn't, and I still can't, say that about anyone else. I looked up to him, my big brother who I was afraid of sometimes, who I would be annoying to much of the time. Now he won't look at me at all.
-T.

motivations

We are all motivated by different underlying factors. Some of them are so strong that they define much of our personalities and actions.
Here's what I have off the top of my head.

• my father - pride
• my mother - appearing sane and popular
• my sister - feeling grown up
• JD - perfection
• XK - feeling smart and sensitive
• D - shielding himself from emotional pain, sex
• EG - being faylor swift
• NS - protecting everybody
• SC - beauty in every sense of the word. her sense, at least.

The rest I haven't quite figured out yet, including myself.
-T.

P.S. I'm not trying to simplify people! I could never capture a person in a few words, or a novel, or even a library.  Everyone is so complex and wonderful seriously I love it.

GTFO (!)

        I'm recalling a particular time when I was listening to my favorite radio talk show. Loveline is a radio show on which Dr. Drew Pinsky, my idol, answers listeners' difficult questions on relationships, sexuality, and mental health. You guys should all definitely check this show out if you can handle it. In the Chicago area it's on 101.1FM. It's on every Sunday through Thursday night - yes, school nights, it's probably that way on purpose - from 10PM to 12AM. It's a late show, but if you find that you have a bout of insomnia or a day off from school, it's definitely worth the listen.
        A teenage girl called, spilling forth a long, monotonous story about her troubles with her boyfriend. Dr. Drew interrupted her eventually, telling her that it was just over. He explained to her gently that when more mature people are in relationships, they learn to recognize when a relationship just won't work out. Because she was so young and inexperienced, she couldn't just let go of this faltering relationship. She couldn't recognize that it was already over.
        However, I don't think this applies to my situation with D. It used to, back when we were drifting apart in January-February. Now, there really is something that holds us together, and it isn't just our immaturity. I believe there is something to build at least a juvenile relationship on.
        I'm applying this Dr. Drew reference to friendships. I don't quite understand why NS still feels like she needs or wants to deal with EG. EG's fakery is coming out more than ever. I personally cannot stand her, and I'm glad she despises me too. However, even after EG said horrid things to NS and nobody can stand her anymore, NS still continues to be her friend. EG has ruined ZJ. Everyone can see it. I truly believe that EG needs to GTFO, but of course she won't. I don't understand how NS could continue to put up with her. If it were me, I would have rid myself of this failed and fruitless friendship long ago. I highly doubt that NS legitimately enjoys being around EG. EG is just a dumb robot. She has far exceeded her GTFO threshold. Seriously.
-T.

shut up, bishh

Dear EG:

        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.

        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.

        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.

        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.

        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.

-T.

How...?

        EG told me in a semi-joking semi-mocking way that her goal in life is to be happy. It was as if she was telling me that since she wanted to be happy, so she was. As if I wanted to be this way. I put on my depressed down-dragging manner on purpose. I do it for attention. I don't want to be happy, not like she or anyone else does. 

        How do people expect me to be happy when they criticize me for not being happy? It's my fault I'm this way. It's my own thinking and my own stupidity and my own narrow-mindedness that puts me here. Even if that's true, which it truly could be, do they think they can just tell me to snap out of it? They tell me that they don't hate me, they just wish I could sound happy for once. Seriously that makes me so angry. I try so hard to be happy, and I still end up emanating this aura of depression. Then it becomes my fault for not trying hard enough. I'm obviously doing something wrong if I can't just be happy. They want me to "be myself." What if they hate "myself?" Then I should just put on my fake happy self so that people will like me. Honestly I wonder if that's what I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life. Nobody really wants to help. They just want to see what they think is a happy shining girl, and be done with it. Everyone tries to be so altruistic. They are so close-minded. They know so little.

        I have been shitting on EG a lot here. It's not that I think she is a terrible person. It's just that she represents everything about humanity that I detest and society loves. She is the conglomeration of effortless natural beauty, effortless cheer, magnetic "personality", fakery, people-pleasing, self-assurance, cute naivety, and artificial niceties. Worst of all, her qualities in combination with her broken family background make her absolutely unhateable. Only the most wretched could hate her. 

Everyone else can do it.

 I don't want it enough.

See?

-T.

ambiguity.

        Last night I went to a party of family friends at ZJ's house. He wasn't there. That was okay. I just wanted to wallow by myself anyway. Later he came though. He brought with him EG, D, and SJ. They just returned from a tour at U of I. I had not mentally prepared myself! And I was wearing my lazy weekend clothes and did minimal blah makeup!! ahhh. Still, it was nice to see them. Though I know that they did not go there to see me. SJ asked me, "are you going to NS's party tomorrow?" I replied, "uhh, guess not, seeing as I heard about it until now." Awk. I guess NS finds me bothersome now too.

       Anyway, SJ got into U of I early decision. EG got in the same way, and with a large scholarship. Yay her. D and ZJ just got wait-listed. Sucks, seeing as how D has not applied to anywhere else because he's a lazy bum even though he's smarter and better than that. I hope he gets in though. Well, maybe I want him to get away from EG.I know, I'm terrible. Either way, it shouldn't matter to me, should it? I often wonder if I'm ever going to see any of them again once they go off to college...

        Back to last night. It was only a little awkward. At first I kept worrying about not being too forward or ambiguous with my words and actions towards D. He was encouraging and carefree. He hugged me once. I nearly cried. I wonder if he noticed the pimple thing by my mouth. He rubbed and tugged at the back of my bra once. We had a few tickle fights. He fell asleep. I covered him with a blanket. In a momentary haze of half-sleep, he held my hand. He touched my lips. He fell asleep again. I kissed the top of his head. My fingers grazed his hair and feathered the nape of his neck. He shrank away. 

-T.

why isn't he ugly.

I wish D could stop being so good-looking. I wish I wouldn't have to see pictures of him and his friends who were once my friends on facebook. Nowadays they always make plans without me. Actually they started doing that a while ago. They look so happy without me. D doesn't need me. He once did. Not anymore. He has all of his fun friends who were once my friends to have a great time with. Especially EG. Especially EG.

-T.