I am stupid.

        I am not eloquent and I don't think critically. If a decent thought does ever cross my mind, self-doubt and despair won't ever let me act on it. I'll never be an entrepreneur or make break-through discoveries. All I know how to do is prepare myself for tests on a path that others have set. I won't know how to take risks and set up my own tests. I am curious person, but I don't have the drive to do anything of significance. Maybe I have the ability to do things, in fact I probably do, but I'll always give up if the task appears daunting.
         I've been called "naturally smart," a "genius," etc. I am none of these. Maybe there is potential in me somewhere but I won't let myself ever actually be successful. I can't help but to see all the places something could go wrong. My current internship is marketing-based, and the tasks are simple enough but sometimes involve interacting with people. I can type up emails and letters and send them out but I can't stand the thought of actually meeting with people and pitching the company. I am culturally and socially inept. If I ever come up with a great idea, I'll freeze up when it comes time to present it to others and convince them of my merit. I am the worst at persuasion and small talk.
         I like LE. He lets me just sit there stupidly in silence while he talks for hours on end. I just like sitting in his presence, but I fear that he is going to tire of me if he hasn't already. I never have anything insightful or interesting to share. All I do is say stupid awkward stuff that amuses him, but never anything of substance. He'll tell me about history and ethics and involved strategies and music while I just nod and stare. It's not that I wish he would talk less. I appreciate that he talks so much, because if he didn't our hang-out times would be silent and boring. I just wish that I had the ability to share half as much novel and interesting information as he does.
        Sometimes I watch him talk to other people, DC in particular, and I just sit there dumbfounded. Maybe I am feeling left out, but I just want to be DC in that regard. She knows all the things ever and can talk about anything. She can actually uphold her end of a conversation with LE. He needs someone like her. I wish so much that I could measure up to LE and all his smarts. It is atrocious that people walk around thinking that I'm smart when really I'm just so stupid, especially compared to people like LE who will rarely be recognized for who they are. I'm so not good enough for him. I want more than anything to be as perfect for him as he is for me. I want to not want to smoke weed because LE doesn't like that. I want to not kiss other people. I want to be smarter and skinnier and funnier and nicer and also less pessimistic about myself.


BDSM I guess

        Sweet, vanilla love-making can be fun, but it gets old. Why would you want to restrict yourself to that, or to any particular way of having sex? People are too ready to demonize the idea of BDSM, or worse yet, some others are ashamed of themselves. It is too sad to me when people feel the need to shroud away their sexuality. By its very nature BDSM is thrilling and dehumanizing, but in a good way. Our sexuality is possibly the most deeply rooted component in our evolutionary history. Sex is carnal and pure and cathartic and one of the most animalistic things we do, so what is so wrong about bringing out those characteristics? By establishing and adhering to hard boundaries and safe-words, a sub still has control of the situation, so long as the top is trustworthy. If these boundaries are violated, then trust is destroyed. Partners who choose to dabble in BDSM normally have a great degree of trust in each other, and I think that being able to express the most taboo desires is a great measure of a strong relationship. BDSM tendencies don't have to stem from a history of abuse or mental issues, but even if they then engaging in BDSM activities can be seen as a way of gaining some good from a terrible thing. If a little pain or role-playing is consensual and not life-threatening and even pleasurable, then I really can't see much wrong with that. BDSM should be something that people are open to, and if it is really not personally interesting, then that's fine, but it is not something worth being ashamed of or hated on either.



cheater cheater pumpkin eater

        I think I cheated on LE. I hooked up with CM. I can't say that it was an accident at all, even though I was tipsy. Maybe I needed to experiment a little, but the fact of the matter was that for a few moments my thoughts were focused on another person and wanting her sexually. I hate myself a little, but it needed to happen and I don't regret it. It won't happen again and if for some reason it does then I'll probably just kill myself. LE just said that I shouldn't do it again, but I'm not sure whether or not it actually hurt him or upset him and he wouldn't tell me.
         I almost a little bit wish that I had had a little time to experiment and hook up with randos, especially girls, just for the experience before starting another rather serious relationship. But now I'm with LE and that's going to be the case I hope for a very very long time and I wouldn't do anything to change that. Except I wonder if this is another manifestation of me trying to ruin a good thing for myself. Sometimes I can feel myself being really irritating and doing stupid things just to try to get a rise out of him. I don't think I've ever seen him genuinely angry and that's so weird. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do just to make things chaotic just because chaos is normal and comforting to me. He really should be with someone who isn't actively trying to mess up his life.
         If I think really hard I know that he's not actually angry with me but I'm just going to pretend like he is and feel like it because I like the torture I guess.
rnt i dumm