Last night I was talking to LE, as per usual, and some interesting topics came up. He was super embarrassed about it, but admitted to me that part of the reason he like Quentin Tarantino movies so much is that he has a minor foot fetish. It's odd, but also insanely endearing. It's nothing creepy or anything, but just a point of interest for him. Because of this, he is also kind of into shoes, and we have the same taste in shoes.
        Why is he perfect? We like all the same things and we love to learn and we could talk for days on end and never run out of things to say and now he likes shoes and things that boys aren't supposed to like. He even sees lipstick as a means of expression and likes random colored lipstick. Boys don't like lipstick!! I wonder if he feels as comfortable with me as I do with him, and I think he does. He says that he really appreciates that I listen to his rants and can actually converse with him. What's not to love about his rants though? He is so passionate about so many things, and those things are important to him and he doesn't let society get in the way. He did awfully during high school, but he doesn't regret the grades. He regrets only that he didn't get to take all the amazing and interesting classes available, like AP Chemistry. LE is just so great sometimes I just want to scream and kiss him but oops only in a friendly way of course.
        His only flaw, which is his awful high school record, is actually something I appreciate a lot. Other than my geometry class, it's the only real look I get into that other side of the school stratosphere. There are a lot of things wrong with our education system, and I don't know what the solutions should be. I want everyone to love school and love learning but it really might just be something you have to find for yourself. Students in lower level classes are treated like criminals and imbeciles, and I hate that. In higher level courses we can joke around with teachers and be pretty much equal, the teachers take us seriously, and we aren't sent to the dean's office for sassiness. Our preconceptions of people really change how we act, and change the people as well. I love talking to LE, about this, about everything. I don't shroud away any parts of myself, at least not consciously, and he tells me things that he tells no one. We talk about each other, we talk about the world.
        I need to keep myself from liking him though. I'm not allowed to like him. I'd ruin everything. I'm not mature enough for him and I know I'd mess up and he'd never be my friend again. He's so much that I've dreamed of, so much that other boys lack, and now that I'm single I can see it right in front of me. But I can't. I'd just ruin everything and I can't let myself do that. I think that he might like me a little bit too, or just get the beginning feelings of it. I need to not hang out with him as often. I want this to be one of those things where we go to different colleges and see other people and grow into the best selves we can be, and then when we're both in our late twenties we'll meet up for coffee one day and then realize that we had been perfect for each other all along. Oh my god I'm embarrassing. I can't date him now because I can't lose him. I'm scared and I wish I wouldn't get attached, but I also know in my heart that, at least at this point in my life, he is my perfect counterpart. Having LE in my life forever would make sure that I am a lifelong learner, and that I never forget about what's important.


physics clique failure

        I don't think I can be friends with SY. It's unfortunate, because I really do think that she is a great and hilarious person with a kind heart. The only thing I wasn't so fond of about her is that she has a small scope on the world, but that can change. Except I won't be there to see her change, because she's shut me out. I've apologized and tried to talk to her about it numerous times, but to no avail. We're acting normal now I guess, but there is still something tense and uncomfortable. I want to just be done with it now though, it's such a bother. I've been through friendship drama before, and the last time was freshman year. I wronged RS, and then I apologized sincerely, and then it was done and we became closer than ever. That time I actually did something legitimately bad, but we still got over it. SY's reaction to something that I didn't even see as an issue kind of blows my mind.
        I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
        The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
        All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.




        The blog has been moved. Someone who was close to me was hurt and took things I said personally, and I am deeply sorry. I wasn't complaining about her, but the institution of friendship. She doesn't understand, but that's okay. It was wrong of me to believe that I could keep posting whatever I wanted without worrying people or offending them. I try my best to be both honest and respectful, but those two things are at times mutually exclusive. Too many people in my life knew about this blog, and I just couldn't be totally honest anymore. Friendships make everything complicated, and this is a perfect example. While it was my own doing and ironically my fear of friendship caused an actual rift, it's one more example of why I can't get terribly close to people. I've told everyone that this blog was deleted, so hopefully they won't go looking for it. I've given this new link to one person, and maybe I'll give it to one more. It's likely that I'll get careless again and consequences will come again,  but this will do for now.
        I know I need to get over myself and get over my irrational avoidance of friendships, but that will take time, and this conflict that in my mind shouldn't even be an issue has arisen and doesn't help. Frankly it seems silly to me. It's not that I don't like girls and that's why I've turned to LE. No, I don't think it's that because I do feel the panic a bit with LE. The difference is that everything I know about LE leads me to believe that a connection to him would be largely drama-free, and that's what I need. He's so relaxed and I feel so at ease. Any anxiety around him is quelled for the most part. I'm still afraid to get too close though. I don't want to be "liking" him, because I know I'd ruin everything and I never want to lose him. My life's complications are both laughable and my own doing.
        Why don't I just journal in a real notebook like a rational person would? It's silly but I have to pretend like someone is reading and waiting on my thoughts, even if it's make-believe random internet people, otherwise I won't have the impetus to write for myself. I've tried in the past, and this blog has been the only thing of this nature that I have stuck with. This blog has been good for me. I've grown as a writer and a thinker, and have even been able to occasionally capture my thoughts with writing. I think I'd choose this blog over my friends, maybe because it's the closest any object or entity has come to fully representing me. And I like me.



stake & sheak

        It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
        Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
        While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
        After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.




I'm too stupid to even think of a title for this post so it's just the date.
I'm insensitive, more insensitive than D, and I say mean things without thinking about any of it and then regret it so much later.
I'm trying to accept the fact that I am simply too dim to ever comprehend DC.
I need to cut my hair sometime soon it has zero style as of now but I'm too lazy.
I don't run anymore because I spend too much time crying for no reason or otherwise wasting life.
I've taken to popping random pills I find around the house several times a day just for the placebo affect.
I annoy everyone in all my classes.
My favorite student in my geometry class is mad at me and refuses to ask me questions even though I know he has them and stopped caring and so he is going to fall behind. I shouldn't have favorites anyway I'm the worst TA.
I mooch off of all my friends and can't pay them back.
I never start my homework until 8PM and then I complain about lack of sleep.
I'm the fattest and the ugliest in the physics clique.
I'm the worst in the world at linear algebra and I've stopped trying to understand what's going on in class.
I force everyone around me to put up with my stupid sad face even though they actually can't do anything about it. Somehow the only person who knows how to actually cheer me up is LE.
I can't help anyone in return for everything they've helped me with.
I cry for literally zero reasons so often and my asinine emotions are a real problem.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm the most pathetic person on the planet?
People should stop comforting and talking to me because it is only going to encourage my pathetic behavior. 



valentine's day

        I was really expecting today to be kind of bad, but I also realized that it couldn't have gotten much worse than yesterday, so I remained hopeful. In the morning I tried out a pretty new makeup item that I have been coveting, and so that was nice. I wore a purple velvet shirt and my favorite shoes (extremely expensive ones that D bought, let's not forget how doting he was on me.) Before school I was tutoring and a girl that I tutor came in and gave me a Valentine as a thank you for helping her so often. That was so sweet. In physics we got our tests back, and I got a good grade so I was happy about that. We didn't do much during class so we just got to mingle again. In geometry the teacher came back and she said that she forgot to specify which parts of the chapter I was supposed to fill them in on, so the class was actually ahead rather than dreadfully lost and behind as I had feared. Then I went to English, and we finally had a real discussion that wasn't, "analyze this poem." It was engaging and reminded me of why I picked to be in the English class for yet another semester. I could tell that my teacher was glad I was talking again. The only bad part was that DC was very obviously not talking on purpose because she didn't want me to feel intimidated. At the very end of class she finally spoke up, and it was a very developed and advanced idea and everyone was kind of quiet because it was so deep and nobody had even thought that far at all. She worried for the rest of the day that everyone hated her and she spoke stupidly when in actuality she was fine and her contribution was genius. Spanish was easy and then tutoring again seventh hour was fine and I got to finish all my homework. I'm glad I saw no sign of singing valentines, as I was hidden away in the tutoring center. Finally, in Econ I gave a short casual presentation. I was really incoherent but it doesn't matter so that was fine. In the middle of the period I got a note from my counselor wishing me a happy Valentine's Day, and that she loved my paintings (she was presumably working on typing up the fake recommendation I wrote myself for the Presidential Scholars Program.)
       By far the best part was when after school LE picked me up. I gave him a little Valentine that I had lying around (the kind that elementary schoolers give to their classmates) and a little tube of my prescription acne cream lol. I hung out at his house for a few hours. We have the best conversations and I learn so much and I laugh so much. He has a wall in his kitchen where people in his family and his friends have marked their heights and labeled them with the names of basketball players, and I was Jeremy Lin. We played with his guitars and his cat and did funny random stuff like look for a hat to put the cat in. We watched TV and the weather man was just HILARIOUS I just could not stop laughing. He showed me a lot of the video game notes that he took when he was a kid and usually hides away when girls come over, but I made him show me. He gets really into geeky things, but he also knows what's important and never takes himself too seriously. We went out for dinner and got seated in the middle of everyone. They must have thought we were drunk, we were laughing so much. We had the best conversations and talked about politics and the Ottoman Empire and the concept of the Uncanny Valley. It wasn't a real date, and it wasn't a pity date either as we had this Valentine's day outing planned for at least a week. It was seriously the best Valentine's day ever, even though it's my least favorite holiday. I'm so appreciative that it turned out this way because yesterday was awful I needed so much for today to be okay. I spent a lot of money on dinner (oops) but the fried pickles appetizer and the delicious burger and the hilarious time with LE was totally worth it. I don't make very many happy posts because I don't usually feel the need to "vent" about them but today was just so good. It was so good that I'm not showering before school tomorrow because I don't want to wash this day away, and I never skip showers. I am feeling a little guilty because it seems like D's day wasn't nearly as good as mine, but oh well. Hopefully his wasn't miserable.



i'm a crybaby.

         I couldn't fall asleep until very late last night. Then D woke me up with a text saying that he missed me. It killed me. It took me a long while to fall asleep again. I wore all non-waterproof makeup to school today so that I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. That was one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made. First and second hour my physics teacher wasn't there so I was disappointed but we didn't do anything so the first two hours were fine. DC had wanted to ask me about some of my deeper beliefs, for lack of a better term, but then said she couldn't ask me because my current state of mind would alter the answer. I made her ask anyway, and she asked whether or not I thought love exists or not, since it's not chemical and therefore must be tied to something higher like perhaps a deity or something. I said I think it exists, but that it's all chemical reactions. She seemed delighted and agreed with me. I like to think that I can be rational even when I'm emotionally fragile. Third hour we got our math tests from two weeks ago back. I did awful, worse than I thought I did, and the worst I've ever done in that class. I ended up crying quietly at my desk. I think my math teacher saw, and then SY felt bad because she thought it was something she said when actually I don't even remember what she said. Everyone probably thought I was only crying over a stupid math test, but that's fine they can think whatever they want.
        I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
        I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
        I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
        Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
        I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
        It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.

P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.


that was sudden. and also deja vu.

         D brought up that he hates that my friends don't like him, and that "maybe this isn't going to work." That made my heart stop. I responded by agreeing and then listing out everything else that was wrong with our relationship and almost all of our fundamental differences. We don't agree on accepting others, feminism (or at least not being degrading), the greatness of thoughts even if they are impractical, drinking, and maybe other things that I can't think of right now. I brought up all of this and then he was like wait but I don't actually want to break up and then we talked on the phone and it was awful. He started to act so passive and that never happens. He left it up to me which made everything so much harder. I made my decision.
         I told him that I feel like I have to hide parts of myself when I talk to him. I have to suppress excess thoughts because he won't want to hear them. Maybe I was wrong to suppress them. Maybe I should have talked about it with them. Once I did share some mild ones on a pizza date and it was the best date ever. We had the best conversation. But then again there really is something wrong if we rarely have deep conversations, the ones that I love so much. But maybe that was my fault. I don't know. I had been thinking about how we weren't right for each other for quite some time. I know that we aren't. We just don't see the world in the same way at all. I knew this was coming and that I had to do it. He brought up an opportunity to do it, and I took it. There was no going back. I just had no idea it would be so soon. But I guess you never do have any idea.
         There was some confusion about our status. I told him we were taking a break. What does a break mean? I hate that word, but I'm confused too. Are we allowed to see other people? I'm allowing it. He's in college for cryinoutloud. But I know he won't. I don't think I'm going to either. The last time we broke up was February 6, 2011. A year and six days later, it's happening again. Is this going to be the last time? I don't know. If I end up going to U of I, maybe it won't be. If I don't, it probably will be the last. That's crazy. It's weird to not be with him. It's weird to not identify myself with him. It's weird to be single. It was weird to just type that. I can't tell him that I love him anymore, even though I do. Are we just going to stop talking? I really hope not. That would be unbearable. I absolutely hated having to do it and I worry about him a lot. I've made sure he will have someone to talk to for all of tonight. For once I won't be able to do it, even though I'd be more than willing to. Clearly that's just not possible right now. I want to be friends, and he can call me if he ever needs to talk about anything. Once we're over each other I guess. It's going to take a long time again. I cried, but I still feel like it hasn't hit me yet. I'm sad, but I know I made the right decision. For the both of us.
        The worst thing ever was hanging up. I wouldn't hang up and neither would he, but I knew it had to be me. The word goodbye had never been so painful. It was goodbye and the phone call that would mark the end of us, and it was just so hard to end that. Maybe the distance was getting to me, but it also brought out how little we are without our physical closeness. Him just being around made me feel wonderful, and without that everything bad about our relationship just became so apparent. Our ending was inevitable, but he'll have a piece of my heart forever. That's always been the case. I'll never put him out of my mind.
This is one of those times when words can never be enough.


good times.

        EE had a bad scary day ahead of her on Friday so the Physics Clique planned a sleepover and fun times for the night. And by fun times I mean drinking. We added RS to the clique, which we had been meaning to do for a while and I'm so glad we did. Drinking has its bad connotations and for good reason. It makes people do stupid things that they never would have while sober. It's also basically like putting poison in your body. But I think that done in moderation it's just like unhealthy food and shouldn't have that many long-term health effects, and I could be wrong but either way it was kind of needed that day. I hadn't gotten totally wasted in a long time, and it was the perfect opportunity.
        The five of us were having a grand time. I took a few drinks, but didn't feel anything. Cleverly I decided then to take about six drinks in a row just because I wanted to feel it. It burned in my throat. Ten minutes later EE and I were rolling on the floor and motor skills deteriorated throughout the night. YS hid the drinks from us and that was a good idea because I thought the rolling around was as bad as it was going to get. I forgot that I'm a lightweight and it takes a while to take effect. RS and EE had never met before but they shared their stories with each other and became fast friends and it was so good. RS was just the person who was missing from the clique. If I made zero new friends for the rest of my life I think that would be fine. I love everyone in the group so much. Our insecurities almost complement each other.
        YS was hunkered over the garbage most of the time and barfed at least twice I think. Anyway, it became a really cathartic experience for everyone, with EE and I sobbing a lot a lot a lot and then I had gross puffy eyes. The two of us collapsed on the floor, and I threw up in a trash can about ten times at once. DC is literally such a productive drunk. She cleaned the trash can and baked and decorated a fucking rainbow cake for us. She's unbelievable. She took care of all of us. EE and I slept on the floor where we collapsed and cuddled and talked and I needed to pee but couldn't move so I gave up. Eventually DC came downstairs once she was done with the cake and then at that point I could move so we talked a lot again while SY and RS were sleeping. We finally went to sleep around 3AM. Everything was perfect.
         I woke up super early to go take my driver's test to get my license. I drove half an hour to the DMV while I couldn't even see properly still. The DMV was closed. I drove back home. I really wanted to pass the driver's test while I was still sort of drunk though, that would have been funny. Overall it was the most perfect night even though I felt sick and stuff. Now I know the limits that I had forgotten. I won't get so shit faced and gross at a college party and I won't drink like this without a safe environment. I love the physics clique so so much. I was so glad that I could go and be there for EE. It was sad and emotional because I guess maybe I'm an emotional drunk, but the alcohol kept us honest and open. It was the happiest day in a long time. I love them.


my cutting.

        Cutting is hard to understand. Why would you want to inflict pain on yourself, especially when you already going through something hard? It's not even natural to want to hurt yourself. How does it even make sense? I guess it doesn't, but neither do most things. Some think it's about hating yourself so much that you want to destroy yourself, or that it means you are suicidal. Hah, once in 7th grade my mom told me that it was a good thing that I was cutting myself because it meant I knew I did something wrong and I wanted to punish myself. Middle school was good times.
         I got into cutting in sixth grade when my friend told me she was doing it. It scared me at first, but then I tried it once and I was hooked. I usually turn to it when the thoughts and emotions in my head feel like a hurricane, so much so that I can't breathe or see properly. It's when I feel like I don't have any control of my life or that I can't be heard. I often use something dull like scissors or more often I grab a push pin from my bulletin board. It's not about the blood or the cut. It's about feeling the pain, so the dullness helps. Those internet things that say things along the lines of, "you're doing it wrong emos, it's down the road, across the street does nothing!" really really anger me. While it's true that people slit their wrists to try and bleed themselves to death, that's not what it's about for me. I'm not sure that it makes me "feel alive," as a friend put it. It's a method of staying alive. I am cutting and I feel all my tension concentrating at one point, and it's like a deep breath of fresh air. It calms me.
         To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with it other than that it's an indication that I can't handle my emotions. It's a better coping mechanism I think than starving or drinking or violence. Those things have lasting consequences. My life isn't in danger, and my skin will heal itself. How are my cuts different from a simple paper-cut? The relief I feel when cutting probably is due to the fact that your brain gets rushed by endorphins when the body is pain. It's like natural drugs. I know that I'm not supposed to cut, and I really do try not to, but it's all for other people. I don't really understand why I'm not allowed to do it. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing, as per usual.