I don't think I can be friends with SY. It's unfortunate, because I really do think that she is a great and hilarious person with a kind heart. The only thing I wasn't so fond of about her is that she has a small scope on the world, but that can change. Except I won't be there to see her change, because she's shut me out. I've apologized and tried to talk to her about it numerous times, but to no avail. We're acting normal now I guess, but there is still something tense and uncomfortable. I want to just be done with it now though, it's such a bother. I've been through friendship drama before, and the last time was freshman year. I wronged RS, and then I apologized sincerely, and then it was done and we became closer than ever. That time I actually did something legitimately bad, but we still got over it. SY's reaction to something that I didn't even see as an issue kind of blows my mind.
I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.