sexual orientation

        I'm not heterosexual. I don't know what that word means because to be honest it doesn't make any sense. People are generally defined as being gay or bi or straight or whatever, but I don't think that any  of those is an accurate description of what you want in a partner at all. For example, heterosexual person is interested in people of the opposite gender, but not all people of the opposite gender. We all have a list of characteristics that attract us to certain people, and gender might just be one trait on that list. It might be true that someone is exclusively attracted to people of one gender, but that is far from the whole story.
         I guess I could be described as pan-sexual, but that word doesn't exactly cover it either. I don't lust for absolutely everything. I feel as if sexual orientation is an important part of one's identity, but I wish it weren't. I'm a little confused about who I am and this is a silly thing to create that confusion. I know exactly what I want and what I'm attracted to. Why do I need a word to categorize that? For simplicity's sake I'll assert that I'm pan, but its implications are not as I want them. I am attracted to intelligence, humor, sass, empathy, and a hint of something edgy. I might have a preference for men, or perhaps am just accustomed to them, but if something else piques my interest then that's perfectly fine too.
        When my friends want me to make out with them, they are perplexed by my lack of interest and general apathy. They are curious about girl-kisses, but I'm not. I don't see how it could be any different from any other kiss. They say it's strangely platonic, but then what's the point? You could kiss anyone that you are not attracted to and have it be platonic, I've done that before and it shouldn't depend on gender. I'm not curious. Anyway, I don't like for my kisses to be meaningless and that's just my preference.
        I suppose for now I just have to be okay with the label of pan, simply because I am expected to have some sort of label and I'll need to know how to answer that defining question of sexual orientation. Maybe later I'll decide to obliterate that label entirely.



I can't stand living here it's like poison. But I'm so scared that I'm wrong about everything and they're right. I wish so much that I were emotionally unaffectable. I wish that I were like NS, who never questions authority and follows the rules. I want societal constructs to comprise my moral compass. I would give up so much to have a simple happy life.

Lately so much bad stuff has been happening at home and it's so blurry and stupid that I don't even want to talk about exactly what has been transpiring. I've been happy for too long. I should have known I would find a way to ruin everything again. All I know is that I want to be out of here and literally the only person who can calm me down even when I am being evasive and awful is LE. Literally why does he put up with me.

Oops so many emotions right now. I'm such a stupid irrational female no matter how intellectual I think I am I will always be held back by the irrationality attached to my second X-chromosome. I'm just a stereotype of everything I hate and I hate myself.



i hate drama

I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to think and I don't want to believe certain things and I don't know motivations or rationale behind one of my friends. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I need to speak to her directly. EE's going to talk incessantly about it and be really extreme and alarmist and think the worst of it because that's just her, but it really makes me uncomfortable when she does that. I want to form my own opinions and I don't exactly trust hers, especially with her analysis of me. I don't think SM and EE are a good pair. They support each other and are good friends but they exacerbate each other's notions, even if their initial notions are correct and sound and then everything just blows up out of proportion. But it's likely that I'm just wrong about everything because that's who I am. I don't want to be in the middle of everything I just want to shut everything out but I still want to know. I want everything to be right in the world I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK.

I'm thinking about what would happen if someone random at my school got a hold of my blog and honestly I don't even think I'd care but that's just me. I have some secrets but those I will never ever talk or post or write about anywhere, if only because it makes them concrete and real. I have successful avoided all friend drama basically since freshman year. Now that I have close-ish friends I get entangled in all their drama and it makes me anxious.

I hope VK comes to school tomorrow I want to talk to her in person I want to hear everything she has to say texting and chats are stupid.