my grandma's here

        My grandma flew in from Seattle last week and she's going to stay with us for about another month. She's pretty much awesome, she cooks the best food and she is really sane which is odd considering she is my mom's mom. In fact, the most amazing thing happened the other day: she yelled at my mom for basically being an insolent, immature, selfish child. My mother is seriously the hypocrite of the century. She was trying to get my grandma to shut up with stupid sarcasm and saying "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" over and over while my grandma was talking. Yet, she scorns me when I am sarcastic. I have literally no respect for her, the only thing that keeps me from bitching her out most of the time is because I know it will just make her even more annoying. My mom doesn't take criticism from anyone, and I doubt she really took it to heart even though it was her mom, but she shut up for once. Of course, then afterwords she was driving me and it was really scary because she has the worst road rage and I was in fear for my life. Still, it was so incredibly worth it. My grandma also told her that my sister and I would end up having that horrible attitude rub off on us, and my mom shouldn't blame us if we act a certain way. This was my most righteous moment because I have been telling my mom this for years, which of course always backfires. I tell her that I get my bad attitude from her, and she says that it's my fault, that I should know to only learn the good things from her. This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, because that's like saying from birth I should have been able to differentiate good qualities from bad and only selectively emulate them. Of course, she has no logic so when I try to explain things to her, she pulls the, "I went to college, you didn't, I am so much more experienced than you are." If I'm so stupid then why does she waste her breath on me? I just wish she could see things from any point of view other than her own, because absolutely everyone knows that she is insane. She is such a negative person that I am so not surprised that I have had so much emotional trouble with myself.
        On weekends like today, she wakes me up by telling me I am a lazy fat ass and slams my door. She screams at me that it's 11 o'clock and I am so selfish by sleeping. I wake up and look at the clock and it's 10:15. It's like everything she tries to get me to do, she does it by attempting to guilt me into doing it. I do not want to wake up when the first sign of day is my bat shit crazy mother. Furthermore, I am not a lazy fat ass because I normally get around five hours of sleep during weekdays, resulting in an accumulation of about 18 hours of sleep. I am sorry if I want to sleep in during weekends. I am sorry that my brain needs rest and you can't understand that. I try to stop rewarding her asinine behavior by not listening to her when she is acting like that, but of course then she threatens me by saying she won't drive me to here or there or take me to the doctor so I can't win. I can't wait to move out.



        Yesterday was my school's powderpuff game, in which junior and senior girls play football against one another as a Homecoming tradition. They dress up in decorated, glittery, skanky uniforms with punny/intimidating names. They create chants and bully one another, each trying to establish their dominance over the other grade level. Frankly, it's a classic example of the basic principle of social psychology. No matter our innate qualities, the situation and expectations of others will greatly skew our behaviors. The moment the teams are arbitrarily split by grade level, hostility and group-think is instantly created. With group-think comes group polarization, in which initially mild group decisions become increasingly extreme. Here is a Lord of the Flies scenario in action. I also cannot help but call to mind Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
        I participated last year, and couldn't help feeling silly and idiotic. During the school day there was endless bullying and glitter everywhere throughout the school. The seniors last year chanted a girl's name just because they hated her. This girl honestly was indeed very hate-worthy, but the chanting was incredibly unnecessary. During the game in the evening, there were several injuries, including one girl bleeding from the mouth from another girl ramming her head against her. This year, I chose not to participate in this savage activity, partially because of my personal gripes about it, and also because it seemed a waste of time and $60. This event is an excuse be absolutely obnoxious, it is not about football and it is not about school spirit. The vast majority of girls at my school are polite, civil persons the rest of the year. Powderpuff makes for a great social psychology example. I am sure that I would have acted similarly ridiculous had I joined in, and that realization of my own innate savage nature is frightening.
       I thought I would feel left out, but oddly enough, I felt very alternative which was kind of funny. Every class I was in some girl piped, "we should take a class powderpuff picture!" and I would be the only girl not in it. I felt like so not mainstream, it was great. I still helped my friends with their punny names and their fun makeup. A guy whom I have not spoken to since 8th grade came up to me in the hallway and said, "I heard you were the only senior girl not doing this stupid thing. That's awesome." It absolutely made my school day. After classes, we had a homecoming assembly which would undoubtedly be filled with more brutality. I skipped it and had D pick me up. Of course though, as I was ten feet from his car, I was stopped by a parapro and forced me to return to the assembly. Since it was already half over and I really did not want to attend, I just hid in the bathroom and played sudoku on my iPod for about forty minutes. I really really  hated my school at that moment. Anyway, it was a waste of a school day but it was good because none of my teachers assigned homework for Homecoming weekend. I look forward to stalking my friends' Homecoming pictures. I would have liked to go to the dance, but buying a dress is such a needless hassle and my parents would not accept that I would go with D. I guess they will find out eventually that I'm seeing him again, but I'm hoping to keep it from them until I move out, if it is still pertinent. There are a myriad of silly reasons for which they don't accept him. I am so over high school though, that Homecoming is not important to me. I would rather sit at home and prepare for my next phase of life, which is college! I forced D to take me to McDonald's and we had a good time after school by ourselves. It was one year to the day that I lost my virginity to him, so of course we celebrated. Who needs high school anymore?



        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.

skin update

        So it's been nearly two months since my dermatologist appointment. I just wanted to say that it's been working and I am so so happy. Now maybe I'll get one zit a week and if so it's a tiny one and it's just a clogged pore that's clearing. Yesterday my sister's friend came over and I didn't really have time to do my makeup so I just greeted her without any foundation or concealer on and wow that was an amazing feeling. Granted, she was only 11 years old but I would never have been able to do that before. I don't feel like people are grossed out by my face any more, and I can feel pretty every day.
        I wonder if I stop taking the antibiotics and applying Tazorac if it will come back? I will probably have to stick with the Tazorac but the antibiotics I should be okay without and I don't want to build resistance to it anyway. When I make out with BD I don't keep having to position myself in a way that my makeup won't rub off revealing my face in a certain area. It's just super dumb to have to think about and I'm so glad that that problem has been resolved. I still have a lot of acne scars everywhere and occasionally peeling, but it is so much better. The hyperpigmentation should pretty much be gone in a few months, and I won't have to be such a cake face then which is really exciting. It's just an unbelievable feeling to not feel miserable whenever I look in the mirror. It's more of an internal change than anything really. Yay!


mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.


this turned into a post about boobs

        Today, D told me "<3 you!" It made me kind of uneasy. This phrase is obviously a lame teenage cop out for kids who don't want deal with the gravity of saying the word "love" but they still want to seem super cutesy and couple-y. I didn't say it back, was I supposed to? I don't know.
        Oftentimes, I wonder what he sees in me. I feel like I am totally replaceable, though most girls are. It's a bit of a hassle to explain, but this article sums it up perfectly. (I've had a link to it on my sidebar for a while.) It's great that I'm good looking and all, and he likes me for that, but then I walk around school or go on facebook and I see so many girls who are just as pretty if not prettier. I don't even have boobs to keep his interest. Why should he choose me when there are so many options? I'm awkward, creepy, crazy, and overly thoughtful. He could easily lose his interest in me when he sees some other girl at a college pool party or something like that. I imagine that this girl watches football, naturally gorgeous and doesn't wear makeup, has some nice C-cups, athletic, can drive herself around, plays video games, is laid-back, and lets him fuck her poop chute. Sometimes I think he is only settling for me and I am merely a placeholder to keep him company until that girl shows up. Of course, he doesn't realize this. He is naive and happy with me as always, but I have my doubts.
        A lot of the time we do group skype calls with our friends and we have a running joke about my boobs being small. Of course, D always keeps taking the joke pretty far and never really says anything like "just kidding." Even one of the other guys who was joking around followed it up with that small boobs are perfect and cute and it's okay. I just wish that D would do the same, he just doesn't know that it does sort of hurt my feelings a little when he keeps saying it. He only says he likes my boobs when he wants to see/touch them. I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but if I bring it up to him he will just tell me to be more confident and then say stuff like, "so what, I have moobs and I just deal with them." He still tells me I'm pretty in general a lot, but it's just annoying and a little bit appalling that he is that insensitive when he makes fun of me for my boobs. Does he honestly not get annoyed when I make fun of his moobs? Sometimes I do stuff like talk about other guys when he talks about other girls just to piss him off. I do the same thing when he makes fun of me and so I make fun of his moobs and pube mole and stuff. Also I say stuff like, "yah totally getting a boob job I need one," even though I would probably never get one because I'm honestly okay with myself by my own standards, but I just want him to tell me that I don't need one and I look fine as is, but probably he secretly wants me to get one because he likes boobs and he's always dated girls with big boobs. All this is just to give him a taste of his own medicine and subtly tell him to STOP, but of course boys don't get the subtle stuff. Silly boys.

getting physical??

        I'm taking AP Physics C this year and let's just say I'm having a rough time with it. Most days for the homework I just stare at the problem for at least half an hour and then I give in and ask people for help. My two main physicists are D and my dad. I feel like my physics-related neuron synapse is faulty or something. I thought I would like it and be good at it because I loved Calculus and Chemistry. Everyone else seems to get everything faster than I can, and the guy who sits next to me finishes his homework in two minutes.
        I got the multiple choice portion of my first test back today. It was a 26/35, with the class average being a 27. I didn't even reach my goal of a high C. I think I did better on the free response, but still. Maybe this is cocky of me to say, but I honestly think that this is the first time that I have had legitimate difficulty with a subject. Formerly, for my toughest classes, if I just do the homework and read the book I'm good to go. I'm definitely not used to being below average and I'm not used to not understanding things after hard work.
           Still though, there is some good that comes out of this frustration. I've found an academic limit, but that just means I need to work at it a little bit more than other people and then that limit will be pushed until it doesn't exist anymore. If I apply myself, I will be fine if I get a B. Since homework and test points are not weighted I can do poorly on tests but still get a decent grade in the class. We'll see how this goes, maybe it will just take some time to get the hang of it. Also, good thing when I took physics honors over the summer it was deceptively easy and we skipped all of the remotely difficult topics... Anyway, I'm also glad because I finally know what it feels like to really not understand something. It's one more item to add to my empathy bank! I always knew that people had trouble with things, heck I'm a TA for a C-level math class. It's something entirely different to be there though, to experience that despair and frustration. I'm actually really lucky that I have the motivation to keep going and not totally giving up.


here we go again!

       I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I went to D's dad's house where there was some sort of family barbecue so I met all of those people and it was barely even awkward. Oh yeah forgot to mention it prior to this but I'M SEEING D AGAIN. I was trying to keep it on the DL but it's pretty much out now so whatever. I hung out with him and his sister and his little cousins and saw his almost one-year-old half brother aww it was so precious. Afterwords before he dropped me off we had sex and it was nice and romantic and so sweet as well as sexy.
        I think we are both trying hard to not make the same mistakes as last time, and we really do want to be happy together. We've done a lot better talking about and working out our problems. There is honestly no one I feel more comfortable around. Whom else could I allow to inspect my vagina and cuddle naked with? He keeps mentioning things like kids and spending our live together which I know he is only saying in passing but I kind of wish he wouldn't. I'm still not entirely sure of everything just because there is no way I can just forget about the past. It's going to take a while for me to be able to trust him. As wonderful and sweet as yesterday with him was, there was a little something missing. There was nothing to fill those pregnant pauses where "I love you" used to go.
        The tricky part is that I do love him, and I realize that I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. My love for him is a bit different though. A long time ago, I loved him carelessly and blissfully. Now my love is weighed down with remembrances and guilt and anticipation for heartbreak. It's the lack of surety and security and possibly the lack of reciprocation that keep both of us from saying it.
        I want to be his perfect girl, and I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him right now, and I want it to last.
P.S. Last Tuesday, August 30, was our anniversary! One whole year :]