ok i'm embarrassing

Oh yeah so yesterday I looked at the GPA percentile ranges for the students in my year again for some reason. To my surprise, I realized that before I had been looking at the numbers wrong this whole time and I actually was in the top 5%!!!! For some reason I thought I was .02 away, but really I was .1 above! I was so excited, I was going to be on the special wall for everyone to see YES! I checked like ten more times to be sure and yes it was true.

But wait, I looked again and it turned out I had actually been looking at it wrong and I'm not actually in the top 5% haha WOW. I was really embarrassed considering I had just told someone and tumbled about it wow ok. Still though, I am only .003 away from being there. Yes, only three-thousandths away. I feel really dumb, if I hadn't gotten that one B sophomore year, or if I hadn't been a bum my freshman year maybe for just ONE CLASS I would have been there. Still though, I might have a shot at it MAYBE. There is still one semester left that determines the wall people, and if I get straight A's then I will have a 5.0 this semester and maybe take someone's spot on that wall. Yes, that is my new goal and I think I will just die if I don't get straight A's. If I get straight A's and still don't end up on the wall I think I will be okay with it because I did everything I could. 

Still though, yesterday for those few minutes I was going to be on that wall and I was just so relieved and happy and appreciative of my life. Wow how dumb am I?? 



This growth is a cancer it is a tumor it is wild
It bubbles and bursts so I slice it
I dig and carve this growth dig it out of my skin
The red on the paper dots and spirals
Like fractals and just like my tumor
Sinking and soggy this paper and inside me
I think it's gone and done I've cut it out
But after a little I still feel that familiar ache
That itch and that sore spot signify the root grasping deep and tight
And it comes back
The little scars split and heal and bleed every time
Deep and tight it always comes back. 



Mommy Issues.

         My mother really drives me up a wall. Is it any wonder that I am this screwed up? While I was growing up, I never thought anything of it really. That's not strange because when you're a kid your parents are your world pretty much. I didn't have my own mind, and I didn't know that a mother could be any other way. Even now I find myself questioning my own sanity. Could I really be the product of such a CRAZY PERSON? She is the epitome of the sucker of snake oils, the availability heuristic, and confirmation bias. I don't even feel that giving examples would justify her illogicality because they have been my whole life. How can I have stood for this after I developed my own mind since I was like what, twelve years old?
        The fact that I have dealt with this so long coupled with the fact that I am going to move out in a year makes everything so much more irritating. It's all I can do to keep from talking back and trying to correct her. I know she won't change, but it's simply not in my nature to ever give up on people. One word of retaliation from me will conjure up an extra two hours of bitching from her. I know this, and yet I still can't stop. It's hard to conceive that a person so irrational exists. 
         How could I be a product of such insanity? I would never blame my dad for cheating on her, I feel so bad for her. When my sister and I eventually move out, he still has to spend the rest of his life with her. I'm not sure why he married her. I really can't see any reason other than that she used to be sort of good looking. Well actually there is one reason maybe. She wouldn't put out unless they got married so maybe that's why. 
Sorry this has been a terrible and disorganized post but I am just so frustrated with having to live with her. 


misleading, oops

So I was notified that third base is oral. We did not do oral. I thought third base was vagina touching, which is what happened. That's all. Ok, now that we've cleared that up . . .
Irrelevant rambling but: I really appreciate that TO has not told me that he likes me or that I'm pretty or even that I'm hot or anything. Strangely, this is very refreshing. It allows me to keep my head clear, which is often a problem for me. Boys who tell me I'm hot or pretty are sweet, but I have to question their motives all the time. He's been a friend for a long time, and he still is. Our conversations are terribly dry and stupid, and that's perfect. With TO, I have few expectations. 
Summer fling, don't mean a thing.


More Wiener!!!

        TO is 6'1", going to U of I for Engineering, and athletic. He is playful and does not despise grammar, and really not bad looking... for an Asian. I just really cannot make myself be attracted to Asians, something is wrong with me. I'm seriously a race traitor. 
        Also, he really needs to settle down with the incessant shoving his tongue down my throat NONSTOP, like doesn't he have any other tricks? Sloppy. He's a nice guy, though I'm not quite completely comfortable yet. Casual physicality is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Then again, if it was with someone white and super-hot, would it be this confusing? Who knows.
        For some reason I thought his Asian status implied shyness and slight prudeness. I was quite a bit surprised when I found his hand sliding up my thigh within five minutes of mack-time. All boys are seriously the same. Just kidding, I can't make that generalization, but I mean come on.... D I think was a lot smoother than he was, and a better macker, and made me feel much more at ease. He was so silly it was great. That might just be because we were in "love" and had a good relationship going on, though. Oh crap I'm comparing I suck.
        This encounter really shows how much a friendship can change. We used to be dumb middle schoolers sneaking around the school and doing stupid stuff. A few years pass and suddenly we are both de-virginized, more attractive, more sure of ourselves, and horny as fuck. Sexual tensions over the years exploded today. Cool.


        An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends. 
        Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate. 
        I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such? 
        I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back.