I have not been posting much at all lately because I have been so busy but I just had to stop in and post that I got accepted to UChicago!
I learned of this after a splendid day in the city and at the Art Institute with LE. My life is so wonderful and filled with great people. I feel so validated and complete.



I've been thinking about my Myers-Briggs type a lot lately, especially since I found that two of the people that I love the most and have the best conversations with are INFJ as well. I think that's remarkable, considering it is the most rare type and consists of about 1-3% of the population. YI and VK are so cool and funny and intellectual and great and I'm really glad to be categorized with them. I have to ask SC what her type is, because I have a suspicion that she could be as well. She's someone who I can not talk to for months or probably even years, and still get along with and feel close to.

Read all about me here.

I don't think that I have an especially strong intuition the point of being psychic, but here are some things that really stand out to me:
  • "INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life."
  • "Growing out of their distrust of first-blush appearances, INFJs are reluctant to trust majority opinion. They are often the last to read a bestseller, feeling that if everyone else (i.e., the majority of whom are prone to being fooled by appearances) thinks it is good, it probably is not worth their time. Like INTs, however, INFJs can be suckers for a good conspiracy theory, appealing to their sense that “most things are not what they seem.”"
  • "They rival and resemble INTs in their level of openness and hunger for new ideas and perspectives. In some regards, they may actually eclipse INTs with regard to intellectual openness, readily appreciating both science and literature, fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose."
  • "The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring." --LE is ENFP and this is so true. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this is exactly what makes us so compatible. He brings out a lot of the things that I am inclined keep in my head.
  • There is also a reference to INFJs loving shoes. This is so strange and perfect.
  • "Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. They may, for instance, get depressed when they feel their creative inspiration has left them. Or, because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood. Depression may also stem from feeling dissatisfied in their careers or relationships. They may dream of having a beautiful home adorned with beautiful things, but feel stuck in a low-paying job that they are reluctant to quit because of a poor economy."
  • "Perhaps more than anything, INFJs love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation. Because of their verbosity and enjoyment of others’ company, they can easily be mistaken for Extraverts."
  • "They often feel more like recipients than they do creators of their ingenious ideas"
  • "Fe plays a role in perceiving and empathizing with others’ emotions. It helps INFJs intuitively recreate another’s emotion state within themselves. This allows them to know from within what another person is experiencing. This ability to profoundly empathize with others allows INFJs to understand and counsel people more effectively than any other type."
  • "In many cases, INFJs do not know fully understand what their Ni is telling them until they are given the opportunity to verbalize it. They may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition remains somewhat nebulous until it is expressed via their Fe."
  • "They can also seem quite intense in their communication since their words are infused with the emotion of their Fe. Consequently, their expressions may seem exaggerated, dramatic, or irrational, especially to Thinking types. INFJs can also be susceptible to self-pity and self-loathing, seeing themselves as victims. They may curse the fact that life isn’t fair, feeling that they always end up with the short end of the stick."
  • "INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJs can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life."
  • "Those who are especially precocious may be disposed to questioning the veracity of what the teacher or other students are saying. They may also feel compelled to criticize what they see as ineffective methods of instruction or discipline. At the same time, however, INFJs want to please the teacher and to maintain external harmony. This again leaves them feeling torn between allegiance to their Ni penchant for truth versus their Fe people-pleasing."
  •  "With time, INFJs settle into a healthy balance between their Ni and Ti, intuitively knowing how to apply their Ti without spoiling the delicious insights proffered by their Intuition."
  • "INFJs commonly find that the world can seem indifferent and recalcitrant toward their idealistic visions. The disparity between their inner ideal (Ni) and the challenges of its outward implementation can be deeply disappointing and disheartening for INFJs. Because of the strength of their idealism, many INFJs struggle to feel satisfied with anything less than a perfect replica of their initial vision. What others view as a success, an INFJ may consider an abject failure."
  •  "INFJs know they have been entrusted with much, so they expect much more from themselves than they do from others."
  • "Despite their love for the material treasures and pleasures the world has to offer, INFJs have a commensurate need to discount or downplay the importance of “things” in their lives. After all, INFJs tell themselves that they are supposed to be concerned with the metaphysical (Ni) rather than the physical (Se). They are quick to criticize Sensing types for their materialism while surreptitiously envying them for having it." - this is extremely relevant to recent thoughts.
  •  "INFJs’ need to see themselves as unique and unconventional also plays into this struggle. Some may balk at the idea of marriage and children, for instance, seeing this as the path for less reflective S types. At the same time, INFJs envy S types who seem happy and generally content with their lot in life."
  • "In their weaker moments, INFJs can get caught up in the grip of their Se. Like INTJs, even the most responsible INFJs may suddenly throw caution to the wind and turn to thrill seeking. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, extravagant vacations, or shopping binges to indulge their Se."
  •  "When it comes to people and humanitarian issues, INFJs typically feel they have answers, or at least have the capacity to generate one. INFJs feel that in order to solve the myriad humanitarian crises facing the world, we must first gain a better foothold on the fundamentals of human nature and human behavior. We need to better understand ourselves—our motives, behaviors, and personality...They also enjoy receiving new insights into people as they going about helping them. INFJs are least content when they become too caught up in themselves and their own personal grievances."
  • "When engrossed in creative flow, they experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance, an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy...When engrossed in a creative stint, they may write for hours, occasionally even days, without rest. They may feel that, should they stop, they will lose out on the wealth of insights that are effortlessly flowing through them."
Oopsie I am so very sorry if you felt the need to read all of that, but it was a very long article and I really felt like nothing has pinned me so well. The fact that it's an extremely rare type makes me stupidly glad. Everyone should tell me their types so that I can read about them and get to know them better. I'm reading about ENFP now bye.

Update: SC is INFP. Close enough! 



        It's a topic that has been on my mind increasingly. It's impossible to avoid because everyone is a lookist, including myself. I don't like that about myself. What would I think of people if I were blind? I couldn't judge people based on their looks, but I would still hear about the concept of beauty and wonder if I was beautiful. Then maybe I would judge people by their voices, and that would be almost the same thing. It's awful but everyone will always be lookist, because appearances are sensory information that the brain processes, and everything that the brain processes gets a judgment.
        The other day my parents were tuning in to their favorite Chinese TV dating show, and there was a special episode in which all the participants were handicapped. My parents couldn't watch it, saying that it was disgusting, handicapped people shouldn't expect to be able to find love, and why would they ever put that on TV. It disappoints me greatly that they think this way, and it worries me a lot that my sister has to listen to this kind of stuff. She doesn't have her own mindset yet, and all of these awful remarks will undoubtedly affect her.
        I grew up obsessed with my appearance, and not really being able to stand it. In hindsight, it was abnormal and unhealthy how much I worried about how I looked. I still think about my looks a lot, though certainly not as much. I want to erase my judgments, but I can't. Even while I'm painting, I wonder to myself, why do I like these colors better, why am I trying to make it all beautiful? When I see beautiful women on Tumblr, I can't help but to marvel at them. Their hips and breasts and collarbones and lips and lashes entrance me. I only reblog the most beautiful of the beautiful, and why? Why do I love shoes? I love art and I have a profound appreciation for beauty, and while I relish in all of the beautiful things it also disturbs me and I don't know how to avoid it.
       I try my best not to comment on people's appearances, even compliments, because any reaction at all to one's looks reinforces their importance. When my friends talk about how gorgeous someone is, I just stay quiet and nod uncomfortably, because I'd rather talk about that person's personality. That's not to say that I haven't noticed how pretty that person is, but I try not to give it too much weight. When DC tells me about how much she hates her looks I don't know what to say. I give her the appropriate positive feedback and tell her how pretty I think she is, because she is, but I wish I didn't have to at all. I wish it wasn't important to her and I know that whatever I say won't change her self-image anyway. When LE looks at me naked and I look at him and we both marvel at how perfect the other is, it feels awesome. But why? Visual stimulus is incredibly pertinent to sexual arousal, it's built into our evolutionary code, and I love being able to enjoy it. At the same time it still bothers me. It especially makes me squeamish when people talk about how beautiful JD is. She is beautiful, there is no denying that, but it's not glamorous because I know how she got there. All of her starving and the isolation and the deception amounted to these petty compliments.
       The only way I can come to terms and be okay with my own lookism is if I am conscious of it. I'll allow myself to appreciate beauty, but I also need to make sure that I am not making any judgments on a person's worth based upon his or her looks. I have to appreciate beauty for what it is, and nothing more.


Big 5 personality test

I'm on my once a year personality test rampage. I took my favorite one again, the Big 5 Personality test.
I think this one is the best categorization of traits, and I like that it has a scale rather than definitively putting you into one or the other. Like in the Myers-Briggs test if you answer one extra question more introvertedly you're automatically completely an introvert, and I don't think that's entirely accurate. I just took it today and got INFJ, though I've been ISTP and INTJ in the past. The description of INFJ seems to fit me well though. LE is an ENFP.

As for the Big 5, you can score yourself against the personality of another person in your life, so LE and I did it for each other as well.
Click here for mine.
Click here for his. 

We mostly got pretty similar results for ourselves and each other, except for the conscientiousness. He thinks he's a slacker possibly because of his past, but I think that when he really focuses and puts his mind to something, he follows through really well. When we hang out he is extremely punctual, which is refreshing and is just one way he shows how conscientious he can be.
Personality tests are just good fun. They don't tell you much about yourself so much as make you more aware of certain things, but also if they are incorrect about you you can think about why you think you are different from the description. It's also kind of awesome win they seem to pin you down just right.



a real family

        I slept over at RS's house yesterday with DC and EE. It was overall a quite dykey night, no other way to describe it. But I won't get into that, at least not right now. Every time I go to her house my world is shaken a little because of the kinds of interactions she has with her parents. It was really strange for EE too, especially since she isn't used to being at RS's house as much. RS's mom was so human and approachable and joked around and at one point even said the word "sexy." EE said it was so weird to her that RS asked her mom about her day and they actually talked about it, and I agree. I never even talk to my parents and honestly it's better that way. This morning her dad was going to Target and asked if she needed anything and we just ended up all going. It was so weird that her dad waited for us to get ready and then RS bought a few things and there were no questions or guilt-tripping about spending money. She didn't spend that much at all I guess but even if my parents let me get like a $1 thing they act like they're the nicest ever and that I'm really wasteful and they are doing me a huge favor and giving me a special treat letting me spend their money.
        RS has had such a great setting to grow up in but also I can't imagine having family relationships like hers. I know that if I grew up like she did I would appreciate it and be okay with how things were, but as I am now I don't even think I want it. Why would I want to feel so close and attached to people? Do I really need that obligation to ask people about their day and talk about things? I'm more than fine with being by myself and in my own head. That's an odd thing to say but family closeness honestly weirds me out a lot and I always forget that until I see it in my face. I feel like I just made the exact same post as EE but I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who feels like these situations are so foreign. It's hard to believe that that's what normality is supposed to be. Also whenever I go to people's houses I eat all their yogurt and it's actually getting to be a problem, but it's so crazy to me that people are allowed to eat things in the house at will and maybe that's just me trying to get a hint of what it's like.
        Another note, RS told me a few days ago that her mom said all these nice wonderful things about me and that's such a huge compliment. But she also said that even when I'm happy and smiling she can tell that I have a lot of sadness in me. That's not the first time I've heard it, but it is the first time coming from an adult who I haven't even really talked to that much. It scares me that that's written all over my face, and I wonder what it is. Her mom is probably just extremely perceptive and attentive to people, especially being a doctor, but suddenly I feel very vulnerable and I wonder who else has noticed.



platonic friendship fail :]

        It happened just as I thought it would. Except I wasn't sure that it would happen. I'm never sure until it hits me in the face, maybe because it's terribly silly to be wrong on these kinds of things. On Tuesday LE and I went to Oberweis, then to his house. We chatted for a while and then watched some TV. There's something about the space and the air that shifts when both people know they want to kiss each other. Everything becomes amplified and suddenly your mouth is sticky and you can't quite breathe gracefully enough and you can't control your eyebrows. It's the most peculiar feeling. I still didn't think anything was going to happen though. I sure as heck wasn't going to make the first move. The credits for the Simpson's episode we were watching came on when he asked sheepishly, "soo.. would you ever consider doing stuff as more than friends?" Once my response seemed positive enough to that, he continued with, "so if I kissed you right now would that be okay?" I said yes and then we made out for the next hour or more and I was almost late to badminton tryouts again.
         LE and I recently started hanging out recently in a purely Platonic fashion. If we liked each other then, we didn't know it. He's just always been someone I can talk to easily, and I think I was that for him too. We just started liking each other randomly at the same time, even if I wouldn't admit it, not even to myself. He told me that sometimes it's okay to just go with the flow, and that he likes me a lot. I wouldn't have been happy constantly forcing myself to not like him, and I just feel so happy and relaxed with him. There needn't be any barriers. While he was driving me to school for badminton afterwords, he told me a few secrets. I knew more secrets than most people did anyway, but I still feel like he has a lot. They might not be secrets, but just things about his life that he isn't entirely open about or that just don't come up. I'm excited to get to know him even better. I can't wait until we are completely comfortable with each other. The first session was great, gosh it was wonderful, and once that initial unease wears off everything will be even more perfect. I won't let it become a purely physical relationship though. Neither will LE. We are too mentally connected for it to become only physical. The sexual component is only a happy supplement to the great companionship and whatever that we already had. Us being like this is still surreal. I guess maybe we just need to do it a few more times before it finally sinks in.