a real family

        I slept over at RS's house yesterday with DC and EE. It was overall a quite dykey night, no other way to describe it. But I won't get into that, at least not right now. Every time I go to her house my world is shaken a little because of the kinds of interactions she has with her parents. It was really strange for EE too, especially since she isn't used to being at RS's house as much. RS's mom was so human and approachable and joked around and at one point even said the word "sexy." EE said it was so weird to her that RS asked her mom about her day and they actually talked about it, and I agree. I never even talk to my parents and honestly it's better that way. This morning her dad was going to Target and asked if she needed anything and we just ended up all going. It was so weird that her dad waited for us to get ready and then RS bought a few things and there were no questions or guilt-tripping about spending money. She didn't spend that much at all I guess but even if my parents let me get like a $1 thing they act like they're the nicest ever and that I'm really wasteful and they are doing me a huge favor and giving me a special treat letting me spend their money.
        RS has had such a great setting to grow up in but also I can't imagine having family relationships like hers. I know that if I grew up like she did I would appreciate it and be okay with how things were, but as I am now I don't even think I want it. Why would I want to feel so close and attached to people? Do I really need that obligation to ask people about their day and talk about things? I'm more than fine with being by myself and in my own head. That's an odd thing to say but family closeness honestly weirds me out a lot and I always forget that until I see it in my face. I feel like I just made the exact same post as EE but I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who feels like these situations are so foreign. It's hard to believe that that's what normality is supposed to be. Also whenever I go to people's houses I eat all their yogurt and it's actually getting to be a problem, but it's so crazy to me that people are allowed to eat things in the house at will and maybe that's just me trying to get a hint of what it's like.
        Another note, RS told me a few days ago that her mom said all these nice wonderful things about me and that's such a huge compliment. But she also said that even when I'm happy and smiling she can tell that I have a lot of sadness in me. That's not the first time I've heard it, but it is the first time coming from an adult who I haven't even really talked to that much. It scares me that that's written all over my face, and I wonder what it is. Her mom is probably just extremely perceptive and attentive to people, especially being a doctor, but suddenly I feel very vulnerable and I wonder who else has noticed.


1 comment:

  1. it isn't an obligation. i ask because i actually want to know. and our relationship is never going to hurt me in the long run because they are the only people who i can for certain say will be there for me, regardless of what i do. i could do literally anything and they would still be there and love me.