so jcrew

Hairy leg tights from J.Crew. Old news, but I'm intrigued.
I'm not a hardcore feminist or anything, I swear.

Is it odd that I want these?
Very badly?


Items for Which I Would Give Up All Contact with D:

  • a 36 on my ACT, perhaps I'd give him up even for a superscore of 36
  • guaranteed straight A's
  • guaranteed straight 5's on the rest of my AP tests
  • be on the top 5% wall my senior year
  • a beautiful C-cup
  • skinny arms and shoulders
  • clear skin
  • minus ten or fifteen pounds
  • lots of money
  • lots of shoes
  • sane parents
  • sanity
  • charisma
  • a crazy new hair color that looks good on me, platinum blonde or copper red
  • a 0.7 waist-hip ratio
  • pretty nails
  • acceptance into my dream university
  • unlimited time and space to discover and download music
  • peace of mind
  • being a legitimate math genius
  • being a legitimately stellar writer
  • delicate wrists
  • skinny ankles
  • no excess body hair - to never shave again!
  • have non-greasy skin
  • a naturally attractive person to people in general 
  • the ability to make friends easily
  • be instantly magnetic to boys, especially the worthwhile ones
  • an attractive and fun prom date
  • a sensitive, attractive, tall, and smart guy who cares about me - love is too much to ask
  • a psychiatrist


Mamihlapinatapai: A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.”

all i want

        We failed because you couldn't accept me once I began to reveal myself to you. You couldn't accept that I'm a real person too, and that I make mistakes, but my mistakes don't define me. You tried to change me, and I tried to change too. I couldn't change quite quick enough for you. I couldn't quite turn my life's mindset around quick enough. We just "weren't right" for each other. We weren't the same person.
        Honestly when people say that they just "aren't the same person," it frustrates me. Did you really expect that when you were born, one person out of the nearly 7 billion in this world was also born and created just to be with you? It's highly implausible, really. Even if it is the truth, how are you supposed to find this person? Soul mates are not made for each other. Each soul mate made the other. It's a combination of sensitivity, acceptance, and compromise. Relationships fail when one of these are not met, and really all three of theses factors run into each other. 
        I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for boys in my dating pool to catch up and know this too. They don't know how to make compromises. They are all so naive, and I don't blame them. I wish I could have stayed naive like that forever. Everything used to be so full of hope and potential. Only if I meet a guy who can give and take properly in a relationship could I allow myself to open up again. Actually, I know that's not true. I'll probably make the same mistakes and fall  head over heels for the next attractive boy who plays himself up to be sensitive and caring and shows some interest.
        I had my first "boyfriend" when I was twelve years old. I'm nearly sick of it. Statistically speaking, I most likely have another ten years of this. Some people never even find anyone. Some people have it so easy. They find that perfectly accepting person in high school, and they're set for life. I don't know how anyone could ever accept me though. I can't even accept myself. I can't even name one thing that I particularly like about myself. If you can name something positive about me, I've contemplated it and refuted it.
        "All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they're not all the same." Sometimes we never get what we really want. 


nervous breakdown 2

        During practice today the coach kept making my partner and I play doubles with all these annoying varsity people. Of course they beat us but it just killed our confidence. The coach played doubles against us with someone else twice and the other side lost both times. As punishment, he made my partner and I practice serves because ours were "illegal". Yeah right. He was just mad that he couldn't get them and that he lost and that he didn't put us on varsity or something. LOL JK I'm not good enough for varsity.
        I was already having a really annoying day. It's not good to not sleep and have so many things to do and then find out you didn't do quite well enough on your four-day calculus exam. I mean, I did fine. I don't think it's enough to pull up my grade though. I'm still waiting on the scores for the free response sections. I hope the curve is super substantial. My friend thinks I like her brother and is really creeped out but I don't like him at all. She was the one who kept bringing up playing badminton with him and going to prom with him. Ahahaha. Prom. It feels like everyone is getting asked this week except me. Kills my self esteem.
        Anyway, I was in a ratty emotional state all of practice, and it just got worse and worse as the coach kept being super annoying and bitter. Near the end, my partner accidentally whacked me in the face with her racket. Before I knew it, I felt tears welling up from the pain and the shock, and then all of my day's anxiety came pouring out. Nervous breakdown #2. I sobbed and sobbed and it was beyond embarrassing. I felt bad for my partner, I made her look like a total bitch and she kept saying sorry and I explained to her that it really wasn't her fault, that it didn't even hurt that much. She was really understanding about it. She is seriously the best doubles partner ever. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. People must think I'm really wimpy, and I must be. I just need to suck it up, everyone deals with the stuff that I do.
        My situation isn't special. It definitely didn't warrant TWO nervous breakdowns.
        Anyway, I'm taking the ACT tomorrow again as part of a mandatory school exam. I guess I'm going for the 36 or something. Not that I studied or am going to get it. 


get used to it.

        I'm. Really. Not. Going. To. Prom. I don't know, I guess I always believed that someone would ask me. I mean, I'm bubbly on the surface, and I'm not ugly. It just has to settle in this time that I'm not going to get what I want. I still actually don't quite believe it now.
        I really have been much spoiled by luck. Sometimes I forget and I mistakenly attribute my achievements to hard work and aptitude. I've been too successful. I don't deserve what I have. I guess that's why D left me anyway. I took him for granted, and I forgot that he didn't really know me yet. I thought he loved me, but that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I think that my SAT and ACT scores mean I'm smart, and okay, I'm smart, but a large portion of it was luck. I am always wondering when my luck will run out. Occasionally I'll think, yeah, I'll pull through. I'll make it, I always have. Always have doesn't mean always will.
        I'm not sure if I want to find out the results of my four-day calculus exam. D got an A before the curve, but my results haven't come out yet. He went around and bragged about it to everyone right away, and did his stupid ugly little victory dance. In fact, I'm sure that that's the sole reason he talked to me today, so he could smear it in my face. Funny how some people automatically attribute successes to their own worth and aptitude, while blaming failures on teachers, on situations, on other people, on emotions, even on plain laziness. Self-serving bias FTW.
        I'm being oddly calm for being in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I guess writing it helps me, but that's why I do it, obviously. I need to get used to the idea that I can, and will fail at some point in my life. Of course, those are my issues talking. How can I know when I'm being realistic, rather than pessimistic? I feel like optimism is highly unrealistic and frankly, very naive.
I need to stop time. I need to get back to work.
 EDIT: BD didn't actually get an A. He lied. What a loser.

there we go!

Oh, here's my nervous breakdown.






response to ANGER.

        I read NS's blog post from back in March about myself. It was about how I ended my friendships with her and everyone else because I felt they were fed up with me. It all started with a little facebook comment of mine that was a little rash. About ten or so people started attacking me for it, and I apologized, as I realized my sarcasm might not have come across the right way on facebook. I also said that nothing I would say would matter, as they would still hate me no matter what. NS described this as being childish and selfish of me. I really don't understand. I mean, I definitely understand why that comment could be considered childish. It was. However, I wasn't the one personally attacking anyone. Still, I can't defend myself, for fear of others misconstruing my comments as being selfish and making excuses for myself.
        In the midst of this I sent my "friends" a message essentially saying that it was okay if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I recognized that I'm a terrible person who damaged my friendships forever. I didn't want to drag on friendships that would be filled with remembrances of  the terrible things I had said. I told them from then on I'd deal with my problems myself. I didn't want to have "friendships" that would be tense. I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me places and talk to me if they didn't want to. I apologized for dumping all my shit on them and filling their lives with unnecessary negativity.
It was interpreted as attention-whoring and pity-seeking.
NS wrote nice things back to  me, saying she'd always be my friend and whatever. On the contrary, in her blog post she wrote that I'm like a child, and I need to grow up. I'm an extreme complainer (which I already knew) and I don't care about others because I'm so wrapped up in my own problems. Others have problems too, but they don't complain because they don't want to dump their shit on everyone else. 
        This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by sending that message. I should have kept everything to myself in the first place, which is what I said. I tried to remove pain for everyone by removing myself from their lives. Instead it became me trying to inject more angst into their lives. I still feel this way. I should change this post from past tense to present tense, because I know everyone is still sick of me. I don't understand why I expected others to listen. I am one of the most selfish people I know. 


is this okay?

For some reason, I had the irresistible urge to go put on my prom dress. Every time I put it on, it's more perfect and gorgeous than I had remembered it to be. It's a little big on me, but that's okay. Anyway, I got kind of sad, seeing as I'm not going to wear it this year. Maybe I won't wear it ever, since I'm pretty much unlovable. Still, I wanted needed to show someone. The pictures still don't do it enough justice.



The Falling Man

[Richard Drew]


        D and I have started talking again recently. It really doesn't mean anything, because he still likes that dork of a girl. After all, he has liked her since last year. (!) Very shortly after we started talking it became sexual. We almost started a friends with benefits kind of deal. Later I decided against it, and I'm glad. My friend broke up with her boyfriend, and they did the friends with benefits thing after that. She said it was the worst thing ever, and never to do it. You see, I knew it would have been, but I needed to hear it from someone else. For something like that to work, you have to unquestionably separate physicality and emotional connectedness. It is much easier said than done. I could tell myself over and over again that it would just be the physical portion, and he really doesn't give a shit about me, but something inside me would rustle every time if we went through with it.
        All I really want is for him to be my friend. I want to be able to talk to him without any ambiguity or discomfort. I don't know if I like him, but I know for a fact that I still love him. I don't like him because of how much he's hurt me. I don't like him because of how remorseless he is. I don't like him because of his insensitivity and lack of empathy. I don't like him because he made me trust him and then broke my heart. I love him because I once liked him very very much. I love him because he once made me very very happy. It's not that I love him romantically necessarily. It's just that if you care about someone so much, I don't believe that it is possible to just turn the other cheek and stop loving him. I care about him a lot.
        I told him all of this, and after a bit of explaining he said he understood. I also asked him a few of the burning questions I've had. He said that he really thinks that what we once had was real. I hope he's right. He also says he legitimately values me as a person. I can only hope that he isn't just telling me what I want to hear.
        If anything, I hope he learns from the mistakes we made together. I hope he doesn't see me as just another crazy ex-girlfriend, though I probably am one. I hope that we can both grow from this, and not necessarily apart.


As much as I despise tSwift and what she represents, both as a music icon and as the anti-feminist, I can't help but adore her bathing suit.

The only issue would be strange tan lines, but that would be alright, as my tan fades pretty quickly. Granted, I probably wouldn't look as good in it as she does. Does anyone know where I can get something like this? (For cheap. Haha.) 


nervous breakdown (?)

        I have been so excruciatingly busy, and the next few weeks are going to be horrible. I have badminton every day after school, and most days I don't get home until 8. 
Next week I have a four day AP Calculus BC exam, which is going to be worth my entire fourth quarter grade.
On the 23rd I have an all day badminton invite. 
On the 21st I have a large English project due, but I got my teacher to let me have until the 25th. 
On the 28th and 29th is the PSAE, which includes another ACT. 
For some reason I'm the last minute assistant for the oralist who is going to state for math team on the 30th. 
I have to study for that and meet with the oralist a lot now. 
On May 2, I have both my Chemistry and my Psychology AP exams. 
May 3 is conference. 
May 4 is my Calc BC AP. 
May 7 I am taking the SAT Subject Test for Chemistry. 
In June school will be ending, but there will be finals and another SAT Math II. 
I'm sure there's more that I have forgotten about/more things will come up soon. 
If I am going to have any chance of getting into my dream school, I need to get straight A's. I don't know if that is going to happen with everything that's going on. I'm really stressed out and all I think about during sleep are my heavy lids and overwhelming work. Somehow I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet, though I'm waiting for it. 
        Also, I still don't have any leads for prom. I want to laugh at D because he got rejected by three girls for prom and has no one to go with, but I also don't have anyone to go with. Plus, he's such a hottie, I'm sure he'll find someone. Man, why'd he have to go and kill both of our perfect proms? We would have been the hottest couple there.



the female paradox

        Yesterday was the school disco dance. The dance has nothing to do with disco anymore, and is known for being the night during which the girls dress as skanky as possible. I thought I was being pretty skanky, (shiny silver sleeveless top and tube skirt,) but I didn't realize how bad everyone was going to be until I got there. Girls were pretty much wearing bathing suits and underwear.
        I spent the first half of the dance trying to find this guy I kind of liked and dance near him, but then I realized he was never going to get off of that freshman hoe. They have been texting each other whenever they watch porn or masturbate. It was funny, because he told me he avoids sluts and stupid girls. Once I realized he was a lost cause, I just flitted around and grinded on attractive guys who I didn't know. 
        What is the point of this story? I gauge my own self-worth on how much I believe guys are into me. Boys think they want a girl with brains and purity, but really they end up being hooked in by the major skanks. We write off these skanks as dumb and worthless, but then again they are getting the attention that we want (as evidenced by me, later skanking it up with random boys myself.) We are supposed to be upright and prideful, but then we are also supposed to flaunt our sexuality. The biggest skank is the most hated, but she also reaps the most benefits. 
What's a girl to do?


get me.

I'm recalling a conversation I once had with D.
T: I only really have one or two close friends.
D: Weird.
T: Have you ever had people who just seem to get you? That's what these people are to me.
D: umm.. yeah, like ALL of my friends??
T: o....
Now we have three options here:
1) I'm looking for too much in friendships, and if I lowered my expectations I would find good friendships in people who don't think exactly as I do.
2) Most other people have an easier time understanding each other, maybe because they are more simple or more average.
3) Most people like D have yet to experience true friendship, and so they feel like their mediocre friendships suffice. 

Maybe one or two or all of the above are true. Another thing I find is that some "best friends" never talk about anything important or deep, and only do fun things or whatnot together. Maybe I'm just excessively needy for deepness. Maybe I just don't know enough about friendship. Maybe I know too much. There is no way to know. 



A response to JD's most recent entry:

Dear JD,
        Though I'm not sure who I really am, I feel like you are the person around whom I come closest to finding myself, if that makes any sense. I can't act myself around my family. I can't act myself around most of my other friends. There is always a large element of fakery. I don't have to dumb myself down around you, and if I feel like acting stupid I am able to, without any hardcore judging.
        Also, it really makes me feel special and useful when you rant to me about your issues. I haven't ever had someone who understood me so much and didn't think I was a total snob. You help me remember that perhaps I am sane, in a world where nobody understands nor cares to. Whenever I try to talk how I normally want to talk, people around me write me off as purposely pretentious. Whenever I complain about my life, I am unappreciative of all that I have and only see the negative in things. Both of those things are probably true, but it doesn't help me any when people just write me off because of them.With the negativity factor, it is highly self-perpetuating. I look for rejection in everyone I meet, and when I am looking for the rejection I give them the reason to reject me.
        I don't like to hang out with people because somehow whenever I do I feel guilty. I don't quite understand why. I know my parents would always penalize me when I was younger if I wanted to hang out with other kids. They would act extremely irritated and make me do double violin practice time, double the problems they would assign for me, and/or extra chores. They don't do that kind of thing anymore, and partially because I just stopped hanging out with people, but I guess now I still associate having a good time with a need to be punished. Now my parents are so used to me not having a social life that if I happen to have something to do they think that something big is happening and I am all of a sudden about to be distracted from my studies. My mother especially believes that the moment I go to someone's house I am going to stop caring about school. Every day now she wastes about an hour of my already scarce time to just talk to me nonstop about how I'm a big slut and I don't care about anything. Yet, I don't even do anything outside of school.
        I don't have best friends because like you, I am afraid of being hurt. In the future I can only see people leaving me, separating and going off to different schools and splitting and leading their own lives without me, as they have so often done in the past. Of course, for now there is no imminent danger of you abandoning me. Yet, as the past has also shown, that safety can evaporate at any point. What is the point of dubbing a person as your best friend if you have no idea what the future will hold? Then you will still have that awkward label attached, and not the real companionship, just as has happened with you and A. Not applying that label makes things easier. No commitments or expectations, no exclusions and no complications. It's also kind of hard to accept that you could be my best friend, because that position for you is already filled with a handful of people. I would count myself as your backup confidante because none of your best friends will listen.
        Still, our friendship is like nothing that I have had before. If I could allow myself to have a best friend at all, you would be it.