today is my mom's birthday.

        I honestly didn't remember until she came home with a few balloons from work. I was the only one who saw them so I quickly told her happy birthday before she could get mad. My dad thought it was tomorrow. Oops. We were playing around with the balloons later and then my dad accidentally popped one. My mom started complaining about what an idiot he was and how nobody bought her any presents and how she deserves to get all this money and a really expensive skin care set. This went on for about an hour, until finally I told her, "calm down, it's just a balloon..." Her response: "how would you feel if it was your balloon???" Sometimes it is really hard to suppress my laughter when she speaks. I tried to explain to her that just because she was born on a certain day doesn't mean she is entitled to all these things, and that I didn't get any presents for my birthday either and I didn't expect any either. She insisted that her birthday did in fact mean that she deserved to get whatever she wanted, and that she took me out for sushi dinner. This is true, and I thanked her for it, but also pointed out that I never once expected it, just like I didn't expect anything. Nothing quelled her fit though.
       To appease her my dad and I drove to Jewel to go buy her a cake. She told us that she didn't want any and that we were wasteful and awful, but told us what kind of cake she wanted anyway. We spent half an hour at the bakery part of Jewel debating which cake to get her and looked like crazy cake fanatics, and also got her favorite Butter Pecan ice cream. When we got home we were all like yayy happy birthday!!! She acted sour, ate a piece of cake by herself while we were still setting up the table, and then left and refused to eat the cake and ice cream with us, saying that she was full and didn't want all the sugar and coldness in the winter. Then after we were done eating she came back downstairs and ate the ice cream by herself.
        I really don't understand what goes on in her mind. She has such a sense of entitlement and is impossible to satisfy. When I was in first grade, I bought her a $5 ring for her birthday with my own money and she yelled at me for several hours for being wasteful and stupid. It must have been a very ugly ring, since she tossed it the garbage in front of me. I haven't gotten her any presents since then. I suppose I am required to buy my mother presents, but there is no winning with her anyway. If we don't meet all of her expectations, then we are terrible and inconsiderate. If we do try to do something for her, she calls us wasteful and stupid. Perhaps this is why I hate birthdays. My family is forced to pretend to like each other and sing an asinine song together and that just feels so unnatural in my house. I'm complaining too much though.Overall I had a very good day. We had math team practice and that always makes me very very happy, and at least I got to eat cake and ice cream! I'm always tired because I'm lame and need a lot of sleep, but I feel good a lot of the time.


perfect people.

         I received a letter a few days ago notifying me of my candidacy for Presidential Scholar. At first I thought it was another silly flattering begging scheme from some school, but at second glance it seemed to be something more. Addressed from the U.S. Department of Education, it stated that I was of 3,000 high school seniors in the nation who will soon be vying for a 150 or so spots for Presidential Scholars. The scholars get a free trip to the White House, tour D.C., meet the president, and have this crazy title for life. After stalking the website I realized that from my school it was me and the three-person 36 club. The 35-ers, myself included, were below the cut. Except my SAT score qualified me. The 1600 did it. How awkward of me, to be stuck in a group with the most academically perfect people in the school. Why me? I'm not sure that I deserve this. My SAT as I've said many times before, was a one time fluke. I would never in my life be able to pull it off again no matter how many times I took it. Why is this me? Nobody expects it from me. People at my school are way smarter than me, why am I in this category and they aren't? It's such a huge honor that it's almost unheard of, if that makes any sense. My school counselor had no idea what it was when I went to her in confusion. I think there's less fuss about it than for the National Merit Scholars, and this means a heck of lot more. I feel embarrassed about it, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There's no way I'm going to get to be a real Presidential Scholar, and I'm not even sure that I can get to be a semifinalist. I'm going to be competing with people like DC, and literally the smartest and most motivated people in America. I know it's all based on a silly test score, but it's so insane that I am grouped with these kinds of people. I never did anything great like write a book or do research. I'm just a normal person who just happened to be motivated at the right time and do well on a lot of things society values and rewards.
         This was never supposed to be me, I think. But maybe it was? But nobody is supposed to be anyone in particular I guess. It's just random chance. But maybe I had a good chance. I don't even know how this world works anymore, not that I ever did. Now that the semester is over and I ended up with a perfect 5.0 on a 4.0 scale, I really feel like a freak and a little bit of a stranger to myself. Maybe I'll end up on the top 5% wall, and if not I won't be too disappointed because I obviously could not have done anything this year to get up there anyway. It made me think of how when I was kindergarten, my teacher asked us what our goals were, and I said I wanted to be in the top 5% of my class. This was before I even knew there was a wall for it, before I moved into this school district, before I even knew what GPA was. Some things might be just meant to be, or maybe they are just random chance. I should know better than to think too hard about that though. It's beyond human capacity to concretely know any of these those big universe questions. No matter what though, I never want to forget my freshman year, my academic apathy, the middle school blues. Remembering it helps to keep the head inflation away. I still want to be a relatable person, even if I achieved all this stuff that only crazy people achieve. And I mean crazy in a good way. I want to meet all these crazy people though, and see if they are normal like me too, or if they are actually crazy. Of course there are those few who are legitimate geniuses, (PA is the closest one I've met,) but in other aspects they are somewhat lacking.
         On a somewhat related note, today my friend was talking about someone who she thinks is perfect in every way imaginable. There are always those people that everyone looks at and thinks are perfect in every way, from grades to looks to personality, and occasionally all at once. But that's impossible. Every person is flawed, and deeply so. I'm finding that once I get to know anyone, no matter how perfect they were to me before, all the things they are wrong and naive about become too apparent to me. I have not met a single person who is actually perfect, and those who I once thought were perfect are in reality far from it. I used to want to be other people, but now I can see that they are all as wrong as I am. They may have a lot going for them, but there are things wrong with them that I can't deal with either. I've already grown used to my own flaws anyway so I might as well just keep them rather than trade them for others. I can't imagine being anyone but myself. I know that people see me as perfect, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and at the moment I'm okay with it. While my appreciation for myself fluctuates hourly, I am pretty satisfied and honestly even a little shocked at how well I've turned out despite myself.



        I turned 17 today. I used to really like birthdays, but this year I keep feeling uncomfortable and realizing that it is a completely selfish holiday. I was thinking of doing something for my birthday and inviting friends over but I think I'd feel awkward with all the attention on me. Plus then people would feel obligated to get me presents and I don't like that. EE bought me an adorable kitten card that meows happy birthday and $20, and that was very nice but for the most part I just don't like presents. Congrats, I was born, therefore I deserve whatever I want just doesn't seem right to me. I told my parents I didn't want anything, even though that wasn't true. There were a lot of things I could have asked for, but I didn't want to give them anything they could hold over me. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that kind of a gift anyway.
        I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about  me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.


oops i misconstrue everything

        Oh oops in the post before I talked about my friend losing her virginity randomly but that was actually her second time and for some reason I just thought it was her first so I'm just setting things straight now. Her real virginity losing story is so sweet and perfect and something I can sort of relate to so that makes me feel better. The guy ended up randomly shutting her out of his life (sometimes I really  hate men) so that sucks a lot but at least she was happy while it lasted. Also it hurt for her first time which I always thought was a myth or it means you are doing it wrong, like probably not enough foreplay because it didn't hurt at all for my first time with the exception of a little stretching. But who knows, everyone is different.
        Regardless, I still felt what I felt when in the previous post and that still bothers me. Sex is so awesome how and why would I judge anyone for it?
I just have to include this. I want this little girl to be my child.


no slut-shaming!

        Hmm I just found out the story of how my friend lost her virginity (not going to say who lolz.) Basically she had sex on a cruise in Europe with a rando without protection. The without protection part I actually don't really care about and whatever it happens even though it's bad and risky. It just seems odd to me that some people legitimately do not care about who they have their first time with. I'm not even talking about timing here, since I can't be one to talk about that and frankly it's another thing that I don't care about really. Having sex with a total rando, especially when losing your virginity is something that I feel like I never could consider. I knew that there are people who genuinely don't care, but I never actually knew or was kind of close to anyone like that. To me it seems so unfulfilling and odd.
        Why is sex so hyped up anyway? It causes a lot of strange emotions and really challenges a relationship but I wonder if that's just because of the social implications and significance it's been imbued with. It's just something that two people can do with their bodies, and why is that so much deeper than oral sex? I don't think that it's the risk of pregnancy anymore, with contraceptives so widely available. I don't even think it's an intimacy thing, because personally receiving oral sex feels so much more intimate to me. After my first time if I were to hook up randomly I'd be more likely to have sex than allow myself to get head. I really don't think I'm a slut-shamer, but I still feel this twinge of almost a personal violation or something when I see or hear about stories like this, especially about people I know personally. I like to think that I am a forward-thinking enlightened feminist, but I still have these stupid societal norm ideas stuck on me. I don't think my friend is a bad person, but I did feel myself losing a bit of respect for her, which is wrong. If she was comfortable with it and didn't regret it in the least, then who is to judge? Not me. But apparently I do, and I don't like that about myself. It's more than that though. It's not so much an judgment cast on her, but more like a personal internal feeling that makes strange knots in my stomach.
        But yeah, this does not make her less of a good friend to me but I was surprised by my reaction to it basically. I am going to work to change that.


don't rat me out.

        Wait now that I cut again I'm scared that I'm going to get reported. I got reported to the school counselor for it in grades 6, 7, 8 and 9. Each time it made everything worse and my parents hated me even more. I just lied about everything anyway and it just stressed me out. I have a lot more reputation-wise at stake here. Imagine if I got a pass to "special services" during the class I assistant teach for? omgomgomgomg
        I know that people are just trying to help when they rat you out, especially all the friends that have done it to me, but it makes everything worse. I understand very much that professional help would benefit me, but it shouldn't take place in a school environment. It always feels like an accusatory interrogation, and leaves me on the defensive. It's counterproductive to healing. It's not like I could tell them the stuff that actually goes on, because it's borderline illegal. Their job is to tell your parents everything so that the school won't be held responsible if you off yourself and they had some pertinent information all along. I'm not going to be cutting again anytime soon so just leave it alone.

i want to be okay.

        I promised D that I wouldn't cut ever again, so I was scared to tell him what had happened. I considered not telling him, but I thought that he needed to know and I didn't want to lie to him. While I was crying yesterday the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better would have been to cry in D's arms. He had just moved into U of I as a transfer that day, and I hated to bother him. He was super disappointed, and said he wasn't mad, but he was really sad.
        He really means so much to me and it's really silly but he is the only person outside of my family that I really feel okay crying in front of. When he tells me that he loves me and stupid sappy stuff it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I guess that's why I keep him around. He has the most power to hurt me again, but D knows just how to melt me and make me feel better about anything at all. I'm glad to have D and my friends to talk to me and help me feel like a normal person again. I don't want anyone to worry about me though, especially EE because her family life is absolutely terrorizing and I don't dare to go into detail about it, it's that horrid. She and I have a lot in common and I want to keep in touch with her forever, if only so that I can find out that people with terrible starts can still turn out okay.
        I'm scared to push D away again so I'm just going to act happy and smiley because he likes me that way best and I just want everything to be okay. I feel better when I act like everything's better anyway, and I need his support more than ever.
Everything needs to be okay.


the silent treatment.

        Last Thursday, I told my mom that she was wrong for critiquing literally every person on every little facet of their appearance. I told her that studies have shown that it makes children extremely self-conscious if you  make any comments about appearance at all and so she shouldn't be judging people so much. She got really defensive about it and said she could say anything she wants and that it doesn't hurt anyone and why did I care so much. I told her that the moment she decided to have kids she relinquished the right to say whatever the fuck she wants. Somehow she ended up, as always, threatening that I would just end up at U of I and I was stupid and nobody wanted me. She just doesn't care about anyone and doesn't get that her behaviors are poisonous, and nicely enough, they are the number one influence in her children's lives. She stopped talking to me, and only passively aggressively did things like trash my room and talk shit about me to others in front of my face.
        Yesterday she finally said that I better apologize to her or else she'd never talk to me again. My response was, "no thanks, it's been the best week of my life." She yelled at me more and then after a while went back to not talking. I took the opportunity to tell her that I think she is a horrible person and my worst fear ever would be to end up like her, and so much more. It was absolutely awful, but it felt awesome and she couldn't even say anything back because she was too busy with her silent treatment. I find it kind of hilarious that she thinks it's a punishment for me. I haven't given anyone the silent treatment since fifth grade... why is my mother so mature??
         Except I'm not much more mature either. I was peeling beans today and my dad hated that I was sitting down and doing it. I was so lazy, why couldn't I just stand up and peel them? I refused because I think it's ridiculous and doesn't alter the functionality of the beans at all, and so he smacked me across the head. I hit him back for the first time ever, and he hit me again. I was like LOL HIT ME MORE I LOVE THE PAIN and he just yelled at me and wouldn't hit me again. I'm not afraid of the pain of being hit, but it just infuriates me because it makes me feel like a worthless animal. I went up to my room and cried for a really long time and I cut myself so deep and so much. I've never cut myself so much at once and I haven't cried like that since middle school. I had pretty much stopped cutting myself last year. I was in such a rage. My mom walked in on me cutting and she knew what was happening but she just yelled at me more. There was blood running down my arms and on  my clothes and nobody cared. She would not stop talking at me even though my iPod was on full blast and I was just sobbing and not listening. My dad came in and yelled at me more too, that I was so immature, and all I wanted was to be left alone. I started screaming at the top of my lungs like I never have before just so that they would go away and after a while it worked. My mom called me a crazy person and said that I belong in a mental hospital (with good reason.)
        She came in a few minutes later and after half an hour of her yelling at me again about how that she was the only one patient enough with me to talk to me and that once I got into the real world everyone would hate me, I went insane again. I threw my Calc book at her because I just wanted her to leave. She laughed and took it and beat me over the head with it a few times before leaving. I didn't stop crying for about four hours and eventually I fell asleep. I locked all my doors and my dad yelled at me to open them or else. I replied, "or else what? You'll hit me again? You'll block the internet? All the usual scare tactics!" He got pissed I guess and walked away and now I finally woke up. Lo and behold tumblr, facebook, and neopets are all blocked (yes I resorted to neopets to help in procrastination) and I haven't eaten and my eyes are grossly puffy and I just feel awful and sick. Finals span the next few days so I suppose I should study for those. I don't have any distracting websites to look at anyway.

This has post regarding my mental breakdown has been the worst post in a while in terms of both content and writing style and I hope everyone enjoyed it.

-T, the immature maniac.



        Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
        I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
        Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
        Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
        My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.



          I wonder if I'm ever going to be skinny. Ever. In my whole life. It's as if it's a bucket list item for me. I have to know what it's like to have everything you wear look good, to not be worried about those little pouches of fat under your armpits, to not have lovehandles, to have a thigh gap, to not worry about whether the angle of your chin is showing off that double chin, to not have that gross fat above your knee, and to wear whatever shoes you want without the worry of your calves looking fat.
        I know I'm not fat. I look good, and pretty average now. I've been running every day since Christmas too. While I haven't been losing weight, I feel more toned and a lot healthier. Sometimes though, I see a picture of a girl whose body is absolutely a dream and I just want to scream because I want that. I watch my friends starve themselves even though they are perfectly skinny and I wish I could have their bodies. Sometimes I wish I could starve myself, because it works. It's too bad I love food too much. I have a pretty good body, but nobody looks it at with envy and desire. I want to get to the point where my fat isn't distracting. When wearing booty-shorts and such in the summer, I feel like my thighs are so juicy that I look over-sexualized without trying. Skinny people can wear basically underwear outside and not have that problem.
        My main worry is that my body just isn't made to be skinny. I have wide shoulders, so that doesn't help. My waist-hip ratio is far from ideal and I have always been fattish. I look at pictures of myself where I know I posed the best way possible to minimize my frame, but I still look so thick. I want to get to where nobody will look at a photo of my and think that I'm thick. Instead of getting thin when I work out a lot consistently, I just get muscular. I suppose I'm just big-boned and I'm also really short and have stocky legs but that kind of sucks. Being curvaceous and juicy has its benefits, but being thin looks awesome, and I don't know if it's possible for me to be that, no matter how hard I work.