Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
        I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
        Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
        Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
        My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.

1 comment:

  1. I just don't even know how to explain how much you mean to me. You're so sweet, and your writing is so insightful and concise. I know that I'm crazy, but I don't even care anymore suicide is the coward's way out end self-mutilation is too painful for me. I eat. I promise. Not enough, but I do. I don't want you to worry about me; I'd rather you worry about how you can stop hurting yourself because I think you are so wonderful. You are beautiful and so damn cute. I'll always find a way out because I always do. My heart brings there times this summer and now it never will again. Loss taught me control and I intend to never lose it.. I'm probably just mad as a hatter. But I'll be ok. I always am. I want you to be ok first. I love you.