first quarter obligatory report

       Isn't it funny that for the entirety of my first quarter of college I haven't made a single post, yet the moment I come home I commence ranting about my parents again? I think it's because I don't really know what to write about when I'm at school. Everything is so new that it's not noteworthy that any of it is new. My roommate is really really messy and has a few disorders that I found out partially by snooping and partially by accident. I've tried to initiate conversation with her about it, mostly by opening up a little about my own problems, but all I got her to admit was that she had a therapist back home and is seeing one in Hyde Park. She doesn't seem to have that many people close to her at school, and I hate to think that maybe she feels isolated. I think I've made it clear to her that I'm very open to talk about anything she need to though. Any more would be suspicious.
        During O-Week I partied every night for a week. It was fun. I felt really outcasted from my dorm, since I live in the weird quirky  nerd dorm. One day I met a girl, and upon giving her my name, she told me that I had a reputation for making out with all the girls. I went out with people from this one dorm every night, and I thought that these people might be my friends, but in the back of my head I knew that I would be too lazy and too much of a sociopath to make any effort to keep in touch with them, even though they lived only a block away. The night before the first day of classes was the first time the single glow-in-the-dark star on my ceiling wasn't shifting and swirling. I ended up making a few close friends in my dorm. Like, 3 or 4. I don't really talk to most of the people who live in my building. I'm that pansexual girl who drinks a lot and got voted to be in charge of the communal condoms. 
        My classes were hard, but I don't know, I always think that. I don't know what it is compared to other people's. I probably could have worked harder. I could always have worked harder. It was harder than high school, but there was also more distraction. When grades come out I expect to have two A's and two B's. I learned that I absolutely suck at math. I don't know if I can continue being a math major. I should give back my math scholarship. But I have too much pride so I'll keep being a math major. The thing about honors classes in college is that they are hard as all hell but they will not give you bad grades if you put forth any sort of effort. My social sciences class has been my favorite. We learned to analyze social science studies, talked about the heuristics and shortcuts in thinking that people use, and we're going to learn basic statistics next quarter. I'm a better essay writer. 
        I planned on joining all these clubs and volunteering so much, but I found it hard to will myself to go to the single volunteer tutoring position I had. I feel as if all my extracurriculars need to be relevant to my future career now. Employers are not going to care about my art or teaching or singing or any of that, so it would be a waste of time to do. I spent way more money than I thought I would. I applied to a lot of jobs and research positions. I got one for next quarter, and it's a stupid one consisting of caring for transgenic zebra fish in a lab, but it'll be money. I hope I get an internship this summer. I don't even really know how to find one. I'm sure I won't get anything. 
        I barely talk to my family. I never spoke to my mom on the phone and that was very okay with me. I was supposed to call my uncle and grandma once in a while but I didn't. Sometimes I was "too busy" to answer their calls. I wrote them Christmas cards though so hopefully that'll suffice.
        I've been disillusioned. Almost everyone who is close to me is secretly depressed. But maybe that's just because I'm me and everyone I am friends with ever is depressed, but it makes me suspect that it is more prevalent than what I know about. College is just school. I wish I went into the city more often. I love the CTA though. I love it so much. I'm still adjusting. No one understand who I really am yet. I'm slowly starting to "come out" to people about cutting, about my parents, about being generally fucked up and stupid. People at school don't understand that when I don't proactively make that coffee date with them, it doesn't mean I dislike them. That's part of why it's been hard to make friends I don't live around. I don't mind it much, except that  I feel like I might be missing out on people that are just within reach and could be awesome to be friends with. But I know that new friendships where we have to proactively contact each other are just not sustainable for me, so it's not worth it to try really. I always need to go study instead anyway. The only person who I don't live by and who talks to me a lot is this girl who thought she was straight and then secretly had a crush on me. 
        My campus is beautiful and conveniently located for travel between the city and my permanent address. When I'm there, I have more responsibilities and more independence, which I love. I can pretend my family doesn't exist. At the same time, I can no longer blame them for my problems. Any shit I feel is of my own creation. No one is dictating my life any longer. When I can't control my emotions and have no blame for them, that worries me. There were nights when I couldn't stop crying for no reason and I needed to call LE in order to calm me down. I am so lucky to have him. He visited me a lot and spent all of my campus food dollars. He's the best. RS also visited me twice. That was fun. Fun, but I always had things hanging over me that I needed to do. I have to accept that college will be chunks of 10 continuous weeks of stress and work forever never being caught up on. 
        I feel like people are defined by their major. I don't know if I feel so in touch with what is supposed to be my major, Math with specialization in Econ. If I could do Math and Sociology, I would feel good about that, but my parents say I need to do Econ and then I can't fit in Sociology. So I'll do a Gender and Sexuality Studies minor I think. But do I want to do be defined by that? I want to major in everything, so effectively nothing. Why is college so much, but still not enough? 



snarky email followup

My mom's reply was a rant about how it still was a lot of money that they were paying, (which I did not and will never disagree with,) in addition to the oft-spouted stories of how she worked so hard through college to pay for her own tuition  of $40,000 and how she is so thrifty. $40,000??????? I asked my dad about this and he said her tuition was $11,000 and he paid for it one year.
Just a bit ago she told me that I need to learn more about "accounting things" because I just don't understand interest and something about retirement benefits and so her initial figures about tuition were correct. Maybe she is right and I have a gross misperception of the world and finances!!!! When UChicago tells me $30,000 it is all really a trick and it is actually $70,000 somehow and I am just too stupid and uneducated to understand!!!!
I don't even know why I continue trying to be sassy to her. She thinks she has proven herself to be in the right because I literally said "okay bye" and walked away from her. Every time I try to make her see the light, it only becomes more justification for her to be "disappointed" in me and think of me as a disobedient, disrespectful monster.Why am I so hung up on this? She is obviously an idiot, either that or I'm the biggest ignorant buttwipe who knows nothing about money and either way no amount of me sassing her is going to change that. Everyone who knows her can see that she's beyond hope. My sister is learning to never give any merit to what she says, and her own parents know that she's an idiot. So much of what she so sickening that it's almost comical.

At least I get to go to college though. At least I get to move out and be away from her and never speak to her again if I choose to do so. My dad, on the other hand, has to live with her presumably until one of them dies. He's given up. I told him about the incident and he told me to stop correcting her, and that when it comes to numbers, she is always wrong, and always exaggerating. He'll never be rid of her because it would hurt his pride too much to divorce her. My mom has yelled threats of divorce so many times, but she's never serious. He is such a logical person whose only sensitivities involve classical music. I don't know how he sleeps in the same bed as she does. My dad has told me that love and companionship are not real. Status and money are concrete and they are what will make a marriage last. I hope he honestly believes this, even though most people would say the exact opposite. I wonder when he started thinking this way. It's sad, but I hope it helps him cope with his life. I just wish he would stop making it apply to mine.

I think I've found good companionship and maybe even "love," whatever that is. I hope it lasts. My worst fear in the world would be to end up like my parents. Psychology says I will. I'm scared. I'm too passive to break the cycle.

What a stupid and unorganized post.



an email to mommy dearest

I don't mind it if you are misinformed about the tuition situation, because I understand that you are blind to facts, but please stop spreading false information to others, especially very gullible people with no access to reliable information. 
For this school year, my financial aid package and national merit scholarship make my tuition, including housing, as $9,525 per quarter. This does NOT include my $3000 math scholarship that was factored into the Autumn Quarter bill.
The tuition, housing, and other official expense are, by quarter:
Autumn - $7,061
Winter - $9,575
Spring - $9,575
TOTAL: $26,211 
Please notice that this is nowhere near the $20,000+ per quarter that you have been saying, and especially not the $70,000 annual cost. In fact, your numbers are completely made up and more than double what the actual costs are. The actual tuition and fees WITHOUT any financial aid is $62,425, direct from the UChicago website. This is still well under your purported $70,000.  
Even if our financial aid quotes change for the next academic years, this does not make the facts weaker, nor does it make your fallacious arguments stronger, so please do not bring this up. 
If you are trying to make me feel guilty about my life, at least use accurate information. If you are not sure about something, do not stand so firm on it if you are challenged. These are numbers with records; there is no way that I am making this up. In any case, it is very hard to take you seriously when you insult me and belittle me using outlandish statements and falsified numbers. 
Enjoy your humble pie, even though you will barely taste it and you will certainly not digest it.

Your dearest daughter, 
P.S. This message will have upset you and completely humiliated you, but it was necessary because eventually you need to be confronted with the facts rather than being treated like the three-year old you act like. I tell you all of this out of an attempt to respect you. Thank you.
It sure is a good thing she will probably have trouble understanding a lot of the subtle (or not-so-subtle) insults.  In any case, I'm gonna get it tomorrow.