I know that happiness is supposed to come from within, and maybe I am extremely naive, but is it okay for me to think that as long as LE is in my life, I have a chance at long-term happiness?

I am stupid.

        I am not eloquent and I don't think critically. If a decent thought does ever cross my mind, self-doubt and despair won't ever let me act on it. I'll never be an entrepreneur or make break-through discoveries. All I know how to do is prepare myself for tests on a path that others have set. I won't know how to take risks and set up my own tests. I am curious person, but I don't have the drive to do anything of significance. Maybe I have the ability to do things, in fact I probably do, but I'll always give up if the task appears daunting.
         I've been called "naturally smart," a "genius," etc. I am none of these. Maybe there is potential in me somewhere but I won't let myself ever actually be successful. I can't help but to see all the places something could go wrong. My current internship is marketing-based, and the tasks are simple enough but sometimes involve interacting with people. I can type up emails and letters and send them out but I can't stand the thought of actually meeting with people and pitching the company. I am culturally and socially inept. If I ever come up with a great idea, I'll freeze up when it comes time to present it to others and convince them of my merit. I am the worst at persuasion and small talk.
         I like LE. He lets me just sit there stupidly in silence while he talks for hours on end. I just like sitting in his presence, but I fear that he is going to tire of me if he hasn't already. I never have anything insightful or interesting to share. All I do is say stupid awkward stuff that amuses him, but never anything of substance. He'll tell me about history and ethics and involved strategies and music while I just nod and stare. It's not that I wish he would talk less. I appreciate that he talks so much, because if he didn't our hang-out times would be silent and boring. I just wish that I had the ability to share half as much novel and interesting information as he does.
        Sometimes I watch him talk to other people, DC in particular, and I just sit there dumbfounded. Maybe I am feeling left out, but I just want to be DC in that regard. She knows all the things ever and can talk about anything. She can actually uphold her end of a conversation with LE. He needs someone like her. I wish so much that I could measure up to LE and all his smarts. It is atrocious that people walk around thinking that I'm smart when really I'm just so stupid, especially compared to people like LE who will rarely be recognized for who they are. I'm so not good enough for him. I want more than anything to be as perfect for him as he is for me. I want to not want to smoke weed because LE doesn't like that. I want to not kiss other people. I want to be smarter and skinnier and funnier and nicer and also less pessimistic about myself.
-T.

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

        I think I cheated on LE. I hooked up with CM. I can't say that it was an accident at all, even though I was tipsy. Maybe I needed to experiment a little, but the fact of the matter was that for a few moments my thoughts were focused on another person and wanting her sexually. I hate myself a little, but it needed to happen and I don't regret it. It won't happen again and if for some reason it does then I'll probably just kill myself. LE just said that I shouldn't do it again, but I'm not sure whether or not it actually hurt him or upset him and he wouldn't tell me.
         I almost a little bit wish that I had had a little time to experiment and hook up with randos, especially girls, just for the experience before starting another rather serious relationship. But now I'm with LE and that's going to be the case I hope for a very very long time and I wouldn't do anything to change that. Except I wonder if this is another manifestation of me trying to ruin a good thing for myself. Sometimes I can feel myself being really irritating and doing stupid things just to try to get a rise out of him. I don't think I've ever seen him genuinely angry and that's so weird. I'm so afraid of myself and what I might do just to make things chaotic just because chaos is normal and comforting to me. He really should be with someone who isn't actively trying to mess up his life.
         If I think really hard I know that he's not actually angry with me but I'm just going to pretend like he is and feel like it because I like the torture I guess.
rnt i dumm
-T.

funny parents

        I guess it recently occurred to my parents that I might want to have sex. I just got an extended anti-sex talk from them. It started with, "you're still a virgin, right?" and me laughing while nodding. Apart from demonizing sex, they also marginalized my relationship with LE, and assumed my rashness and immaturity. My mom made it seem like having sex with one person means you plan on basically marrying them and are going to be committed in some way to that person for life. She also assumed that I wasn't the type of girl who would just go around and have casual hookups. In all honesty, if LE weren't in the picture, I would plan on having a lot of random sex just because. He is perfect for me and I don't want sex from anyone else, and it's more convenient to just fuck him whenever I want anyway. Alas, we are young and so obviously we are not in love with each other so of course I wouldn't fuck him. So many things wrong with the previous sentence. They also think that I'd regret whatever sexual decisions I make. If I've learned anything from just residing in this body, it's that in the long run I don't regret anything I do. Of course, I am not sure how much of my views stem from resolving cognitive dissonance from doing immoral things, but nonetheless any actions I take have been thought about and are unregrettable simply by the fact of me doing them.
        Once again it is appalling and whimsical how little my parents know about me. My dad knows that LE's birthday is coming up and he is REALLY WORRIED about it and is on the verge of making my sister stay home from school that day. As if we hadn't already had sex in this house. As if they can keep me from doing whatever I want. Actually I think they know that they have little to no control over me when I am not in their direct presence. It frightens them, especially my dad, but if that's the case then wouldn't it make more sense for them to at least pretend to trust me so that I feel some moral obligations to them? That won't make sense probably, but it doesn't matter because I'm having sex whenever and however and with whomever I want. This summer is going to be awesome. They are just so unbelievably laughably ignorant of me and all that I stand for.
-T.

camping

        LE is out in Minnesota with his cute family camping and doing whatever. They are just so cute I can't believe they all exist. Non-poisonous family structures perplex me, even if it's just his Dad's side of the family. Above all, I miss him a lot. I made him take my iPod with him because he'll be driving seven hours alone both ways and I don't want him to be so bored, and also because I don't want to enjoy myself when he's gone. I am not allowed to feel happiness without him because I feel it so much when I'm with him.
        I don't know what I ever did that warrants life giving him to me. One day I am certain that he'll realize what a nut I am and see how much better he can do. He is the kindest, smartest, most understanding, overall greatest person ever and I honestly don't understand why he chose me. He could be in a great relationship with a lot of people. Anyone would be lucky to have him. So many people don't find this sort of a match for decades, if ever. I'm so young and I already know that if I only stay with him then I can be happy. I feel like I call or text him constantly, and I don't like it. But I almost need to because otherwise I am paralyzed by the terrible thought that he's just a figment of my imagination. It's highly likely, because something so perfect is simply not supposed happen in this ridiculous world.
        I was never supposed to be successful when it comes to dating. Look at my family. Psychology says that I'm going to end up with a spiteful controlling person and I'm going to hate my life forever. I'm going to hate myself later for saying this, but I've found success beyond my wildest dreams and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep it this way. He's physically far away from me now, but the thought of him existing and thinking of me gives me so much energy and will to live. When the world is crazy and entropic his simple presence anywhere at all makes everything okay. He's the Howard Roark to me if I'm Dominique Francon. (Haha, me as Dominique... wishful thinking much?) We complete each other in every way. Even sexually we're just so incredibly compatible and sex is only going to get better and better as we get more comfortable pushing boundaries together.
        I'm just so worried that life won't allow me to have such prolonged happiness. The more resolute I become that I won't let myself ruin things, the more I'm sure that he's going to be taken away in a freak accident. I'm a literal nut.
-T.

irrational

I can't stand living here it's like poison. But I'm so scared that I'm wrong about everything and they're right. I wish so much that I were emotionally unaffectable. I wish that I were like NS, who never questions authority and follows the rules. I want societal constructs to comprise my moral compass. I would give up so much to have a simple happy life.

Lately so much bad stuff has been happening at home and it's so blurry and stupid that I don't even want to talk about exactly what has been transpiring. I've been happy for too long. I should have known I would find a way to ruin everything again. All I know is that I want to be out of here and literally the only person who can calm me down even when I am being evasive and awful is LE. Literally why does he put up with me.

Oops so many emotions right now. I'm such a stupid irrational female no matter how intellectual I think I am I will always be held back by the irrationality attached to my second X-chromosome. I'm just a stereotype of everything I hate and I hate myself.

-T.

INFJ

I've been thinking about my Myers-Briggs type a lot lately, especially since I found that two of the people that I love the most and have the best conversations with are INFJ as well. I think that's remarkable, considering it is the most rare type and consists of about 1-3% of the population. YI and VK are so cool and funny and intellectual and great and I'm really glad to be categorized with them. I have to ask SC what her type is, because I have a suspicion that she could be as well. She's someone who I can not talk to for months or probably even years, and still get along with and feel close to.

Read all about me here.

I don't think that I have an especially strong intuition the point of being psychic, but here are some things that really stand out to me:

• "INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life."
• "Growing out of their distrust of first-blush appearances, INFJs are reluctant to trust majority opinion. They are often the last to read a bestseller, feeling that if everyone else (i.e., the majority of whom are prone to being fooled by appearances) thinks it is good, it probably is not worth their time. Like INTs, however, INFJs can be suckers for a good conspiracy theory, appealing to their sense that “most things are not what they seem.”"
• "They rival and resemble INTs in their level of openness and hunger for new ideas and perspectives. In some regards, they may actually eclipse INTs with regard to intellectual openness, readily appreciating both science and literature, fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose."
• "The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring." --LE is ENFP and this is so true. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this is exactly what makes us so compatible. He brings out a lot of the things that I am inclined keep in my head.
• There is also a reference to INFJs loving shoes. This is so strange and perfect.
• "Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. They may, for instance, get depressed when they feel their creative inspiration has left them. Or, because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood. Depression may also stem from feeling dissatisfied in their careers or relationships. They may dream of having a beautiful home adorned with beautiful things, but feel stuck in a low-paying job that they are reluctant to quit because of a poor economy."
• "Perhaps more than anything, INFJs love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation. Because of their verbosity and enjoyment of others’ company, they can easily be mistaken for Extraverts."
• "They often feel more like recipients than they do creators of their ingenious ideas"
• "Fe plays a role in perceiving and empathizing with others’ emotions. It helps INFJs intuitively recreate another’s emotion state within themselves. This allows them to know from within what another person is experiencing. This ability to profoundly empathize with others allows INFJs to understand and counsel people more effectively than any other type."
• "In many cases, INFJs do not know fully understand what their Ni is telling them until they are given the opportunity to verbalize it. They may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition remains somewhat nebulous until it is expressed via their Fe."
• "They can also seem quite intense in their communication since their words are infused with the emotion of their Fe. Consequently, their expressions may seem exaggerated, dramatic, or irrational, especially to Thinking types. INFJs can also be susceptible to self-pity and self-loathing, seeing themselves as victims. They may curse the fact that life isn’t fair, feeling that they always end up with the short end of the stick."
• "INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJs can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life."
• "Those who are especially precocious may be disposed to questioning the veracity of what the teacher or other students are saying. They may also feel compelled to criticize what they see as ineffective methods of instruction or discipline. At the same time, however, INFJs want to please the teacher and to maintain external harmony. This again leaves them feeling torn between allegiance to their Ni penchant for truth versus their Fe people-pleasing."
•  "With time, INFJs settle into a healthy balance between their Ni and Ti, intuitively knowing how to apply their Ti without spoiling the delicious insights proffered by their Intuition."
• "INFJs commonly find that the world can seem indifferent and recalcitrant toward their idealistic visions. The disparity between their inner ideal (Ni) and the challenges of its outward implementation can be deeply disappointing and disheartening for INFJs. Because of the strength of their idealism, many INFJs struggle to feel satisfied with anything less than a perfect replica of their initial vision. What others view as a success, an INFJ may consider an abject failure."
•  "INFJs know they have been entrusted with much, so they expect much more from themselves than they do from others."
• "Despite their love for the material treasures and pleasures the world has to offer, INFJs have a commensurate need to discount or downplay the importance of “things” in their lives. After all, INFJs tell themselves that they are supposed to be concerned with the metaphysical (Ni) rather than the physical (Se). They are quick to criticize Sensing types for their materialism while surreptitiously envying them for having it." - this is extremely relevant to recent thoughts.
•  "INFJs’ need to see themselves as unique and unconventional also plays into this struggle. Some may balk at the idea of marriage and children, for instance, seeing this as the path for less reflective S types. At the same time, INFJs envy S types who seem happy and generally content with their lot in life."
• "In their weaker moments, INFJs can get caught up in the grip of their Se. Like INTJs, even the most responsible INFJs may suddenly throw caution to the wind and turn to thrill seeking. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, extravagant vacations, or shopping binges to indulge their Se."
•  "When it comes to people and humanitarian issues, INFJs typically feel they have answers, or at least have the capacity to generate one. INFJs feel that in order to solve the myriad humanitarian crises facing the world, we must first gain a better foothold on the fundamentals of human nature and human behavior. We need to better understand ourselves—our motives, behaviors, and personality...They also enjoy receiving new insights into people as they going about helping them. INFJs are least content when they become too caught up in themselves and their own personal grievances."
• "When engrossed in creative flow, they experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance, an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy...When engrossed in a creative stint, they may write for hours, occasionally even days, without rest. They may feel that, should they stop, they will lose out on the wealth of insights that are effortlessly flowing through them."

Oopsie I am so very sorry if you felt the need to read all of that, but it was a very long article and I really felt like nothing has pinned me so well. The fact that it's an extremely rare type makes me stupidly glad. Everyone should tell me their types so that I can read about them and get to know them better. I'm reading about ENFP now bye.
-T.

Update: SC is INFP. Close enough! 

Lookism.

        It's a topic that has been on my mind increasingly. It's impossible to avoid because everyone is a lookist, including myself. I don't like that about myself. What would I think of people if I were blind? I couldn't judge people based on their looks, but I would still hear about the concept of beauty and wonder if I was beautiful. Then maybe I would judge people by their voices, and that would be almost the same thing. It's awful but everyone will always be lookist, because appearances are sensory information that the brain processes, and everything that the brain processes gets a judgment.
        The other day my parents were tuning in to their favorite Chinese TV dating show, and there was a special episode in which all the participants were handicapped. My parents couldn't watch it, saying that it was disgusting, handicapped people shouldn't expect to be able to find love, and why would they ever put that on TV. It disappoints me greatly that they think this way, and it worries me a lot that my sister has to listen to this kind of stuff. She doesn't have her own mindset yet, and all of these awful remarks will undoubtedly affect her.
        I grew up obsessed with my appearance, and not really being able to stand it. In hindsight, it was abnormal and unhealthy how much I worried about how I looked. I still think about my looks a lot, though certainly not as much. I want to erase my judgments, but I can't. Even while I'm painting, I wonder to myself, why do I like these colors better, why am I trying to make it all beautiful? When I see beautiful women on Tumblr, I can't help but to marvel at them. Their hips and breasts and collarbones and lips and lashes entrance me. I only reblog the most beautiful of the beautiful, and why? Why do I love shoes? I love art and I have a profound appreciation for beauty, and while I relish in all of the beautiful things it also disturbs me and I don't know how to avoid it.
       I try my best not to comment on people's appearances, even compliments, because any reaction at all to one's looks reinforces their importance. When my friends talk about how gorgeous someone is, I just stay quiet and nod uncomfortably, because I'd rather talk about that person's personality. That's not to say that I haven't noticed how pretty that person is, but I try not to give it too much weight. When DC tells me about how much she hates her looks I don't know what to say. I give her the appropriate positive feedback and tell her how pretty I think she is, because she is, but I wish I didn't have to at all. I wish it wasn't important to her and I know that whatever I say won't change her self-image anyway. When LE looks at me naked and I look at him and we both marvel at how perfect the other is, it feels awesome. But why? Visual stimulus is incredibly pertinent to sexual arousal, it's built into our evolutionary code, and I love being able to enjoy it. At the same time it still bothers me. It especially makes me squeamish when people talk about how beautiful JD is. She is beautiful, there is no denying that, but it's not glamorous because I know how she got there. All of her starving and the isolation and the deception amounted to these petty compliments.
       The only way I can come to terms and be okay with my own lookism is if I am conscious of it. I'll allow myself to appreciate beauty, but I also need to make sure that I am not making any judgments on a person's worth based upon his or her looks. I have to appreciate beauty for what it is, and nothing more.
-T.

Big 5 personality test

I'm on my once a year personality test rampage. I took my favorite one again, the Big 5 Personality test.
I think this one is the best categorization of traits, and I like that it has a scale rather than definitively putting you into one or the other. Like in the Myers-Briggs test if you answer one extra question more introvertedly you're automatically completely an introvert, and I don't think that's entirely accurate. I just took it today and got INFJ, though I've been ISTP and INTJ in the past. The description of INFJ seems to fit me well though. LE is an ENFP.

As for the Big 5, you can score yourself against the personality of another person in your life, so LE and I did it for each other as well.
Click here for mine.
Click here for his. 

We mostly got pretty similar results for ourselves and each other, except for the conscientiousness. He thinks he's a slacker possibly because of his past, but I think that when he really focuses and puts his mind to something, he follows through really well. When we hang out he is extremely punctual, which is refreshing and is just one way he shows how conscientious he can be.
Personality tests are just good fun. They don't tell you much about yourself so much as make you more aware of certain things, but also if they are incorrect about you you can think about why you think you are different from the description. It's also kind of awesome win they seem to pin you down just right.

-T.

platonic friendship fail :]

        It happened just as I thought it would. Except I wasn't sure that it would happen. I'm never sure until it hits me in the face, maybe because it's terribly silly to be wrong on these kinds of things. On Tuesday LE and I went to Oberweis, then to his house. We chatted for a while and then watched some TV. There's something about the space and the air that shifts when both people know they want to kiss each other. Everything becomes amplified and suddenly your mouth is sticky and you can't quite breathe gracefully enough and you can't control your eyebrows. It's the most peculiar feeling. I still didn't think anything was going to happen though. I sure as heck wasn't going to make the first move. The credits for the Simpson's episode we were watching came on when he asked sheepishly, "soo.. would you ever consider doing stuff as more than friends?" Once my response seemed positive enough to that, he continued with, "so if I kissed you right now would that be okay?" I said yes and then we made out for the next hour or more and I was almost late to badminton tryouts again.
         LE and I recently started hanging out recently in a purely Platonic fashion. If we liked each other then, we didn't know it. He's just always been someone I can talk to easily, and I think I was that for him too. We just started liking each other randomly at the same time, even if I wouldn't admit it, not even to myself. He told me that sometimes it's okay to just go with the flow, and that he likes me a lot. I wouldn't have been happy constantly forcing myself to not like him, and I just feel so happy and relaxed with him. There needn't be any barriers. While he was driving me to school for badminton afterwords, he told me a few secrets. I knew more secrets than most people did anyway, but I still feel like he has a lot. They might not be secrets, but just things about his life that he isn't entirely open about or that just don't come up. I'm excited to get to know him even better. I can't wait until we are completely comfortable with each other. The first session was great, gosh it was wonderful, and once that initial unease wears off everything will be even more perfect. I won't let it become a purely physical relationship though. Neither will LE. We are too mentally connected for it to become only physical. The sexual component is only a happy supplement to the great companionship and whatever that we already had. Us being like this is still surreal. I guess maybe we just need to do it a few more times before it finally sinks in.
-T.

feets.

        Last night I was talking to LE, as per usual, and some interesting topics came up. He was super embarrassed about it, but admitted to me that part of the reason he like Quentin Tarantino movies so much is that he has a minor foot fetish. It's odd, but also insanely endearing. It's nothing creepy or anything, but just a point of interest for him. Because of this, he is also kind of into shoes, and we have the same taste in shoes.
        Why is he perfect? We like all the same things and we love to learn and we could talk for days on end and never run out of things to say and now he likes shoes and things that boys aren't supposed to like. He even sees lipstick as a means of expression and likes random colored lipstick. Boys don't like lipstick!! I wonder if he feels as comfortable with me as I do with him, and I think he does. He says that he really appreciates that I listen to his rants and can actually converse with him. What's not to love about his rants though? He is so passionate about so many things, and those things are important to him and he doesn't let society get in the way. He did awfully during high school, but he doesn't regret the grades. He regrets only that he didn't get to take all the amazing and interesting classes available, like AP Chemistry. LE is just so great sometimes I just want to scream and kiss him but oops only in a friendly way of course.
        His only flaw, which is his awful high school record, is actually something I appreciate a lot. Other than my geometry class, it's the only real look I get into that other side of the school stratosphere. There are a lot of things wrong with our education system, and I don't know what the solutions should be. I want everyone to love school and love learning but it really might just be something you have to find for yourself. Students in lower level classes are treated like criminals and imbeciles, and I hate that. In higher level courses we can joke around with teachers and be pretty much equal, the teachers take us seriously, and we aren't sent to the dean's office for sassiness. Our preconceptions of people really change how we act, and change the people as well. I love talking to LE, about this, about everything. I don't shroud away any parts of myself, at least not consciously, and he tells me things that he tells no one. We talk about each other, we talk about the world.
        I need to keep myself from liking him though. I'm not allowed to like him. I'd ruin everything. I'm not mature enough for him and I know I'd mess up and he'd never be my friend again. He's so much that I've dreamed of, so much that other boys lack, and now that I'm single I can see it right in front of me. But I can't. I'd just ruin everything and I can't let myself do that. I think that he might like me a little bit too, or just get the beginning feelings of it. I need to not hang out with him as often. I want this to be one of those things where we go to different colleges and see other people and grow into the best selves we can be, and then when we're both in our late twenties we'll meet up for coffee one day and then realize that we had been perfect for each other all along. Oh my god I'm embarrassing. I can't date him now because I can't lose him. I'm scared and I wish I wouldn't get attached, but I also know in my heart that, at least at this point in my life, he is my perfect counterpart. Having LE in my life forever would make sure that I am a lifelong learner, and that I never forget about what's important.
-T.

moved.

        The blog has been moved. Someone who was close to me was hurt and took things I said personally, and I am deeply sorry. I wasn't complaining about her, but the institution of friendship. She doesn't understand, but that's okay. It was wrong of me to believe that I could keep posting whatever I wanted without worrying people or offending them. I try my best to be both honest and respectful, but those two things are at times mutually exclusive. Too many people in my life knew about this blog, and I just couldn't be totally honest anymore. Friendships make everything complicated, and this is a perfect example. While it was my own doing and ironically my fear of friendship caused an actual rift, it's one more example of why I can't get terribly close to people. I've told everyone that this blog was deleted, so hopefully they won't go looking for it. I've given this new link to one person, and maybe I'll give it to one more. It's likely that I'll get careless again and consequences will come again,  but this will do for now.
        I know I need to get over myself and get over my irrational avoidance of friendships, but that will take time, and this conflict that in my mind shouldn't even be an issue has arisen and doesn't help. Frankly it seems silly to me. It's not that I don't like girls and that's why I've turned to LE. No, I don't think it's that because I do feel the panic a bit with LE. The difference is that everything I know about LE leads me to believe that a connection to him would be largely drama-free, and that's what I need. He's so relaxed and I feel so at ease. Any anxiety around him is quelled for the most part. I'm still afraid to get too close though. I don't want to be "liking" him, because I know I'd ruin everything and I never want to lose him. My life's complications are both laughable and my own doing.
        Why don't I just journal in a real notebook like a rational person would? It's silly but I have to pretend like someone is reading and waiting on my thoughts, even if it's make-believe random internet people, otherwise I won't have the impetus to write for myself. I've tried in the past, and this blog has been the only thing of this nature that I have stuck with. This blog has been good for me. I've grown as a writer and a thinker, and have even been able to occasionally capture my thoughts with writing. I think I'd choose this blog over my friends, maybe because it's the closest any object or entity has come to fully representing me. And I like me.

-T.

stake & sheak

        It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
        Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
        While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
        After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.

-T.

2/15/12

I'm too stupid to even think of a title for this post so it's just the date.
I'm insensitive, more insensitive than D, and I say mean things without thinking about any of it and then regret it so much later.
I'm trying to accept the fact that I am simply too dim to ever comprehend DC.
I need to cut my hair sometime soon it has zero style as of now but I'm too lazy.
I don't run anymore because I spend too much time crying for no reason or otherwise wasting life.
I've taken to popping random pills I find around the house several times a day just for the placebo affect.
I annoy everyone in all my classes.
My favorite student in my geometry class is mad at me and refuses to ask me questions even though I know he has them and stopped caring and so he is going to fall behind. I shouldn't have favorites anyway I'm the worst TA.
I mooch off of all my friends and can't pay them back.
I never start my homework until 8PM and then I complain about lack of sleep.
I'm the fattest and the ugliest in the physics clique.
I'm the worst in the world at linear algebra and I've stopped trying to understand what's going on in class.
I force everyone around me to put up with my stupid sad face even though they actually can't do anything about it. Somehow the only person who knows how to actually cheer me up is LE.
I can't help anyone in return for everything they've helped me with.
I cry for literally zero reasons so often and my asinine emotions are a real problem.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm the most pathetic person on the planet?
People should stop comforting and talking to me because it is only going to encourage my pathetic behavior. 

-T.

valentine's day

        I was really expecting today to be kind of bad, but I also realized that it couldn't have gotten much worse than yesterday, so I remained hopeful. In the morning I tried out a pretty new makeup item that I have been coveting, and so that was nice. I wore a purple velvet shirt and my favorite shoes (extremely expensive ones that D bought, let's not forget how doting he was on me.) Before school I was tutoring and a girl that I tutor came in and gave me a Valentine as a thank you for helping her so often. That was so sweet. In physics we got our tests back, and I got a good grade so I was happy about that. We didn't do much during class so we just got to mingle again. In geometry the teacher came back and she said that she forgot to specify which parts of the chapter I was supposed to fill them in on, so the class was actually ahead rather than dreadfully lost and behind as I had feared. Then I went to English, and we finally had a real discussion that wasn't, "analyze this poem." It was engaging and reminded me of why I picked to be in the English class for yet another semester. I could tell that my teacher was glad I was talking again. The only bad part was that DC was very obviously not talking on purpose because she didn't want me to feel intimidated. At the very end of class she finally spoke up, and it was a very developed and advanced idea and everyone was kind of quiet because it was so deep and nobody had even thought that far at all. She worried for the rest of the day that everyone hated her and she spoke stupidly when in actuality she was fine and her contribution was genius. Spanish was easy and then tutoring again seventh hour was fine and I got to finish all my homework. I'm glad I saw no sign of singing valentines, as I was hidden away in the tutoring center. Finally, in Econ I gave a short casual presentation. I was really incoherent but it doesn't matter so that was fine. In the middle of the period I got a note from my counselor wishing me a happy Valentine's Day, and that she loved my paintings (she was presumably working on typing up the fake recommendation I wrote myself for the Presidential Scholars Program.)
       By far the best part was when after school LE picked me up. I gave him a little Valentine that I had lying around (the kind that elementary schoolers give to their classmates) and a little tube of my prescription acne cream lol. I hung out at his house for a few hours. We have the best conversations and I learn so much and I laugh so much. He has a wall in his kitchen where people in his family and his friends have marked their heights and labeled them with the names of basketball players, and I was Jeremy Lin. We played with his guitars and his cat and did funny random stuff like look for a hat to put the cat in. We watched TV and the weather man was just HILARIOUS I just could not stop laughing. He showed me a lot of the video game notes that he took when he was a kid and usually hides away when girls come over, but I made him show me. He gets really into geeky things, but he also knows what's important and never takes himself too seriously. We went out for dinner and got seated in the middle of everyone. They must have thought we were drunk, we were laughing so much. We had the best conversations and talked about politics and the Ottoman Empire and the concept of the Uncanny Valley. It wasn't a real date, and it wasn't a pity date either as we had this Valentine's day outing planned for at least a week. It was seriously the best Valentine's day ever, even though it's my least favorite holiday. I'm so appreciative that it turned out this way because yesterday was awful I needed so much for today to be okay. I spent a lot of money on dinner (oops) but the fried pickles appetizer and the delicious burger and the hilarious time with LE was totally worth it. I don't make very many happy posts because I don't usually feel the need to "vent" about them but today was just so good. It was so good that I'm not showering before school tomorrow because I don't want to wash this day away, and I never skip showers. I am feeling a little guilty because it seems like D's day wasn't nearly as good as mine, but oh well. Hopefully his wasn't miserable.

-T.

dubious.

        I am seeing more and more how incompatible D and I really are. Actually, I knew it all along, but I am being reminded of it further. My friend asked me what I thought D liked about me. All I could think of was "ass" and "vagina." I grew curious, and so I talked to D about it and we each compiled lists of what we liked about the other:

what D likes about me

• ass
• vagina
• smartness - but not smart-ass-ness
• personality (selectively)

what i like about D

• height
• whiteness
• good at math/science
• money
• cute family
• pretty eyes
• funny some of the time

It looks like I was spot on with the first two, and it's kind of funny but not really. I made up the excuse that once you get to know someone really well, it's hard to quantify them in traits. I have no idea if that's true or not, and I am just making up excuses really. I wonder what our relationship is founded on, but I'm afraid to know. The traits that I like the most about myself: work ethic, empathy, love of art, critical thinking; he despises them all. I can't recall a single intelligent conversation we have had where we talk about deeper things in which he hasn't just tried to make me be quiet because he doesn't want to think about it. How can this be, when introspection and curiosity are what I live for? His arrogance, his close-mindedness, his lack of work ethic all drive me nuts. What makes it all worse is that when we have problems he refuses to talk about it and he just shuts me out. This is supposed to demonstrate his power and drive me crazy, and it does. But it doesn't help anything. It only teaches me to avoid making him mad by way of deceit and keeping things from him. When I don't agree with him, I try to not even bring it up because I know that it will make everything worse. Conflicts in relationships are supposed to help people understand each other, not always drive them apart. It's not that we have had problems very recently, but that's because I keep things from him so that we won't have problems. That's not to say that there aren't some unquantifiable things that I love about him. I do enjoy his company and he really did charm the pants right off of me. 

        I just recall the great infatuation we had for each other and it was the most thrilling few weeks of my life. Of course, it didn't last. How could it? I think I still feel a part of myself yearning for it, and holding out hope that it will come again even though I know it won't. Why are we together still? Is it merely because we are comfortable with each other, and because it is just convenient? He does get to come home from college and have someone always fuckable there waiting for him. I get the comfort of knowing that someone is obligated to be close to me. I sometimes wonder what's keeping him from just cheating on me at college. Especially next semester, when he is at U of I with his friends, there will be so much temptation. I told him that if he ever gets the urge to cheat on me to just call me up and break up with me first. I know he's not cheating on me, just because he is too prideful for it if anything. I think that I must be saving him from a plethora of STIs because he would have no sexual restraint without a girlfriend meekly waiting at home for him. Why does he even like me? I am a nice warm vagina that he can consistently rely on. Even if I'm more than that, how can I ever know? I was speaking to LE and it turns out LE is a pretty big horndog as well, and has definitely used girls for their bodies. He is more restrained, but it's so frustrating to see that men truly are all the same, even ones I look up to the most. They are so driven by sex, and I can't even keep boys from focusing on that aspect of me because I am such a slut. I just sort of let them do what the want with me. Where is that balance of having a sexually fulfilling relationship that still allows for mental connection?
       I know that I care for D more deeply than I do for any other person in this whole world. I want us to be happy, and I want us to be able to like each other for who we are, without needing to hide ourselves. I don't know if that is possible, just because we are so different. We value totally different things. I keep thinking that if I suck it up and stick it out things will change. I will find a way to fix myself, I will find a way to fix him. I'm not sure if that can happen.
This has been a nonsensical and terribly unorganized post, a reflection of my confliction. 

-T.

P.S. RIP Grandpa. 

i lost a friend.

        I guess this really isn't anything new. It's not new in the sense that he's been lost for quite a while, and it's not new in the sense that people lose friends all the time. I am still in the process of accepting my latest loss. Near the end of my relationship with D, I asked ZJ if he would still be my friend if we broke up. His response: "Yes. You know, if I didn't want to be friends with you I could have done that a long time ago." At a point when I needed to hear them most, these were some of the most comforting words of my life.
        There is no good reason that we are not friends anymore, other than that I screwed up and pushed him away. While I did that, I guess I never really believed that I would need him again, or maybe I never really believed that he would actually leave me for good. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. What's lost is lost. He won't speak to me. In person if I approach him he will acknowledge me, but he has told people that I seem to give him this big fake smile whenever I see him. I try to chat him up on skype, but he just ignores me. I don't know what's happening anymore. I cannot even speak to him about this. EG's existence doesn't help at all either. Our schism is simply stuck, and I suppose I did it to myself. I have no choice in the matter now.
        Losing a friend is kind of like a breakup, but I really do think it is worse. Maybe you weren't so deeply and emotionally intertwined with a friend, but it is still a heartbreak all the same. It's worse because friends are not supposed to leave you. Boyfriends come and go. They are supposed to, especially at my age. I knew in the back of my mind all along that D would leave me and that he would cut me ever so deeply. That's just how the vast majority of relationships end up. On the contrary, friendship is supposed to last past all of these hot romantic relationships. Friendship goes deeper. There is no need to say sweet nothings to your friends because they know them already and you aren't really afraid to lose them. A great friendship should be stable and comforting.
        ZJ was more than just a friend to me. He was the brother I never had. I really looked up to him. His grades weren't that great and he wasn't that good looking, but he knew what was important in life. He knew the right things to say and everyone loved him. He always got his point across, and his messages were concise and insightful. While my mind frantically tried to find comfort in a state of perpetual confusion, he was a voice of reason. Later his role came to be fulfilled even better by LE, but that didn't make me value ZJ less. As of last year, and even the beginning of this school year, ZJ was the only person from high school who I just knew I would keep in contact with. We were supposed to invite each other to dinner parties and have our kids over for play dates and have every Christmas and Thanksgiving together and laugh about all the silly things we did when we were teenagers. I couldn't, and I still can't, say that about anyone else. I looked up to him, my big brother who I was afraid of sometimes, who I would be annoying to much of the time. Now he won't look at me at all.
-T.

congrats, grad.

        Unrelated to the topic of this post, but this morning I took the SAT Math 2 subject test. If I don't 800 this one I don't think I will be able to excuse myself. I got a 780 on the chemistry, which is pretty bad. I can't decide whether or not I should take it again but I really don't want to. I don't think I will, just because I'm kind of thinking that today's test was the very last standardized test of high school for me. Well, with the exception of my six AP exams next year, but I'm not sure if those count.
        Yesterday, I watched the seniors graduate. It was a wonderful ceremony and since I was with the choir I got great courtside seats and got to hug every one of my favorites as he or she made the way to the stage. Best of all was when D walked past and I yelled, "HI D!" and he just shrugged me off and barely acknowledged me. Everyone else was very warm and enthusiastic though. It's hard not to take his apathy towards me personally, especially when I see him so warm towards other girls. I'm not looking for anything other than an acknowledgment of our friendship and connection. I'm sure people around me were thinking I was a weird person saying hi to someone I clearly didn't know or something. It really bummed me out more than it should have.
         I went to this kind of awkward grad party of this girl I don't really know. I only went because her brother invited me, but that was awkward too because I haven't seen her brother since we went to prom my sophomore year . . . I left early hoping to be able to make it to LE's party, but didn't, but whatever. The most unfortunate part was that I didn't get to snag any free beer at the first party or anything.
        DC spent the whole party with me, and she is cool. She brought up the fact that even though we are pretty close and have fun together, we probably are not going to hang out. She's right. It's like when people say "yeah gurl, let's totally hang out this summer!" but you both know you never will. It's just hard to admit, especially with someone as cool as her. I really do want to hang out with her, but she is so right. She's not a planner, and I'm indecisive as hell. People around me graduating is really making me realize how close to so many endings I am. If I don't hang out with these people or get to know these people, I never will. If I don't have classes with these people my senior year, I never will. Before it was always a possibility of, "no classes together this year? next year then!" No more. No more excuses and chances. I'm still too suckishly indecisive to do anything about it though.
       I'm just feeling sort of lame and lonely. I called D just to chat because for some reason I still do that when I am bored, but he was at a party so couldn't really talk. I don't really have anyone that I can just call and chat with for no particular reason, other than JD maybe, but I feel like a nuisance. I know she probably doesn't find me a nuisance, but still. As for D, I feel like he almost deserves me being a nuisance for him, so that's why I still call him if I'm bored out of my wits. It's kind of strange how lonely and silly one can feel for really no good reason at all.
Too much finality, too little focus.
-T.


UPDATE: (after graduations pictures went on facebook)
BD: So read your card a few days ago... thank you, it was very nice :) ... whydidntigetapicturewithyouatgraduation???
oh so NOW you are sorry for blatantly ignoring me at graduation!!! sadlfkjasdlfk

byeeee :[

        I wrote my favorite seniors some lengthy letters, since tomorrow is their last day of school. I just want to let them know that they will be missed and that they really impacted my life. I am so proud of all of them and I care about them so much. This afternoon I was writing them and I just ended up bawling while listening to some quality crying songs.
        It's so strange to see that the potentiality of losing a friendship, just because of someone moving onto a new stage of life or going far away or whatever reason, really makes me realize the value of that friendship. Before, I really thought that there were only a handful of people I really appreciated fully. Yet, I must have written ten letters or so! After one person read his, he came up to me and told me it was so sweet and so nice of me and gave me a hug. I almost started to cry right then and there. They're not even leaving yet, imagine how it will be tomorrow. I must arm myself with the waterproof mascara!
       This reminds me yet again that life moves so quickly. There were so many people I needed to have more time with. There was so much unfinished business. There were also so many seniors that I meant to talk to and get to know but I never took the chance too. I guess that's what those letter were for. I couldn't leave anything unsaid. I couldn't have them leave without them knowing what they mean to me, and to make sure they keep in touch with me. Everything we've been through together has really shaped me as a person. 
         Once again, words are not enough to describe my mixed feelings of gratitude, regret, appreciation, nostalgia, joy, attachment, and so much more. So many people have touched my life, there is no way for me to show enough how I appreciate that. 
THANK YOU: LE, SC, D, KA, TT, ZJ, SJ, AJ, XK, RA, ZV, WA, & countless others!!
-T.