camping

        LE is out in Minnesota with his cute family camping and doing whatever. They are just so cute I can't believe they all exist. Non-poisonous family structures perplex me, even if it's just his Dad's side of the family. Above all, I miss him a lot. I made him take my iPod with him because he'll be driving seven hours alone both ways and I don't want him to be so bored, and also because I don't want to enjoy myself when he's gone. I am not allowed to feel happiness without him because I feel it so much when I'm with him.
        I don't know what I ever did that warrants life giving him to me. One day I am certain that he'll realize what a nut I am and see how much better he can do. He is the kindest, smartest, most understanding, overall greatest person ever and I honestly don't understand why he chose me. He could be in a great relationship with a lot of people. Anyone would be lucky to have him. So many people don't find this sort of a match for decades, if ever. I'm so young and I already know that if I only stay with him then I can be happy. I feel like I call or text him constantly, and I don't like it. But I almost need to because otherwise I am paralyzed by the terrible thought that he's just a figment of my imagination. It's highly likely, because something so perfect is simply not supposed happen in this ridiculous world.
        I was never supposed to be successful when it comes to dating. Look at my family. Psychology says that I'm going to end up with a spiteful controlling person and I'm going to hate my life forever. I'm going to hate myself later for saying this, but I've found success beyond my wildest dreams and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep it this way. He's physically far away from me now, but the thought of him existing and thinking of me gives me so much energy and will to live. When the world is crazy and entropic his simple presence anywhere at all makes everything okay. He's the Howard Roark to me if I'm Dominique Francon. (Haha, me as Dominique... wishful thinking much?) We complete each other in every way. Even sexually we're just so incredibly compatible and sex is only going to get better and better as we get more comfortable pushing boundaries together.
        I'm just so worried that life won't allow me to have such prolonged happiness. The more resolute I become that I won't let myself ruin things, the more I'm sure that he's going to be taken away in a freak accident. I'm a literal nut.
-T.