money money money

       This summer I actually have a social life. It's weird and somewhat exhausting. Last summer I remember going to RS's house in early August, and having that be my first "hangout" instance of that summer. Granted, I was in Canada for two weeks and then in China for a month, but it's still quite different from this year. I might have dinner at home once or twice a week now. I don't dislike it but I'm just not very used to it.
        The main issue with it is that it drains so much money. I made a little bit of money SAT tutoring and got my own checking account, but then my dad was like noep you can't touch your own money!! It's so irritating to me because my parents don't let me drive, they don't give me money, give me the shittiest phone plan, yell at me if I'm awake at 1AM, are pissed when I sleep on the couch, hate it when I take naps ever, and don't let me hang out with LE for long periods of time. I am forced to lie to them about where I am and what I'm doing and I don't even really care but it just goes to show that their parenting is so ineffective. It also make LE's mom so uncomfortable when I lie on the phone to my parents, and I love her she does so much for me and I hate to do anything that makes her feel weird, but I just have to do it. I can't even get a real job and make my own money because of lack of transportation. They throw the biggest fits and give me multiple hour-long lectures about how wasteful I am when I ask for even $5, and so I just usually don't ask them. Instead I just flake out on plans because I don't have any money. It's hard to tell people the real reason why I flake because then they might feel obligated to pay for me. I can't even count the number of people I could have hung out with but just didn't and acted really stupid and evasively with when they tried to plan something, all because of money. They are probably left feeling like I don't really want to spend time with them but most of the time that isn't even true. A lot of the time my close friends will just cover me and I hate it. Not only do they have to pay for my shit sometimes they almost always need to drive me everywhere. It is like everyone that I am close with has to be penalized for the idiocy of my parents. 
        But maybe their parenting does work. Look how they've got me trained; I'd rather stay home and do nothing than do something fun that spends money. And if I ever actually need anything important, they'll pay for it in the blink of an eye. Most of my college applications cost like $80, more than a prom ticket, but they didn't want to pay for prom. I guess I have my priorities straight, but that's because I have to convince myself that I don't care about the things that I'm sacrificing, or else I'd probably go crazy. Sometimes I steal money from my parents' wallets. It is horrible and there's no getting around that, but I almost feel entitled to at least a little of their money. They don't give me anything, I'm forced to live under their authority, and I don't even enjoy their company. I'm an awful person; entitlement is I think the number one worst trait a person can have. I'm such a hypocrite, but what can I do when money seems to limit the very little joy and freedom that I get out of life?
Kill me.



i wrote this at 4am and it's not worth reading

sometimes i am the clingiest idiot i don't know i just feel so removed from everyone and everything in the world right now and i feel as if LE is made up in my head or as if he's left me even though he hasn't oh god he's going to realize what a dunce i am how he has so much more in common with his ex that's fine that's fine he has always been too good for me why is he still with me i give him nothing i am a receptacle for his talking that's all i am i contribute nothing i am brainless everyone on the planet is sleeping i feel 

why can't i stop my thoughts i want to stop breathing i can't breathe i need i need i don't need anything i'll be okay whatever happens he's going to be fine without me and i will be too maybe i'm not allowed to be this happy for this long this is not allowed does he even exist but if i doubt him then he really won't exist god fucking solipsist me 

why am i writing this i'm not upset everything is fine nothing's happening sometimes i am just so self-absorbed this doesn't make any sense at all nothing has happened

what am i doing i need to stop i'm only perpetuating something that never existed in the first place what am i perpetuating exactly 


our relationship is perfect too perfect here is exactly what i feel: i feel as if i am a stranger looking in on my life and our life our happy laughing kissing sleeping fucking life as if it is the past even though it is the present 

oh god even the feeling of it being the past is unbearable i need to be pulled back in time to right now

yes the possibility of this being the future and the present being the past is what has brought this about but how why

i am insane is what