i wrote this at 4am and it's not worth reading

sometimes i am the clingiest idiot i don't know i just feel so removed from everyone and everything in the world right now and i feel as if LE is made up in my head or as if he's left me even though he hasn't oh god he's going to realize what a dunce i am how he has so much more in common with his ex that's fine that's fine he has always been too good for me why is he still with me i give him nothing i am a receptacle for his talking that's all i am i contribute nothing i am brainless everyone on the planet is sleeping i feel 

why can't i stop my thoughts i want to stop breathing i can't breathe i need i need i don't need anything i'll be okay whatever happens he's going to be fine without me and i will be too maybe i'm not allowed to be this happy for this long this is not allowed does he even exist but if i doubt him then he really won't exist god fucking solipsist me 

why am i writing this i'm not upset everything is fine nothing's happening sometimes i am just so self-absorbed this doesn't make any sense at all nothing has happened

what am i doing i need to stop i'm only perpetuating something that never existed in the first place what am i perpetuating exactly 


our relationship is perfect too perfect here is exactly what i feel: i feel as if i am a stranger looking in on my life and our life our happy laughing kissing sleeping fucking life as if it is the past even though it is the present 

oh god even the feeling of it being the past is unbearable i need to be pulled back in time to right now

yes the possibility of this being the future and the present being the past is what has brought this about but how why

i am insane is what

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