irrational

I can't stand living here it's like poison. But I'm so scared that I'm wrong about everything and they're right. I wish so much that I were emotionally unaffectable. I wish that I were like NS, who never questions authority and follows the rules. I want societal constructs to comprise my moral compass. I would give up so much to have a simple happy life.

Lately so much bad stuff has been happening at home and it's so blurry and stupid that I don't even want to talk about exactly what has been transpiring. I've been happy for too long. I should have known I would find a way to ruin everything again. All I know is that I want to be out of here and literally the only person who can calm me down even when I am being evasive and awful is LE. Literally why does he put up with me.

Oops so many emotions right now. I'm such a stupid irrational female no matter how intellectual I think I am I will always be held back by the irrationality attached to my second X-chromosome. I'm just a stereotype of everything I hate and I hate myself.

-T.

motivations

We are all motivated by different underlying factors. Some of them are so strong that they define much of our personalities and actions.
Here's what I have off the top of my head.

• my father - pride
• my mother - appearing sane and popular
• my sister - feeling grown up
• JD - perfection
• XK - feeling smart and sensitive
• D - shielding himself from emotional pain, sex
• EG - being faylor swift
• NS - protecting everybody
• SC - beauty in every sense of the word. her sense, at least.

The rest I haven't quite figured out yet, including myself.
-T.

P.S. I'm not trying to simplify people! I could never capture a person in a few words, or a novel, or even a library.  Everyone is so complex and wonderful seriously I love it.

GTFO (!)

        I'm recalling a particular time when I was listening to my favorite radio talk show. Loveline is a radio show on which Dr. Drew Pinsky, my idol, answers listeners' difficult questions on relationships, sexuality, and mental health. You guys should all definitely check this show out if you can handle it. In the Chicago area it's on 101.1FM. It's on every Sunday through Thursday night - yes, school nights, it's probably that way on purpose - from 10PM to 12AM. It's a late show, but if you find that you have a bout of insomnia or a day off from school, it's definitely worth the listen.
        A teenage girl called, spilling forth a long, monotonous story about her troubles with her boyfriend. Dr. Drew interrupted her eventually, telling her that it was just over. He explained to her gently that when more mature people are in relationships, they learn to recognize when a relationship just won't work out. Because she was so young and inexperienced, she couldn't just let go of this faltering relationship. She couldn't recognize that it was already over.
        However, I don't think this applies to my situation with D. It used to, back when we were drifting apart in January-February. Now, there really is something that holds us together, and it isn't just our immaturity. I believe there is something to build at least a juvenile relationship on.
        I'm applying this Dr. Drew reference to friendships. I don't quite understand why NS still feels like she needs or wants to deal with EG. EG's fakery is coming out more than ever. I personally cannot stand her, and I'm glad she despises me too. However, even after EG said horrid things to NS and nobody can stand her anymore, NS still continues to be her friend. EG has ruined ZJ. Everyone can see it. I truly believe that EG needs to GTFO, but of course she won't. I don't understand how NS could continue to put up with her. If it were me, I would have rid myself of this failed and fruitless friendship long ago. I highly doubt that NS legitimately enjoys being around EG. EG is just a dumb robot. She has far exceeded her GTFO threshold. Seriously.
-T.

response to ANGER.

        I read NS's blog post from back in March about myself. It was about how I ended my friendships with her and everyone else because I felt they were fed up with me. It all started with a little facebook comment of mine that was a little rash. About ten or so people started attacking me for it, and I apologized, as I realized my sarcasm might not have come across the right way on facebook. I also said that nothing I would say would matter, as they would still hate me no matter what. NS described this as being childish and selfish of me. I really don't understand. I mean, I definitely understand why that comment could be considered childish. It was. However, I wasn't the one personally attacking anyone. Still, I can't defend myself, for fear of others misconstruing my comments as being selfish and making excuses for myself.
        In the midst of this I sent my "friends" a message essentially saying that it was okay if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I recognized that I'm a terrible person who damaged my friendships forever. I didn't want to drag on friendships that would be filled with remembrances of  the terrible things I had said. I told them from then on I'd deal with my problems myself. I didn't want to have "friendships" that would be tense. I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me places and talk to me if they didn't want to. I apologized for dumping all my shit on them and filling their lives with unnecessary negativity.
It was interpreted as attention-whoring and pity-seeking.
NS wrote nice things back to  me, saying she'd always be my friend and whatever. On the contrary, in her blog post she wrote that I'm like a child, and I need to grow up. I'm an extreme complainer (which I already knew) and I don't care about others because I'm so wrapped up in my own problems. Others have problems too, but they don't complain because they don't want to dump their shit on everyone else. 
        This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by sending that message. I should have kept everything to myself in the first place, which is what I said. I tried to remove pain for everyone by removing myself from their lives. Instead it became me trying to inject more angst into their lives. I still feel this way. I should change this post from past tense to present tense, because I know everyone is still sick of me. I don't understand why I expected others to listen. I am one of the most selfish people I know. 
-T.

shut up, bishh

Dear EG:

        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.

        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.

        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.

        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.

        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.

-T.

ambiguity.

        Last night I went to a party of family friends at ZJ's house. He wasn't there. That was okay. I just wanted to wallow by myself anyway. Later he came though. He brought with him EG, D, and SJ. They just returned from a tour at U of I. I had not mentally prepared myself! And I was wearing my lazy weekend clothes and did minimal blah makeup!! ahhh. Still, it was nice to see them. Though I know that they did not go there to see me. SJ asked me, "are you going to NS's party tomorrow?" I replied, "uhh, guess not, seeing as I heard about it until now." Awk. I guess NS finds me bothersome now too.

       Anyway, SJ got into U of I early decision. EG got in the same way, and with a large scholarship. Yay her. D and ZJ just got wait-listed. Sucks, seeing as how D has not applied to anywhere else because he's a lazy bum even though he's smarter and better than that. I hope he gets in though. Well, maybe I want him to get away from EG.I know, I'm terrible. Either way, it shouldn't matter to me, should it? I often wonder if I'm ever going to see any of them again once they go off to college...

        Back to last night. It was only a little awkward. At first I kept worrying about not being too forward or ambiguous with my words and actions towards D. He was encouraging and carefree. He hugged me once. I nearly cried. I wonder if he noticed the pimple thing by my mouth. He rubbed and tugged at the back of my bra once. We had a few tickle fights. He fell asleep. I covered him with a blanket. In a momentary haze of half-sleep, he held my hand. He touched my lips. He fell asleep again. I kissed the top of his head. My fingers grazed his hair and feathered the nape of his neck. He shrank away. 

-T.

overture 2.

        After the initial sobfest, I really settled into a fog of calm. I am so much happier, but it's a struggle because I miss him too. I miss being able to just jump into his arms and smell him. I have to remember that we lost that for a while now. I thought I would be inconsolable for weeks, but really I'm so calm. Literally all I really want to do is go buy shoes.. it's ridiculous. 

        I'm kind of worried about prom though. Not me really, because I don't care that much about prom. I don't have to go. I went last year, it was just okay. I know he's worried about it too now. I'm afraid that whoever it is, it is going to hurt me. I don't know, I suppose it's because I always pictured it just the two of us. Like, the worst possible girl he could take would be NS. I would absolutely DIE. OK, not die, just retch for a few days. I'm almost hoping that if we become secure enough in saving our friendship, we can still go together.

        At this point the worst possible thing would be if we lost all friendship. No matter what, he was still one of my closest friends. I don't ever want to lose that. I want to be able to hug him with no worries, and I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. I'm not ready to completely eradicate from my life. I'm trying to keep it up now, but I also want to give him his space. It seems like he's been taking it harder than I am. I'm afraid that if we just stop talking, we'll just let it fade away. It would devastate me to lose him that way again. He will always be my first love. I want to keep him close to me always. 
-T.