I read NS's blog post from back in March about myself. It was about how I ended my friendships with her and everyone else because I felt they were fed up with me. It all started with a little facebook comment of mine that was a little rash. About ten or so people started attacking me for it, and I apologized, as I realized my sarcasm might not have come across the right way on facebook. I also said that nothing I would say would matter, as they would still hate me no matter what. NS described this as being childish and selfish of me. I really don't understand. I mean, I definitely understand why that comment could be considered childish. It was. However, I wasn't the one personally attacking anyone. Still, I can't defend myself, for fear of others misconstruing my comments as being selfish and making excuses for myself.
In the midst of this I sent my "friends" a message essentially saying that it was okay if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I recognized that I'm a terrible person who damaged my friendships forever. I didn't want to drag on friendships that would be filled with remembrances of the terrible things I had said. I told them from then on I'd deal with my problems myself. I didn't want to have "friendships" that would be tense. I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me places and talk to me if they didn't want to. I apologized for dumping all my shit on them and filling their lives with unnecessary negativity.
It was interpreted as attention-whoring and pity-seeking.
NS wrote nice things back to me, saying she'd always be my friend and whatever. On the contrary, in her blog post she wrote that I'm like a child, and I need to grow up. I'm an extreme complainer (which I already knew) and I don't care about others because I'm so wrapped up in my own problems. Others have problems too, but they don't complain because they don't want to dump their shit on everyone else.
This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by sending that message. I should have kept everything to myself in the first place, which is what I said. I tried to remove pain for everyone by removing myself from their lives. Instead it became me trying to inject more angst into their lives. I still feel this way. I should change this post from past tense to present tense, because I know everyone is still sick of me. I don't understand why I expected others to listen. I am one of the most selfish people I know.