D and I have started talking again recently. It really doesn't mean anything, because he still likes that dork of a girl. After all, he has liked her since last year. (!) Very shortly after we started talking it became sexual. We almost started a friends with benefits kind of deal. Later I decided against it, and I'm glad. My friend broke up with her boyfriend, and they did the friends with benefits thing after that. She said it was the worst thing ever, and never to do it. You see, I knew it would have been, but I needed to hear it from someone else. For something like that to work, you have to unquestionably separate physicality and emotional connectedness. It is much easier said than done. I could tell myself over and over again that it would just be the physical portion, and he really doesn't give a shit about me, but something inside me would rustle every time if we went through with it.
        All I really want is for him to be my friend. I want to be able to talk to him without any ambiguity or discomfort. I don't know if I like him, but I know for a fact that I still love him. I don't like him because of how much he's hurt me. I don't like him because of how remorseless he is. I don't like him because of his insensitivity and lack of empathy. I don't like him because he made me trust him and then broke my heart. I love him because I once liked him very very much. I love him because he once made me very very happy. It's not that I love him romantically necessarily. It's just that if you care about someone so much, I don't believe that it is possible to just turn the other cheek and stop loving him. I care about him a lot.
        I told him all of this, and after a bit of explaining he said he understood. I also asked him a few of the burning questions I've had. He said that he really thinks that what we once had was real. I hope he's right. He also says he legitimately values me as a person. I can only hope that he isn't just telling me what I want to hear.
        If anything, I hope he learns from the mistakes we made together. I hope he doesn't see me as just another crazy ex-girlfriend, though I probably am one. I hope that we can both grow from this, and not necessarily apart.

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