I really have been much spoiled by luck. Sometimes I forget and I mistakenly attribute my achievements to hard work and aptitude. I've been too successful. I don't deserve what I have. I guess that's why D left me anyway. I took him for granted, and I forgot that he didn't really know me yet. I thought he loved me, but that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I think that my SAT and ACT scores mean I'm smart, and okay, I'm smart, but a large portion of it was luck. I am always wondering when my luck will run out. Occasionally I'll think, yeah, I'll pull through. I'll make it, I always have. Always have doesn't mean always will.
I'm not sure if I want to find out the results of my four-day calculus exam. D got an A before the curve, but my results haven't come out yet. He went around and bragged about it to everyone right away, and did his stupid ugly little victory dance. In fact, I'm sure that that's the sole reason he talked to me today, so he could smear it in my face. Funny how some people automatically attribute successes to their own worth and aptitude, while blaming failures on teachers, on situations, on other people, on emotions, even on plain laziness. Self-serving bias FTW.
I'm being oddly calm for being in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I guess writing it helps me, but that's why I do it, obviously. I need to get used to the idea that I can, and will fail at some point in my life. Of course, those are my issues talking. How can I know when I'm being realistic, rather than pessimistic? I feel like optimism is highly unrealistic and frankly, very naive.
I need to stop time. I need to get back to work.
EDIT: BD didn't actually get an A. He lied. What a loser.