I'm getting a bit better at avoiding those Facebook pictures that kill me inside. New ones got posted of D and my former friends plus his new crush, another super dork of a girl. Sure, they are so very tempting. I did go through a few of them, but they only brought back my repressed emotions. So I stopped. It is still very hurtful, just knowing that there is mounting indisputable evidence that they are all happy in their lives without me. In addition, it really doesn't help that D looks really attractive, and his moobs seem to have shrunk. 
        The quarter just ended. I think I got a B in calculus because I did very poorly on the last test.  I absolutely cannot have that be my only B for the semester. How am I going to show my worth to colleges, when I am supposed to be a math major, and my junior year is supposed to be my strongest year?
        Yesterday I got moved up to #1 JV for badminton. Once again, so close. I would have been on varsity, except that I girl who I usually beat happened to beat me closely the one time that the coaches were watching and recording our scores. As a result, she's varsity. I'm not. This happened last year too, when I was almost JV, but instead I was #1 Fresh/Soph. It happened the year before too, when I didn't even make the team by a hair. 
        Today was a chance to prove myself. I had to fill in for #2 Varsity because she couldn't attend the game. I lost. It was a split game with the last score being 20-22. If you know anything about badminton, you know that is a hell of a close match. I was the only one on varsity who lost at that meet. That means that I have to bring all of varsity cookies or whatever. I had to make my dad go to the store at this late hour and get them. He knew that I was upset, and I feel bad for acting horribly towards him. I know that an annoying match like that happens to everyone, and everyone told me I did a great job for not being on varsity or whatever, but that's the thing. This was the one time I could show that I was worthy of varsity. Just like every other time that counts, I screwed up the one chance to prove myself. 


why i'm doomed:

        The key to happiness is having a positive outlook on life, and to see adversity as challenges, not threats. Happy people are hopeful for the future. Easy enough, now change.
        Not so fast. The odds for American success are outstandingly in my favor. I'm going to get into a top university, I'm smart, I'm going to make lots of money. Yet, how can I be hopeful when all the odds for happiness are against me? As I have mentioned previously, my parents parented in the authoritarian style, so I'm going to be successful, but depressed. My parents argued often and my childhood was seriously annoying. Studies show that I will probably end up just like my parents, especially my mother. I can already see it in the way I treat my sister, and the way I treated BD. Fuck me.
        My parents were always hard on me, and if I did well on something, they never congratulated me. I was only reprimanded for what I did wrong, or what I was going to do wrong in the future. As psychology predicted, I am repeating this behavior now even without my parents' help. You will parent yourself as you once were parented.
        Since I always pretty much had some kind of trivial family drama, I was always used to having a lot of annoying drama in my life. Now I subconsciously search for that in all of my relationships. If something I have is healthy and stable, it feels wrong. I have to do something to mess it up. Most of the time I won't realize I'm doing it. Most of the time it just feels right to be making all these confrontations with people. Occasionally I realize what I'm doing. I do it anyway. A relationship doesn't feel normal to me unless I'm on the verge of despair about it. 
        Knowing a  lot about psychology should help me, but it doesn't. I know everything about my own condition. I've analyzed myself through and through. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything.


shut up, bishh

Dear EG:
        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.
        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.
        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.
        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.
        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.



        I realized that I spent almost a whole day not thinking about D. Seriously it's hard to imagine that I could have done that. March 22 is approaching, and I never thought that I would really be able to meet that goal. Now I guess I really can. I'm not pushing it back, as I thought that I might have.
        I have a date with a super mega hottie, PK, on the 22nd. Tuesday. I wonder what it will be like. Honestly he's not much of a conversationalist, but I bet he sucks good face. He has a complete player reputation, but at this point I don't know if I care. I'll just see how it goes and try not to get too involved. He would make a hot bofo though :P hahaha jk not yet.
        My mom called me a slut today. She says that she thinks I must have "needs" far more than other girls my age. Why else would I always be in such a hurry to find boys??? Wait. Hello? Does she think I go looking for these boys? Anyway, if a cute boy with nothing wrong with him asks me to hang out, what am I supposed to say, no, because I don't have needs? or some shit?? Wait WHAT. Then she cites all of my past boyfriends as proof that I just go around with anyone who comes my way. This is confirmation bias at its finest. Obviously I don't tell her about the boys who I reject, so she only ever hears about the ones who ask me and I don't reject. So ultimately she assumes that all she knows is all that is, and that I never reject anyone. Okay. When I try to object, and tell her that she is really being quite offensive, she pulls more "evidence" from out of her butt to try and prove to me how big of a slut I am. This evidence consists of "remember that one lame boyfriend? and this one guy who kept calling you but you never yelled at him to stop? and when you wanted a cell phone obviously so that you could talk to boys all day and night?" She really cannot understand how hurtful and arbitrary she is. If only she knew the whole truth, of how far I went with D, what would she think of me? Really I don't even know why I try with her anymore, because I'm going to be out of there soon anyway, and I know that she is a complete lost cause. If I try to take issue with her, she pushes it even further. Why is it that my own mother is one of the only people who doesn't know the truth, yet she can't even accept the stupid facade I make for her?
She knows nothing and yet despises everything.



        It's spring break, and I finally get to sleep and relax. Still, I can't help but feel more alone and exhausted than ever. Since my mind is no longer preoccupied with schoolwork, the monotonous, ubiquitous, pervasive thoughts of mine come back. I've taken to Omegle, and it's great but it gets boring. I like to use video despite the fact that half of the people on video omegle are penises. I like it because it lets me pretend that I have friends. I like it when random boys tell me I'm pretty, even if all they want are tits sometimes.
        I feel so annoying, because I want friends, yet when I have them I push them away. I feel stupid that for all of spring break I'm not going to see anyone or hang out with anyone. Yet, I can't make the effort or find it worth it to actually make plans with anyone.
        Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure, people would notice for a while, and they might feel sad but eventually they'd just move on. It's just like the way things are now. They are moving on without me, and I'm stuck in limbo. Honestly if I didn't think everyone around me would blame themselves, if I didn't feel like I would have wasted so much of my parents' time and money, if I didn't feel like everything I worked for would have been for naught, I would kill myself. I've tried in the past, and I changed my mind and threw up the pills. Don't concern yourself, because I'm not going to do it again. It's stupid and all it does is hurts people. But I would, if I could.



        Little to none of this is on D. He is just a tool with which I hurt myself. I look for rejection in nearly everyone's actions and words. Boy, I sure found them in D. He helps affirm my self-perpetuating belief that I am unlovable and worthless. I set myself up for rejection, since that's what's familiar and comforting to me. Subconsciously, I love that he gives me a legitimate excuse for my feelings.
        I told D's friends who were once my friends to stop trying. Stop being my friends because I know they don't want to. Stop trying to help me because I know it only hurts them more. I piss them off into oblivion, and I do the same to myself. I'm done with them because our relationships are no longer beneficial to either party. When I'm around them, all I can think of is how to pretend to be happy, how to get them to accept me again. The more I try, the more I fail. It's not like school, where if you just try you can do it.
Some things are just not meant to be, friendships included. The longer you drag them out, the more hurtful they become.


to not feel.

       I feel like a terrible person. Everyone is trying to make me happy. Those who have given up on me just don't know what to do anymore because I'm so far gone. I'm going to try to remove myself from those people, so that they don't have to look at me and feel simultaneous intense pity and extreme annoyance. I'm taking so much out on XK. It's not her fault, and I feel horrible. I just don't understand why. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, as D likes another girl now. Clearly I never meant anything to him, and he was just itching to get on with his life. I'm disgusted with myself. My actions and words and thoughts sicken me. My mother is really frustrated. She wants to make me happy too, but she doesn't know how. She's been saying how she's going to buy me all this stuff I wanted. She doesn't know what to do. I don't blame her though, I'm just such useless complete shit. I burden everyone who talks to me or looks at me. I despise myself for infecting everybody with sadness.
       I took a nap today, a really really long nap. In fact I just woke up to eat and take a shower, and I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Sleep is my only escape. Sometimes my dreams are painful, but I don't realize it until I'm awake. It feels so good to not feel anything at all. To be numb is such an improvement to being in emotional limbo every moment. I feel like absolute shit 24/7. I miss sleep. How blissful to sleep forever.


thnx mom.

        Last night my mom walked in on me sobbing in the dark around 1:00 AM. She was concerned. I couldn't tell her what was going on with me. She kept asking and asking and eventually gave up. Today she brought it up again, and she yelled at me because I wouldn't tell her. She threatened me, saying she wouldn't help me with this or that if I didn't tell her. Why does everybody think that if they torture me, they will get what they want? Is this the way the world works, and I just am too dumb to follow?
        D makes me sick. He had a crush on XK, a good friend of mine, right before we broke up. She's fucking nerdy and dorky and even more of a school freak than I am. I don't understand. What does that say about me? What does she have that I don't? Wait I guess she's fucking happy. Why is it that the only thing I'm missing is the one everyone really wants from me? I'm so exhausted and I don't want to care anymore. I just want to dissipate into a million pieces and never be seen again. He's never going to want to be my friend even, and I don't blame him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? I'm seriously so dumb. I hate myself for caring.
        Right now I want to castrate D himself. I will do it slowly with child-proof scissors. He'll be tied down naked and humiliated, with painful clamps on his flabby nipples, his ladle tits turning more purple by the minute. I'll make him watch. I'll go at it for a while, then stop for random intervals of time. Then start again. Classic Chinese water torture method. Then I'll freeze his good-for-nothing dick. After he's fully recovered, I'll feed his wimpy taste buds a smoothie of it doused in tobasco sauce. Maybe then he will know half of the pain I hold.


how could i

        How could I have loved such a person? So cold and remorseless. For the first time ever, I think I regret losing my virginity to him. I thought he was so sweet, even after we fell out of love I was okay with it. I should have waited until someone better came along. But maybe underneath they are all like this? Maybe I will be disappointed time after time and end up alone and sad, exactly where I am now. I cry for the death of the person I once thought I knew. I believed his wily lies, phrased with just the right amount of sheepishness and hesitant pausing and earnestness. He is so remorseless. He was so sweet.

i'm ridiculous.

[9:04:24 PM] T: hi.
[9:36:23 PM] D: hey
[9:36:40 PM] T: whats up?
[9:36:56 PM] D: was playing CoD w/ SJ
[9:37:08 PM] T: kyoot
[9:37:38 PM] T: so..
[9:37:44 PM] T: i kind of really need to know
[9:37:51 PM] T: why did you have to lie to me so much?
[9:37:58 PM] D: I didn't...
[9:37:58 PM] T: ugh that sounds really harsh but
[9:38:04 PM] T: like that i was beautiful
[9:38:11 PM] T: and that i was your best girlfriend
[9:38:19 PM] T: and that you had never had sex with anyone you loved before
[9:38:24 PM] D: You were
[9:38:34 PM] D: and then it changed
[9:38:58 PM] T: well most of all
[9:39:17 PM] T: i told you that i was psychotic and i have all these issues
[9:39:31 PM] T: and u said that you were fine with it, that you were the same way.
[9:39:37 PM] T: so i thought you would understand..
[9:40:19 PM] BD: I thought I could, but it was too much
[9:40:37 PM] T: then why would you tell me all those things when you didn;t know..
[9:40:49 PM] T: and you said you would never hurt me
[9:40:52 PM] T: :[
[9:41:34 PM] D: i tried not to... I let you down the best way I knew how to... stop tyring to make me feel bad, it was a month ago and you said you were ok w/ it
[9:42:04 PM] T: sorry.. i'm not trying to make you feel bad.
[9:42:32 PM] T: some things just don't add up in my head
[9:42:43 PM] T: maybe if i didnt say that one thing in the car everything would have been alright
[9:42:51 PM] T: or if i hadnt freaked out at you on christmas
[9:42:57 PM] T: or after finals.
[9:43:18 PM] D: well how about you just let it go? It's in the past... move on
[9:43:46 PM] T: do you think i dont want to?
[9:43:56 PM] D: yes
[9:43:57 PM] T: its not even you that i want.
[9:44:05 PM] T: its the fact that someone was there to love me.
[9:44:15 PM] D: so you dont want me... got it
[9:44:42 PM] T: now that i pushed away the only person who could ever love me, i cant see how anyone could ever like me the way i am
[9:44:52 PM] T: so i have to fake it for the rest of my life.
[9:45:01 PM] D: you dont know that many people...
[9:45:13 PM] T: does it matter?
[9:45:20 PM] D: yes
[9:45:33 PM] T: if anyone takes the time to get to know me again, it will end up the same.
[9:45:42 PM] D: stop bringing other people down w/ your saddness
[9:46:20 PM] D: Frisbee friday?
[9:46:29 PM] T: ...
[9:46:38 PM] T: i feel really bad about all this, i really do
[9:46:48 PM] T: i hate the fact that im ranting to you right now
[9:46:52 PM] D: so yea... frisbee friday?
[9:47:28 PM] T: no, i have badminton
[9:47:47 PM] T: plus everyone there would know me as your depressing exgf who cant play frisbee.
[9:48:50 PM] T: im so sorry about all this. im sorry you had to get to know me and i had to be such a let down.
[9:49:16 PM] D: just stop
[9:49:16 PM] T: now you can tell the next girl that you have only dated crazies before, and you never had sex with anyone you loved before.
[9:49:38 PM] D: omfg shut your mouth
[9:49:57 PM] D: im done talking, go to bed and calm down, ill see you tomorrow
[9:50:13 PM] T: D, you have hurt me more than anyone has ever done before.
[9:50:24 PM] T: its not just me, everyone knows you are a rude person.
[9:50:38 PM] D: bye
[9:51:15 PM] T: you humiliate the male species.
[9:51:28 PM] D: thanks
[9:51:43 PM] T: im lashing out right now, but you really  need to be more considerate
[9:51:52 PM] T: this is something i never had the balls to say while we were dating, and i wish i had.
[9:52:03 PM] D: no, you either like me or you dont, stop talking to me please, thanks
[9:52:09 PM] T: okay.
[9:52:13 PM] T: have a nice life.
[9:52:23 PM] T: i hope you are happy with what you have done to me.
[9:52:23 PM] D: I ment for the night... go to bed
[9:52:38 PM] T: i dont sleep anymore, BD.
[9:53:02 PM] T: good night. sweet dreams.


        I'm sorry to everyone who has to look at my pained face every day. I feel so listless. Those who haven't noticed are those who I have not allowed to know. I am sorry for being insincere. I cannot let everyone see me, lest I lose more people. I see that there is beauty and joy around me. I see that it is supposed to be there, anyhow. I want to feel it as those around me do. What will it take to make me happy? I am so ungrateful. My friends want to help, but I force them away. I want them to help, but I don't deserve it because I just can't be helped. I just sit there deadly. I'm glad that they have gone to ignoring me now. It's better than when they feel the need to sit there and pity me and comfort me to no avail. Still, they probably think I'm just being quiet and not saying anything for attention. I just don't find joy in people or anything I do anymore. 
        I hate feeling sorry for myself. I just took an online quiz, and according to that I have some symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, but not enough for a full diagnosis. I also have several symptoms of other disorders, but not enough for anything concrete. Who doesn't have random symptoms? I'm just like everyone else. I'm just stuck feeling sorry for myself when I really don't deserve it.
        I'm sorry to my parents, who think I'm better now. They say, now you have 35, you play badminton, you are everything. You're not depressed anymore, right? What am I supposed to say to that? Yes, magically since everything external seems to be right, then that makes me right internally. Shouldn't it though? I need to stop being an ungrateful little bitch and just get with it. 


I have everything.

        I feel so cold and empty all the time. I don't understand why. I have everything that I had ever dreamed that I could have at this point in my life. I appreciate it, but stupidly it seems sort of useless to me at the moment. All I want to do is cry in D's arms as he tells me he will never love me again while holding me.
        I am making such a fool of myself. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month since the day we broke up. It feels like we only split two days ago. I am losing sense of time. When I fall asleep I wonder about him. The moment I wake up he is there again. I am only floating through life. I am afraid to tell some people. When I do they make that awww sound, and that pity face. It makes boiling tears flood my eyes. I tried cutting. It worked while I was doing it, but right after I felt the same as before. It usually never fails. Does this mean my cure is to cut myself indefinitely? If it was, I would do it. Anything to stop this dull, searing, incessant pain.
        I want to go crazy. I am going crazy. I want to get drunk and have hate sex with a seductive stranger. 
        Everyone tries to help. I don't know how they could though. They can give me all the advice in the world. The moment I turn away I am back on to thinking about him. I push everyone away. I can't talk about this. Apparently the more you think about something, the stronger those particular neuron connections become, and the more automatically they are used. Fuck me. 


a humbling conversation.

        I just called up D. I told him I missed him. I asked if he would ever consider trying again, or if I was out of his life for good. He said not for a while. How long was a while? Weeks? Years? Decades? Years. To me, years just means no. We won't know where we'll be in so many years. We'd lose touch for sure. To him, that means a fresh start. I heard from someplace that if guys meet the right girl too early on, it sucks because they won't want her right then. They need to be wild and stupid for a few years.They'd want to have met her in the future, when they are ready to settle down. Is that what this is? Doubt it, but I hate it. 
        Also, I let him know that I wouldn't mind still going to prom with him anyway, that I still thought we could have a good time. Fuck, that was embarrassing to utter. Still at least now I know that he knows that I'm okay with it. It would be one of many options for him, I guess. Whatever, I'm glad I just had the chance to get it all out and give him that idea.
        I often wonder if he ever misses me. Does he ever look back and think about all the wonderful times we had together? Remember when we loved so purely and freely? Did he think it was dumb? Does he regret it? Does he just think I am a pain in the ass now? Does he ever yearn to just hold me, like I do sometimes? These are questions I will never ask, and I will never find out the answers to. 
        Some days I think ha, I don't need til March 22, I am so over it right now! Then other times, dark lonesome nights when I have too much time to think, I feel so so empty. Will I ever be over it? How could I? How could I not? It seems so easy in theory. Just forget about the douche-bag. Forget about the douche-bag who was (maybe still is) my whole life, my basis for happiness and anger and despair. 
        I have everything I could ever want, except for the most important, "love".
(Please ignore the video, though it is amusing. I couldn't find any others of this song.)



        I've been so exhausted lately. I'm don't really mind though. It gives me something to occupy my time and thoughts. Badminton season just started. My badminton bod is already starting to come back. Maybe I'm a creep, but I always appreciate it when athletic girls wear skinny jeans, and right under the butt you can see the slight inward curve of a toned thigh. I think I can get that by the end of the season. I also wish I had a smaller waist-hip ratio. I dream of a wonderfully lean and curvaceous body. It's not that I hate my body. It's just okay. It could easily be better. If I lose any minuscule amount of weight from my short height, it is highly noticeable. It's a wonder why I don't particularly attempt to lose weight normally. I think since I'm going to be exercising hardcore pretty much every day now, my waist will be thinner. My thighs will be toned. My fat butt will be lifted. I could achieve that gorgeously seductive gap between my thighs.
        It's too bad that nobody will be able to enjoy my body with me. 



        I'm afraid I've lost D for good. He lied to me so sweetly. First that he loved me so much and would never hurt me. That lie was discovered and is out. I've accepted it. That lie was silly in the first place, almost laughable. I should have never believed his perfectly phrased promises presented with just the right amounts of bashfulness and humility.
        Secondly, he said we were going to be friends. I was ready to go back to being our pre-teen romance selves. We almost did it. Still, I can tell that I pester him. I am the last person he would invite to any occasion. I once lit up his world, and now I am the bothersome stain on his favorite jeans that just doesn't seem to come off. I disgust myself, the pleading in my words and my glances that even I can sense disgusts me. Be my friend, speak to me, tell me anything, acknowledge me, hold me. He wants to help me, but only because he is obligated to do so. Not because he wants to. 
        How could I be so dumb to allow myself to be so immersed in a trivial teenage romance? I never thought I would be that girl. The average age for an American to lose his or her virginity is about sixteen. I used to think ew. I read a book in which a guy lost his virginity at age fifteen. Repulsive. Those girls on sixteen and pregnant? I was one step away from becoming one of them. Me, the grade skipper, with all my smarts and 2370 and 35. One time, D and I were walking in the hallway behind a pregnant sophomore at our school. He had us loiter a little so we wouldn't have to walk right behind her and so he wouldn't have to look at her. She was "disgusting, for keeping it at this age!" I almost burst into tears. He told me early on that if I got pregnant it would be totally up to me to keep the child or abort. What we were doing, his favorite act in the world, was pretty much the equivalent to that sophomore girl, who was probably just my age.
        I never want to judge anyone ever again. He's not who I thought he was, but then again I wasn't who he thought I was either. At least I have something that he doesn't. I have compassion. I love humanity, I truly do. I don't always love its actions or people even, but I try to see from everyone's point of view. I might hate what you do, but I love that you think differently from me. I want to learn and I want to see the world through other people's eyes. None of us think the same, and that is marvelous. I trust that while a given person may be misguided or ill, he means to do well. Our good intentions may be misplaced, but they are always good. I can and want to feel your pain.