Little to none of this is on D. He is just a tool with which I hurt myself. I look for rejection in nearly everyone's actions and words. Boy, I sure found them in D. He helps affirm my self-perpetuating belief that I am unlovable and worthless. I set myself up for rejection, since that's what's familiar and comforting to me. Subconsciously, I love that he gives me a legitimate excuse for my feelings.
I told D's friends who were once my friends to stop trying. Stop being my friends because I know they don't want to. Stop trying to help me because I know it only hurts them more. I piss them off into oblivion, and I do the same to myself. I'm done with them because our relationships are no longer beneficial to either party. When I'm around them, all I can think of is how to pretend to be happy, how to get them to accept me again. The more I try, the more I fail. It's not like school, where if you just try you can do it.
Some things are just not meant to be, friendships included. The longer you drag them out, the more hurtful they become.