I have everything.

        I feel so cold and empty all the time. I don't understand why. I have everything that I had ever dreamed that I could have at this point in my life. I appreciate it, but stupidly it seems sort of useless to me at the moment. All I want to do is cry in D's arms as he tells me he will never love me again while holding me.

        I am making such a fool of myself. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month since the day we broke up. It feels like we only split two days ago. I am losing sense of time. When I fall asleep I wonder about him. The moment I wake up he is there again. I am only floating through life. I am afraid to tell some people. When I do they make that awww sound, and that pity face. It makes boiling tears flood my eyes. I tried cutting. It worked while I was doing it, but right after I felt the same as before. It usually never fails. Does this mean my cure is to cut myself indefinitely? If it was, I would do it. Anything to stop this dull, searing, incessant pain.

        I want to go crazy. I am going crazy. I want to get drunk and have hate sex with a seductive stranger. 

        Everyone tries to help. I don't know how they could though. They can give me all the advice in the world. The moment I turn away I am back on to thinking about him. I push everyone away. I can't talk about this. Apparently the more you think about something, the stronger those particular neuron connections become, and the more automatically they are used. Fuck me. 

-T.