wilderness

        I'm getting a bit better at avoiding those Facebook pictures that kill me inside. New ones got posted of D and my former friends plus his new crush, another super dork of a girl. Sure, they are so very tempting. I did go through a few of them, but they only brought back my repressed emotions. So I stopped. It is still very hurtful, just knowing that there is mounting indisputable evidence that they are all happy in their lives without me. In addition, it really doesn't help that D looks really attractive, and his moobs seem to have shrunk. 

        The quarter just ended. I think I got a B in calculus because I did very poorly on the last test.  I absolutely cannot have that be my only B for the semester. How am I going to show my worth to colleges, when I am supposed to be a math major, and my junior year is supposed to be my strongest year?

        Yesterday I got moved up to #1 JV for badminton. Once again, so close. I would have been on varsity, except that I girl who I usually beat happened to beat me closely the one time that the coaches were watching and recording our scores. As a result, she's varsity. I'm not. This happened last year too, when I was almost JV, but instead I was #1 Fresh/Soph. It happened the year before too, when I didn't even make the team by a hair. 

        Today was a chance to prove myself. I had to fill in for #2 Varsity because she couldn't attend the game. I lost. It was a split game with the last score being 20-22. If you know anything about badminton, you know that is a hell of a close match. I was the only one on varsity who lost at that meet. That means that I have to bring all of varsity cookies or whatever. I had to make my dad go to the store at this late hour and get them. He knew that I was upset, and I feel bad for acting horribly towards him. I know that an annoying match like that happens to everyone, and everyone told me I did a great job for not being on varsity or whatever, but that's the thing. This was the one time I could show that I was worthy of varsity. Just like every other time that counts, I screwed up the one chance to prove myself. 

-T.