sorry..

        I'm sorry to everyone who has to look at my pained face every day. I feel so listless. Those who haven't noticed are those who I have not allowed to know. I am sorry for being insincere. I cannot let everyone see me, lest I lose more people. I see that there is beauty and joy around me. I see that it is supposed to be there, anyhow. I want to feel it as those around me do. What will it take to make me happy? I am so ungrateful. My friends want to help, but I force them away. I want them to help, but I don't deserve it because I just can't be helped. I just sit there deadly. I'm glad that they have gone to ignoring me now. It's better than when they feel the need to sit there and pity me and comfort me to no avail. Still, they probably think I'm just being quiet and not saying anything for attention. I just don't find joy in people or anything I do anymore. 
        I hate feeling sorry for myself. I just took an online quiz, and according to that I have some symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, but not enough for a full diagnosis. I also have several symptoms of other disorders, but not enough for anything concrete. Who doesn't have random symptoms? I'm just like everyone else. I'm just stuck feeling sorry for myself when I really don't deserve it.

        I'm sorry to my parents, who think I'm better now. They say, now you have 35, you play badminton, you are everything. You're not depressed anymore, right? What am I supposed to say to that? Yes, magically since everything external seems to be right, then that makes me right internally. Shouldn't it though? I need to stop being an ungrateful little bitch and just get with it. 

-T.