to not feel.

       I feel like a terrible person. Everyone is trying to make me happy. Those who have given up on me just don't know what to do anymore because I'm so far gone. I'm going to try to remove myself from those people, so that they don't have to look at me and feel simultaneous intense pity and extreme annoyance. I'm taking so much out on XK. It's not her fault, and I feel horrible. I just don't understand why. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, as D likes another girl now. Clearly I never meant anything to him, and he was just itching to get on with his life. I'm disgusted with myself. My actions and words and thoughts sicken me. My mother is really frustrated. She wants to make me happy too, but she doesn't know how. She's been saying how she's going to buy me all this stuff I wanted. She doesn't know what to do. I don't blame her though, I'm just such useless complete shit. I burden everyone who talks to me or looks at me. I despise myself for infecting everybody with sadness.

       I took a nap today, a really really long nap. In fact I just woke up to eat and take a shower, and I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Sleep is my only escape. Sometimes my dreams are painful, but I don't realize it until I'm awake. It feels so good to not feel anything at all. To be numb is such an improvement to being in emotional limbo every moment. I feel like absolute shit 24/7. I miss sleep. How blissful to sleep forever.

-T.