Last night my mom walked in on me sobbing in the dark around 1:00 AM. She was concerned. I couldn't tell her what was going on with me. She kept asking and asking and eventually gave up. Today she brought it up again, and she yelled at me because I wouldn't tell her. She threatened me, saying she wouldn't help me with this or that if I didn't tell her. Why does everybody think that if they torture me, they will get what they want? Is this the way the world works, and I just am too dumb to follow?
D makes me sick. He had a crush on XK, a good friend of mine, right before we broke up. She's fucking nerdy and dorky and even more of a school freak than I am. I don't understand. What does that say about me? What does she have that I don't? Wait I guess she's fucking happy. Why is it that the only thing I'm missing is the one everyone really wants from me? I'm so exhausted and I don't want to care anymore. I just want to dissipate into a million pieces and never be seen again. He's never going to want to be my friend even, and I don't blame him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? I'm seriously so dumb. I hate myself for caring.
Right now I want to castrate D himself. I will do it slowly with child-proof scissors. He'll be tied down naked and humiliated, with painful clamps on his flabby nipples, his ladle tits turning more purple by the minute. I'll make him watch. I'll go at it for a while, then stop for random intervals of time. Then start again. Classic Chinese water torture method. Then I'll freeze his good-for-nothing dick. After he's fully recovered, I'll feed his wimpy taste buds a smoothie of it doused in tobasco sauce. Maybe then he will know half of the pain I hold.