the last math team meet.

        Math team state was yesterday. Nine of us went down to U of I. I called up SJ, AJ, and BD, hoping to get to see them. SJ and AJ came out to meet me, while BD is still ignoring me. SJ had tried to convince him to come hang out with us for half an hour, to no avail. I made SJ take us to his dorm anyway, which was a devastatingly hot 20 minute walk from the quad. SJ and AJ went into his room first. A few seconds later I walked in and BD made almost a squealing noise, and hid under the covers. We futilely poked and prodded at him for about fifteen minutes before giving up and leaving.
        I feel awful. It was so bad of me to start seeing someone else within two weeks of breaking up with him. He hasn't been doing well at all. He got even fatter, and is now back into World of Warcraft so basically his life is being sucked away. He has made no new friends. SJ tells me that he doesn't even know his dorm neighbors. I am assuming he hasn't been talking to any girls, except to ask random ones if they want to hookup (I still have his Facebook password oops.) He is still tweeting about me and making Facebook statuses about me, even though he has removed me on both social networking sites. I sent him a Facebook message, to which I know he won't respond.
        Does he not remember when ZJ shut him out of his life? How could he do this to me now? He was the one who always said that exes should still be at least civil to each other. Actually I'm such an insensitive person. I can't blame him. Strong emotions lead to such irrationality and that's why I hate them and that's also why I love them. I've hurt him so much and he doesn't mean that much to me anymore. Except that I will always still care about him and want him to do well in life. It kills me to see him lazing away and wallowing in self-pity. Nothing I'm typing makes sense because emotions don't make sense. Everything changed at the drop of a hat. How much of our efforts in these matters actually count? I couldn't keep BD and I together no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't keep me and LE from happening no matter how in denial I was. My life and where its headed is so promising right now. I don't want any of it to change, except I want BD to talk to me again. I want to help him. I could get all of what I want, or all of what I don't want.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just so inarticulate so I'm just going to stop.

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