sexual orientation

        I'm not heterosexual. I don't know what that word means because to be honest it doesn't make any sense. People are generally defined as being gay or bi or straight or whatever, but I don't think that any  of those is an accurate description of what you want in a partner at all. For example, heterosexual person is interested in people of the opposite gender, but not all people of the opposite gender. We all have a list of characteristics that attract us to certain people, and gender might just be one trait on that list. It might be true that someone is exclusively attracted to people of one gender, but that is far from the whole story.
         I guess I could be described as pan-sexual, but that word doesn't exactly cover it either. I don't lust for absolutely everything. I feel as if sexual orientation is an important part of one's identity, but I wish it weren't. I'm a little confused about who I am and this is a silly thing to create that confusion. I know exactly what I want and what I'm attracted to. Why do I need a word to categorize that? For simplicity's sake I'll assert that I'm pan, but its implications are not as I want them. I am attracted to intelligence, humor, sass, empathy, and a hint of something edgy. I might have a preference for men, or perhaps am just accustomed to them, but if something else piques my interest then that's perfectly fine too.
        When my friends want me to make out with them, they are perplexed by my lack of interest and general apathy. They are curious about girl-kisses, but I'm not. I don't see how it could be any different from any other kiss. They say it's strangely platonic, but then what's the point? You could kiss anyone that you are not attracted to and have it be platonic, I've done that before and it shouldn't depend on gender. I'm not curious. Anyway, I don't like for my kisses to be meaningless and that's just my preference.
        I suppose for now I just have to be okay with the label of pan, simply because I am expected to have some sort of label and I'll need to know how to answer that defining question of sexual orientation. Maybe later I'll decide to obliterate that label entirely.

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