The blog has been moved. Someone who was close to me was hurt and took things I said personally, and I am deeply sorry. I wasn't complaining about her, but the institution of friendship. She doesn't understand, but that's okay. It was wrong of me to believe that I could keep posting whatever I wanted without worrying people or offending them. I try my best to be both honest and respectful, but those two things are at times mutually exclusive. Too many people in my life knew about this blog, and I just couldn't be totally honest anymore. Friendships make everything complicated, and this is a perfect example. While it was my own doing and ironically my fear of friendship caused an actual rift, it's one more example of why I can't get terribly close to people. I've told everyone that this blog was deleted, so hopefully they won't go looking for it. I've given this new link to one person, and maybe I'll give it to one more. It's likely that I'll get careless again and consequences will come again, but this will do for now.
I know I need to get over myself and get over my irrational avoidance of friendships, but that will take time, and this conflict that in my mind shouldn't even be an issue has arisen and doesn't help. Frankly it seems silly to me. It's not that I don't like girls and that's why I've turned to LE. No, I don't think it's that because I do feel the panic a bit with LE. The difference is that everything I know about LE leads me to believe that a connection to him would be largely drama-free, and that's what I need. He's so relaxed and I feel so at ease. Any anxiety around him is quelled for the most part. I'm still afraid to get too close though. I don't want to be "liking" him, because I know I'd ruin everything and I never want to lose him. My life's complications are both laughable and my own doing.
Why don't I just journal in a real notebook like a rational person would? It's silly but I have to pretend like someone is reading and waiting on my thoughts, even if it's make-believe random internet people, otherwise I won't have the impetus to write for myself. I've tried in the past, and this blog has been the only thing of this nature that I have stuck with. This blog has been good for me. I've grown as a writer and a thinker, and have even been able to occasionally capture my thoughts with writing. I think I'd choose this blog over my friends, maybe because it's the closest any object or entity has come to fully representing me. And I like me.