my cutting.

        Cutting is hard to understand. Why would you want to inflict pain on yourself, especially when you already going through something hard? It's not even natural to want to hurt yourself. How does it even make sense? I guess it doesn't, but neither do most things. Some think it's about hating yourself so much that you want to destroy yourself, or that it means you are suicidal. Hah, once in 7th grade my mom told me that it was a good thing that I was cutting myself because it meant I knew I did something wrong and I wanted to punish myself. Middle school was good times.
         I got into cutting in sixth grade when my friend told me she was doing it. It scared me at first, but then I tried it once and I was hooked. I usually turn to it when the thoughts and emotions in my head feel like a hurricane, so much so that I can't breathe or see properly. It's when I feel like I don't have any control of my life or that I can't be heard. I often use something dull like scissors or more often I grab a push pin from my bulletin board. It's not about the blood or the cut. It's about feeling the pain, so the dullness helps. Those internet things that say things along the lines of, "you're doing it wrong emos, it's down the road, across the street does nothing!" really really anger me. While it's true that people slit their wrists to try and bleed themselves to death, that's not what it's about for me. I'm not sure that it makes me "feel alive," as a friend put it. It's a method of staying alive. I am cutting and I feel all my tension concentrating at one point, and it's like a deep breath of fresh air. It calms me.
         To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with it other than that it's an indication that I can't handle my emotions. It's a better coping mechanism I think than starving or drinking or violence. Those things have lasting consequences. My life isn't in danger, and my skin will heal itself. How are my cuts different from a simple paper-cut? The relief I feel when cutting probably is due to the fact that your brain gets rushed by endorphins when the body is pain. It's like natural drugs. I know that I'm not supposed to cut, and I really do try not to, but it's all for other people. I don't really understand why I'm not allowed to do it. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing, as per usual.

No comments:

Post a Comment