that was sudden. and also deja vu.

         D brought up that he hates that my friends don't like him, and that "maybe this isn't going to work." That made my heart stop. I responded by agreeing and then listing out everything else that was wrong with our relationship and almost all of our fundamental differences. We don't agree on accepting others, feminism (or at least not being degrading), the greatness of thoughts even if they are impractical, drinking, and maybe other things that I can't think of right now. I brought up all of this and then he was like wait but I don't actually want to break up and then we talked on the phone and it was awful. He started to act so passive and that never happens. He left it up to me which made everything so much harder. I made my decision.
         I told him that I feel like I have to hide parts of myself when I talk to him. I have to suppress excess thoughts because he won't want to hear them. Maybe I was wrong to suppress them. Maybe I should have talked about it with them. Once I did share some mild ones on a pizza date and it was the best date ever. We had the best conversation. But then again there really is something wrong if we rarely have deep conversations, the ones that I love so much. But maybe that was my fault. I don't know. I had been thinking about how we weren't right for each other for quite some time. I know that we aren't. We just don't see the world in the same way at all. I knew this was coming and that I had to do it. He brought up an opportunity to do it, and I took it. There was no going back. I just had no idea it would be so soon. But I guess you never do have any idea.
         There was some confusion about our status. I told him we were taking a break. What does a break mean? I hate that word, but I'm confused too. Are we allowed to see other people? I'm allowing it. He's in college for cryinoutloud. But I know he won't. I don't think I'm going to either. The last time we broke up was February 6, 2011. A year and six days later, it's happening again. Is this going to be the last time? I don't know. If I end up going to U of I, maybe it won't be. If I don't, it probably will be the last. That's crazy. It's weird to not be with him. It's weird to not identify myself with him. It's weird to be single. It was weird to just type that. I can't tell him that I love him anymore, even though I do. Are we just going to stop talking? I really hope not. That would be unbearable. I absolutely hated having to do it and I worry about him a lot. I've made sure he will have someone to talk to for all of tonight. For once I won't be able to do it, even though I'd be more than willing to. Clearly that's just not possible right now. I want to be friends, and he can call me if he ever needs to talk about anything. Once we're over each other I guess. It's going to take a long time again. I cried, but I still feel like it hasn't hit me yet. I'm sad, but I know I made the right decision. For the both of us.
        The worst thing ever was hanging up. I wouldn't hang up and neither would he, but I knew it had to be me. The word goodbye had never been so painful. It was goodbye and the phone call that would mark the end of us, and it was just so hard to end that. Maybe the distance was getting to me, but it also brought out how little we are without our physical closeness. Him just being around made me feel wonderful, and without that everything bad about our relationship just became so apparent. Our ending was inevitable, but he'll have a piece of my heart forever. That's always been the case. I'll never put him out of my mind.
This is one of those times when words can never be enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment