I couldn't fall asleep until very late last night. Then D woke me up with a text saying that he missed me. It killed me. It took me a long while to fall asleep again. I wore all non-waterproof makeup to school today so that I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. That was one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made. First and second hour my physics teacher wasn't there so I was disappointed but we didn't do anything so the first two hours were fine. DC had wanted to ask me about some of my deeper beliefs, for lack of a better term, but then said she couldn't ask me because my current state of mind would alter the answer. I made her ask anyway, and she asked whether or not I thought love exists or not, since it's not chemical and therefore must be tied to something higher like perhaps a deity or something. I said I think it exists, but that it's all chemical reactions. She seemed delighted and agreed with me. I like to think that I can be rational even when I'm emotionally fragile. Third hour we got our math tests from two weeks ago back. I did awful, worse than I thought I did, and the worst I've ever done in that class. I ended up crying quietly at my desk. I think my math teacher saw, and then SY felt bad because she thought it was something she said when actually I don't even remember what she said. Everyone probably thought I was only crying over a stupid math test, but that's fine they can think whatever they want.
I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.
P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.