stake & sheak

        It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
        Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
        While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
        After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.

-T.