dubious.

        I am seeing more and more how incompatible D and I really are. Actually, I knew it all along, but I am being reminded of it further. My friend asked me what I thought D liked about me. All I could think of was "ass" and "vagina." I grew curious, and so I talked to D about it and we each compiled lists of what we liked about the other:

what D likes about me

• ass
• vagina
• smartness - but not smart-ass-ness
• personality (selectively)

what i like about D

• height
• whiteness
• good at math/science
• money
• cute family
• pretty eyes
• funny some of the time

It looks like I was spot on with the first two, and it's kind of funny but not really. I made up the excuse that once you get to know someone really well, it's hard to quantify them in traits. I have no idea if that's true or not, and I am just making up excuses really. I wonder what our relationship is founded on, but I'm afraid to know. The traits that I like the most about myself: work ethic, empathy, love of art, critical thinking; he despises them all. I can't recall a single intelligent conversation we have had where we talk about deeper things in which he hasn't just tried to make me be quiet because he doesn't want to think about it. How can this be, when introspection and curiosity are what I live for? His arrogance, his close-mindedness, his lack of work ethic all drive me nuts. What makes it all worse is that when we have problems he refuses to talk about it and he just shuts me out. This is supposed to demonstrate his power and drive me crazy, and it does. But it doesn't help anything. It only teaches me to avoid making him mad by way of deceit and keeping things from him. When I don't agree with him, I try to not even bring it up because I know that it will make everything worse. Conflicts in relationships are supposed to help people understand each other, not always drive them apart. It's not that we have had problems very recently, but that's because I keep things from him so that we won't have problems. That's not to say that there aren't some unquantifiable things that I love about him. I do enjoy his company and he really did charm the pants right off of me. 

        I just recall the great infatuation we had for each other and it was the most thrilling few weeks of my life. Of course, it didn't last. How could it? I think I still feel a part of myself yearning for it, and holding out hope that it will come again even though I know it won't. Why are we together still? Is it merely because we are comfortable with each other, and because it is just convenient? He does get to come home from college and have someone always fuckable there waiting for him. I get the comfort of knowing that someone is obligated to be close to me. I sometimes wonder what's keeping him from just cheating on me at college. Especially next semester, when he is at U of I with his friends, there will be so much temptation. I told him that if he ever gets the urge to cheat on me to just call me up and break up with me first. I know he's not cheating on me, just because he is too prideful for it if anything. I think that I must be saving him from a plethora of STIs because he would have no sexual restraint without a girlfriend meekly waiting at home for him. Why does he even like me? I am a nice warm vagina that he can consistently rely on. Even if I'm more than that, how can I ever know? I was speaking to LE and it turns out LE is a pretty big horndog as well, and has definitely used girls for their bodies. He is more restrained, but it's so frustrating to see that men truly are all the same, even ones I look up to the most. They are so driven by sex, and I can't even keep boys from focusing on that aspect of me because I am such a slut. I just sort of let them do what the want with me. Where is that balance of having a sexually fulfilling relationship that still allows for mental connection?
       I know that I care for D more deeply than I do for any other person in this whole world. I want us to be happy, and I want us to be able to like each other for who we are, without needing to hide ourselves. I don't know if that is possible, just because we are so different. We value totally different things. I keep thinking that if I suck it up and stick it out things will change. I will find a way to fix myself, I will find a way to fix him. I'm not sure if that can happen.
This has been a nonsensical and terribly unorganized post, a reflection of my confliction. 

-T.

P.S. RIP Grandpa.