skinniness

          I wonder if I'm ever going to be skinny. Ever. In my whole life. It's as if it's a bucket list item for me. I have to know what it's like to have everything you wear look good, to not be worried about those little pouches of fat under your armpits, to not have lovehandles, to have a thigh gap, to not worry about whether the angle of your chin is showing off that double chin, to not have that gross fat above your knee, and to wear whatever shoes you want without the worry of your calves looking fat.
        I know I'm not fat. I look good, and pretty average now. I've been running every day since Christmas too. While I haven't been losing weight, I feel more toned and a lot healthier. Sometimes though, I see a picture of a girl whose body is absolutely a dream and I just want to scream because I want that. I watch my friends starve themselves even though they are perfectly skinny and I wish I could have their bodies. Sometimes I wish I could starve myself, because it works. It's too bad I love food too much. I have a pretty good body, but nobody looks it at with envy and desire. I want to get to the point where my fat isn't distracting. When wearing booty-shorts and such in the summer, I feel like my thighs are so juicy that I look over-sexualized without trying. Skinny people can wear basically underwear outside and not have that problem.
        My main worry is that my body just isn't made to be skinny. I have wide shoulders, so that doesn't help. My waist-hip ratio is far from ideal and I have always been fattish. I look at pictures of myself where I know I posed the best way possible to minimize my frame, but I still look so thick. I want to get to where nobody will look at a photo of my and think that I'm thick. Instead of getting thin when I work out a lot consistently, I just get muscular. I suppose I'm just big-boned and I'm also really short and have stocky legs but that kind of sucks. Being curvaceous and juicy has its benefits, but being thin looks awesome, and I don't know if it's possible for me to be that, no matter how hard I work.
-T.