An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends.
Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate.
I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such?
I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back.