here we go again!

       I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I went to D's dad's house where there was some sort of family barbecue so I met all of those people and it was barely even awkward. Oh yeah forgot to mention it prior to this but I'M SEEING D AGAIN. I was trying to keep it on the DL but it's pretty much out now so whatever. I hung out with him and his sister and his little cousins and saw his almost one-year-old half brother aww it was so precious. Afterwords before he dropped me off we had sex and it was nice and romantic and so sweet as well as sexy.
        I think we are both trying hard to not make the same mistakes as last time, and we really do want to be happy together. We've done a lot better talking about and working out our problems. There is honestly no one I feel more comfortable around. Whom else could I allow to inspect my vagina and cuddle naked with? He keeps mentioning things like kids and spending our live together which I know he is only saying in passing but I kind of wish he wouldn't. I'm still not entirely sure of everything just because there is no way I can just forget about the past. It's going to take a while for me to be able to trust him. As wonderful and sweet as yesterday with him was, there was a little something missing. There was nothing to fill those pregnant pauses where "I love you" used to go.
        The tricky part is that I do love him, and I realize that I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. My love for him is a bit different though. A long time ago, I loved him carelessly and blissfully. Now my love is weighed down with remembrances and guilt and anticipation for heartbreak. It's the lack of surety and security and possibly the lack of reciprocation that keep both of us from saying it.
        I want to be his perfect girl, and I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him right now, and I want it to last.
-T.
P.S. Last Tuesday, August 30, was our anniversary! One whole year :]