EG told me in a semi-joking semi-mocking way that her goal in life is to be happy. It was as if she was telling me that since she wanted to be happy, so she was. As if I wanted to be this way. I put on my depressed down-dragging manner on purpose. I do it for attention. I don't want to be happy, not like she or anyone else does.
How do people expect me to be happy when they criticize me for not being happy? It's my fault I'm this way. It's my own thinking and my own stupidity and my own narrow-mindedness that puts me here. Even if that's true, which it truly could be, do they think they can just tell me to snap out of it? They tell me that they don't hate me, they just wish I could sound happy for once. Seriously that makes me so angry. I try so hard to be happy, and I still end up emanating this aura of depression. Then it becomes my fault for not trying hard enough. I'm obviously doing something wrong if I can't just be happy. They want me to "be myself." What if they hate "myself?" Then I should just put on my fake happy self so that people will like me. Honestly I wonder if that's what I'm going to have to do for the rest of my life. Nobody really wants to help. They just want to see what they think is a happy shining girl, and be done with it. Everyone tries to be so altruistic. They are so close-minded. They know so little.
I have been shitting on EG a lot here. It's not that I think she is a terrible person. It's just that she represents everything about humanity that I detest and society loves. She is the conglomeration of effortless natural beauty, effortless cheer, magnetic "personality", fakery, people-pleasing, self-assurance, cute naivety, and artificial niceties. Worst of all, her qualities in combination with her broken family background make her absolutely unhateable. Only the most wretched could hate her.
Everyone else can do it.
I don't want it enough.