sustenance.

Here is a post that really is long over due.

        I don't have best friends, but if I had to choose one, I know who I would pick. She is the only person who just seems to understand me and my obnoxious train of thought. We find consolation in each other that we are not alone. She is gorgeous and she is one of the only people I know who legitimately loves to help people and to learn. She is so smart and pretty much famous. I can't say here what she is famous for, or even her initials, lest they betray her identity, so I will just refer to her as JD, for Jane Doe. In a way, her reputation has caused her a lot of pressure. She has too much impossibility to live up to.

        About two months ago, JD went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with recurring clinical depression. Peculiar that the only person who I can truly empathize with is one who is clinically depressed. She got prescribed an antidepressant. She had bad side effects with it, so now she is on another medication that is really working better her. Her depression has really faded. I am so happy for her, and it gives me hope for myself.

        However, just as JD's depression faded, another recurring affliction of hers returned, and worse than ever. Anorexia nervosa has taken over her life. She eats about 100 calories a day. All her thoughts are of food, how she is going to avoid it, how she can hide her diminishing body from her mother, how she feels her heart palpitating and she is on the verge of blacking out any moment. None of JD's other friends understand. They either yell at her about it, threaten to tell authority figures, or avoid her altogether. They take it personally, thinking that how many calories she eats equates how much she cares about them. They don't understand that anorexia is an addiction. In an addiction, life becomes substance above all else. 

        I have so much guilt. I try to help her. I know that I am all she has. She can't even tell her psychiatrist because she will be considered a danger to herself, so her parents will know. The worst is that she knows how much it is harming her. She knows she was happier +17 pounds ago. She knows that even when she gets to her thin goal she will not be happy. It's nearly impossible to hang out with JD anymore because she cannot be around food so she would rather avoid everything altogether. She sees how this is killing her. As she tells me, anorexia is JD's best friend.

        All we can talk about now is her addiction. Her beautiful spirit is sunken.
        I need to help her call it back. 
-T.