Some days I just want to die. Not because I hate life, not because it's even particularly bland. I'm in a weird limbo phase between high school and college, and all of my friends have already left except for LE and a few in high school. I should really be living semi-independently now, studying and meeting new people, but I'm at home trying to avoid my family and then getting guilt-tripped for not talking to my grandma more. (She's okay but I just really don't have anything to say to her??)
I don't know what two weeks from now is going to be like, and for some reason I have this stupid perception that college is going to determine a lot and be a huge new chapter in my life. Maybe I'm afraid. I'm scared that I made all the wrong decisions and I'm going to hate college like some of my friends already do. What if I can't manage my money, or find a job, or keep up with the school work? What if I can't control myself at parties? Moving out is going to take a toll on my relationship with LE. There are so many things that could go wrong.
Dying would just make everything secure. I would never know what college was like, but I would never let it ruin itself. My love for LE would never falter. I would never come to the realization that I need to depend on others to live.
At the same time, life is like the stock market. I don't really want it to end because despite all my worries, there is the small possibility that things are going to get even better. Not just as good as I think they will get, but astronomically better. There are a lot of possible risks of venturing into the future, but the possible rewards taunt me into staying. The future could be like nothing I've ever thought, and I'm curious.