This is particularly frustrating because probably the biggest reason for our split was that he wouldn't do his college apps and I kept freaking out at him about it. JK, not college apps, just singular. One college application. Seriously though, where was his mother? Why was I the only one who tried to make him do it? When he finally did get it done, it was because he absolutely had to lest he not apply at all. He stayed up into the wee hours of the next day doing it. I didn't even get to proofread it, which is bad because he is a sucky writer. When finished, he felt so accomplished and felt like he deserved some big congrats or something. Anyway, a snippet of a months-old dialogue:
D: See, I told you I'd get it done!
T: Sure, but your essays are probably crap considering you did them in one night
D: So what, they're done.
T: Yeah but if you don't get in you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have, if only you had started working on them earlier.
Does he remember any of this? I have a feeling he does, but he just can't bring himself to admit it to himself. He knows I was right all along. He knows that I didn't explode at him without good reason. I don't know if this is any consolation to me though. I want him to be happy. Still, he deserves it for not listening to me. I don't know how I should feel. More than anything, I'm worried. He's smart but he didn't use it to his advantage. I still want to see him off to college with his other friends, and it's hard to say that he deserves to get left behind because of his bum-ness.
Also, I don't know how I should feel about him always pushing me away, except for when he needed me to console him. I sincerely wonder if there's anyone aside from his family who cares for him more than I do. No matter what happens to him, I want him in my life. A piece of me will always think of him as the sweet guy who took my virginity. I'm dreading the day he forgets me. I don't mind him always coming back to me if he ever needs comfort.
Sometimes the most we can do is simply learn from our mistakes. I hope he really takes this time to reflect on what he did wrong, but I can't do that for him. He has to do it himself, lest he continue to cheat himself out of things he really could have gotten. Mistakes are good and necessary for growth, but what if some people never grow?