Something happened inside me today. I don't know if it will last.
These past few weeks reconnecting with D has really been comforting me. At first it was just about that. Then it became about seeing if we could get back together. Then it became about me trying to get him to like me again. Today something changed in me.
T: I was just sort of hoping that there would be something to make you learn from your mistakes. (talking about his slacker-ness and not doing his work on time or properly)
D: LOL no, one time I got caught plagiarizing a complete paper, and I didn't get a zero or anything!!
T: .....WHAT. THAT'S HORRIBLE.
D: I have no respect for writers. They just make money off of just writing.
T: .............Writing well takes a lot of skill and work and talent.
D: I doubt that.
T: [speechless. dying inside.]
And there it is. That was the moment today when I finally realized that our differences are irreconcilable. I've always tried to fix him. I've tried to show him another side to humanity. I've tried to show him the beauty in art. I've tried to show him a deeper meaning to life. I've tried to get him in touch with ephemeral emotions. I've finally realized that I can't show him these things. Like I have, he has to find these things for himself, within himself. I hope that one day he will find these things. I try tell him all the time what he means to me. I was crying in his car today. Not because I was sad, but because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of the seniors graduating, and here's D and me just like old times, but something so different inside of me. I still aim for us to keep on being best friends, though by best friends I don't mean good matches or people who understand each other totally. For us, I mean people who have been through a lot together. People who have really shaped each other. Me especially. I have changed so much, and it is for the better. He laughed at me while I cried. It's not as mean as it sounds. He says he understood, but it was like someone laughing when he is uncomfortable or doesn't know what to do. He is just a boy. He is older than me, but he understands so little. It's not his fault, and he will come to realize what I am doing, what I have done, and what I have become. I often wonder if some people come to appreciate these things. I hope he will. I think he will.
I've cried a lot today. I can't say it's out of sadness. That's not the right word. Maybe this is what people mean when they cry out of joy. I don't think they really mean joy though. These tears mean unexplainable beauty, which is a whole mix of terrifying and wonderful emotions. I think for once, just maybe, I am really truly at peace with the fact that D and I have irreconcilable differences. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he can be changed. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he is not a bad person. The differences do not make me want to change things. We are going to be wonderful friends. I can just tell.