JD: blah blah something about my 7th grade ACT
XK: Oh what did you get?
JD: I don't feel like I should have to tell you.
XK: Well why, just curious.
T: Well I would hope that you are good enough of friends that you wouldn't need to make a judgment on her based on her ACT score.
XK: It's not a judgment, I'm just curious.
JD & T: blah blah something about how it is a judgment because that's human nature, if you know something you are going to judge it.
XK: *angry flustered huffy*
JD told us her 7th grade ACT score just a bit later, because she honestly didn't care. What mattered was that XK just wouldn't drop it, and insisted that she wasn't going to judge. We tried to explain to her that even though she didn't mean to judge, she would. Human nature automatically processes information by means of judgment. That's just life. It doesn't mean she is a judgmental person just because she makes judgments.
It was a while ago, and it didn't seem like that was such a big deal. Today I asked XK if she would please contribute something to our group project, since it was a group project and she hadn't been there on the work days. She started going off on a tangent about how she shouldn't put in her own ideas because we were going to shoot down her ideas in front of the class. She said that she hates it when people accuse her of being something she's not. It took me a while to figure out what the hell she was talking about.
I tried really hard to explain to her that we weren't trying to accuse her of anything. Just because she made a judgment doesn't mean she is a bad person. Freaking everybody makes judgments. She went on to say that maybe JD and I were the judgmental ones, not her. Maybe I should think before I speak because I don't know what others are sensitive about. Okay, I'll admit that oftentimes I am insensitive and not think before I speak. However, this was definitely not one of those times. I was very very deliberate in what I was saying, and tried my best to come off as constructive and not offensive. I guess it didn't work, especially when she went on to accuse us of exactly the thing that she said she hated being accused of. Apparently we were trying to impose our ideas on her. Our idea that people shouldn't need to have labels of their standardized testing scores attached to them is silly.
She keeps saying that we are going to embarrass her in front of the class when we present our project. Does she really believe that? I asked her if we embarrassed her in front of anyone that day. She admitted no, but embarrassing her for herself was more than enough. XK also says that she won't forget what we did to her that day. We hurt her and imposed our ideas on her. Does she not realize that she hurts me too? I'm hurting because she takes my help the wrong way. Was there anything that I could have said to make it okay? Are some people just like this? I don't give up on people ever because I don't believe that they are just like that. I think that they really do know better and want better for themselves. That notion of mine always gets me into more trouble. With everyone.
I think it says more about her that she couldn't take criticism than that she tried to make a judgment. She can't see herself objectively, and she can't see herself as being less than wonderful. She is so smart and hardworking, and mad props to her. However, because of that, she is so damn arrogant. She is not mature, yet she thinks she is because of her numbers. She's just naive. I was only trying to help, and I told her so. She said she didn't want my help. Once again, I'm seeing that the most important ideas in life can only be learned through experience. I'm afraid that when she does learn it, it will be from people who aren't so considerate. She's going to meet hoardes of arrogant bitches in college and in life. They're not going to excuse her so easily. They will be infinitely less sensitive to her feelings.
I told XK that I was sorry. I'm not sorry though. I mean, I am sorry for hurting her feelings. I'm not sorry for saying what I did. I truly considered her to be a very good friend of mine. I guess we're not that great of friends if I can't assert my opinions and not have her get all defensive and attacking. I don't mean to hurt anyone.
Can people change? Do people change? Do people want to change? I believe that they can and do and will, but maybe that's just because I'm me. If I could be truly insensitive, life would be so easy. People don't know how much they hurt me when they act like this. XK is a wonderful person, but she needs to grow, as do all of us.