i could be pretty

        I'm just recently starting to realize how nice my features are. I have nice cheekbones that are defined, but not sharp enough to be bitchy. I have a cute nose that's especially good for an Asian's. My eyebrows are naturally full and defined, so that I only have to pluck like two hairs once a week to keep them perfect. My hair is nice, and I don't have to do much to it to keep it presentable. My lips are pretty and full. Best of all, I have that prized double lid, or lid crease or whatever you want to call it, that Asians often don't have. I get all the nicest features of being Asian, without being too chink-eyed and fleshy-faced.
        There's one thing holding me back though, and that's my skin. Up until 8th grade, I would always get compliments from my friends on it, and I never wore any makeup on it either. Once I got to high school, my skin went berserk. I pretty much became a walking grease monkey. I break out pretty much every day, sometimes more than that. Right now it's pretty bad because of all the stress I've been having. When this happens, I look in the mirror at that familiar tingle, and I get so in denial, and so angry. I wash my face all the time, and I've tried a lot of things to try and help it, but my skin still sucks. I'm also sensitive to most acne medication, it makes me peel and itch and get red and irritated. I just want to hide and not talk to people. BD once told me that I was a 7 out of 10 in the looks department, and the only reason he could think of was my skin. Having clear skin makes up for a plethora of feature problems. When you have bad skin, that's all that you and anyone else will notice. If they happen to notice that you have nice features, they think, oh she could really be pretty once her skin clears up.
        Bad skin looks filthy and dirty and unhealthy. It frustrates me a lot because I try really hard to prevent it, and it's not like it's a part of my features. I really have no control over it. Even if I just sit at home and don't wear makeup for a week because of break or something, I still break out. If I happen to just have one or two pimples at any one time, I feel really good about myself, but I'm always just dreading the next major breakout. Even if my skin gets clear for a while, I have leftover hyper-pigmentation and whiteheads and blackheads and countless other gross things. 
        My mom won't let me see a dermatologist because it's expensive. I know it's caused by hormones too, and so the only thing that would help would be birth control or other hormone-controlling medication. My mom thinks that those kinds of things cause cancer, so not like she would ever let me use them. Keep in mind, this is the same woman who promotes acupuncture and predicts people's blood types by their personalities and loves Chinese witch medicine and Chinese suction therapy and anything else that's pseudo-scientific. She doubts the things that have research backing them, because the research always gives the side effects too. It's too bad nobody can prove anything either way about the things she uses.
        Really though, my skin is the one thing that makes me super insecure. It's the one thing that is universally ugly, and it's the one thing that keeps me from being pretty.


  1. real talk, i don't even notice your skin being "bad". i'm usually really sensitive to bad skin but it isn't at all something i notice about your face. if it's there, you cover it with make up to the point where it's not noticeable. all i see is a gorgeous girl! i'm glad you're realizing you have such nice features.

  2. also.. it's expensive, but they work for all acne, no matter how bad. retinoids- the creams and the pills. the creams have no internal side effects, only skin sensitivity, redness, fierce burning the first two weeks, and peeling. but it helped my face a lot! no hormones...