everyone's going to die.

        I talked to GJ today since he was SAT subject testing as well. He brought up D, which was a relief. He told me that it was my choice, and I could go with whomever I wanted. Honestly I know that GJ didn't even want to go with me, he just was going to because he felt bad for me. I am not so conflicted anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm sure what I'm doing will be good for me. In fact, I'm almost certain it won't be. 
        I guess I'm going to prom with D. He's been telling me all this stuff... that I'm not even sure I want to get into. It's all so very hard to believe, but I want to believe it so badly. It needs to be understood that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was ready to let go of D. I was going to be strong. How was I to prepare myself for him to come back like this? I don't know what I want. There are moments when I know that we will work out. Then there are other moments when I know that we won't ever be together again. At this point, I really am just willing to go with the flow. D scares the shit out of me. Nobody else can manipulate me like he does. Everybody's going to kill me if they find out what's happening between us.
        Who knows, maybe he really is willing to change. Or maybe he's going to flee the moment a reminder goes up that I am not perfect. Only he can throw me around the way he does. 
        If one good thing comes out of this, it'll be that I can wear my 5-inch heels without feeling like I need to slouch. Yes, staying positive. :]
[ignore the horrid video please.]


  1. sorry dear, but you realize no one in your prom group likes him, right..? other than his friend..

  2. they don't really know him? and anyway i guess i sort of gave in and agreed to go in his group. i have friends there too..