Truth is something that can be altered by no one. I believe that telling the truth means telling all of the truth and not just a piece of it. By only telling one part all the other parts become assumed by other people and may not be true. Truth is a questionable topic as its contents are determined by how well it is suited by each individual. I think that truth is a belief.
------ I wrote this when I was eight years old. I am positive this wasn't for any assignment or anything like that either. I'm not even sure what to think. I am really weird. -T.
cool water lapping over our bodies
your eyes poring over my body
my eyes watching your hot gaze
your big hands sneaking and pressing
my blue bathing suit enticing and yet shrouding
you inch closer to me
suddenly my legs around yours
just rotating on the outside of your heat
its pressure felt through the layers
i pull away, we swim
my arms pulling separating the water
your strong legs pushing us forward
away
It's my senior year of high school, and I have been steadily gaining confidence. I believed in myself like I never had before. I felt good about myself and I felt good about going to school. People at school liked me and with some effort I was doing great in all of my classes. I even hung out with people twice already this winter break, and it's only been half a week. I never hang out with people. Too much guilt usually, but I've talked about that before.
All of that has been dashed in the past two days. I don't know why I am taking that admissions decision to heart so much. All the memorabilia of UChicago are ubiquitous around my house. My home page is still their website. I can't bring myself to change it. I see a picture of the campus, I see people I follow on Tumblr debating which dorm to get, I see them posting their acceptance letters, I see the people on Facebook who were accepted, and I can't stand it. They deserve it so much and I am really happy that they got in, they all worked so hard for it, but I wanted to be there too. Every time I see anything like this, which is so often, I just start bawling.
I am feeling a pain that I haven't felt in a while. The little bit of confidence I had simply dissipated. I can't focus on my other college applications. I don't feel that I deserve to college anywhere. I want to disappear much of the time.
-T.
My friends have been so supportive of me. I know that college admissions are not a measure of my character or worthiness, but it's hard to believe that especially when I gave everything I had to UChicago. I am so not alone in my deferral, and I'm glad that I wasn't outright rejected. I think that would have been too much to bear.
Something I have noticed in this process is that socially, a rejection/deferral of a worthy candidate is rarely attributed to something that the candidate must have done wrong. It's assumed to be an idiotic decision or a mistake on the college's part. It's just really nice to know that people aren't going to think less of me because of what a college somewhat arbitrarily decides about me.
I've added a college tab to this blog. I'm applying to a lot of pretentious schools, but I really like them. There were several that I was thinking of applying to but I really tried to limit myself to schools that I could actually see myself attending. The only one that I don't really want to go to is Princeton. My parents are forcing me to apply there for the financial aid. My mom for some reason is convinced that they will accept me. She is beyond ridiculous. I could never have half a shot at getting in, and I don't even particularly like the school. It's a great school, but just not for me. I can't decide if I should put up my stats there too, what do you think? I'll get judged hard, so I don't know.
Next round of decisions comes out late March/early April. Hopefully my self-worth won't be hurt so much again!
-T.
I can't believe it. Well I can, but I don't know.. it just seems so wrong. I can't picture myself anywhere else. I put forth the greatest effort into UChicago, I showed the most interest, and yet I couldn't get accepted. If this is the case, then what will happen with the schools that I am only mildly interested in, because I spent all of my college energy into the one school? How am I supposed to get into anywhere worthwhile if I can't get into the one I worked the hardest on? I poured forth my soul and heart into the extended essay, but I guess it isn't good enough.
I'm angry. I have no right to be angry. They deferred nearly everyone from my school and accepted only a Hispanic guy and a girl who only wants to go to Cambridge and doesn't give a shit about UChicago. I honestly expected to get in, and that was silly of me. That was so silly of me. People made lists of those applying to UChicago from my school in order of most likely to get in. I was always top one or two. Since they accept 5-7 people from my school each year regardless of how many apply, I thought it would be me. I really thought it would be me. But I'm not good enough. I got so cocky. I didn't even write the optional supplement. I am so stupid. This decision has really put me in my place because I've blown myself up in my own head, just like when YA was rejected from Stanford. It was the needle to his swelled head, and this is mine.
The University of Chicago was somewhere that my intellectuality was supposed to be appreciated. My oddities were supposed to fit. Everything wrong with me was supposed to be justified. Alas, I suppose it was just a marketing ploy. The new director of admissions sole motivation is to increase the applicant pool, so that they can have their pick of the lot while lowering the acceptance rate.
I drowned myself in chocolate. I tore up a UChicago brochure while wetting it with my tears. I took down the poster in front of my treadmill that used to motivate me. I unfollowed all of their Twitter accounts. Through all the bitterness, I was forced to face the fact that I probably would not attend the University of My Dreams. At the same time, I can finally concentrate on my remaining applications, which are due in about ten days (OMG.) I don't have to feel like I'm cheating on UChicago (they put me on the back burner first!), and I don't have any excuse to half-ass the essays. This one school isn't so important to me anymore. A good university is a good university, and some just have more enticing advertisements. Wherever I end up, I will make good friends and be an outstanding student. Some of my peers haven't even gotten any acceptance letters at all, and I have two from great schools under my belt. UChicago may have some of the smartest students according to College Prowler, but they are also the ugliest. Why would I want to be categorized with them? If they want to stay ugly, then so be it. I have another shot in the regular round, and we'll see how it goes. I'll end up somewhere good, and it doesn't have to be UChicago.
-T.
